TROGLO 'VIEW:

Xbox Live Arcade's Deadliest Warrior

There's a new game on Xbox Live Arcade, and it's ready to kick some serious ass.

I'm talking about "Deadliest Warrior"- based on the TV series of the same name.

For only 800 MS points, you get a 3rd person fighting game that features opponents from different historical eras, armed with melee and some ranged weapons, ready to hack each others limbs and heads off. It's a lot of gruesome, bloody fun.

THE FIGHTERS:

The Ninja- this sneaky, pajama-clad assassin from Japan brings a Ninjato sword and a chain thingey to the rumble, with some shuriken in reserve. While's he's about as armored as a Kleenex, he can hop and jump all over the screen. He's super-fast, too.

The Samurai- for real warfare, the Samurai comes equipped with a Katana, a Spear/blade thingey, a bow and arrow and some bad-ass armor. The Samurai can slice and dice fast, but isn't as nimble on his feet as the Ninja. And while he may have been able to take out a horde of soldiers, one-on-one doesn't seem his forte.

The Apache Warrior- I laughed when I first saw this guy included. His body paint offers less protection than the ninja's pajamas. But he has a stone knife, some hatchets, a bow and arrow, and dances around like a pansy just as good as the Ninja. Very annoying to lose to this guy when you're covered in armor plate.

The Spartan- with a shield big enough to go sledding on, a short sword, a thrusting spear and some javelins, and bronze armor, the Spartan is a bad dude. He strikes super quick, over and over, without getting tired.

The Centurion- Rome's Empire lasted a thousand years, so the Centurion is not to be trifled with. He's basically the iron-age version of the Spartan, with a smaller shield, a better sword, javelins and spear. He's not as fast as a Spartan, and can knock you down with his lighter shield.

The Viking- Santa Claus is coming to town, and he's got chainmail armor, a sword, a huge axe and a wooden shield. For naughty boys that run away, he's got two javelins. The Viking is big, strong but a little slow.

The Knight- Anybody got a can opener? Cause this knight is covered head to toe in metal plate. And he has a shield. He wields a crusader-looking sword, a poleaxe and has a crossbow he recocks using his feet.

The Pirate- This drunken boob has a cutlass, a dagger, a flintlock pistol and can kick you like the jackass he is.


GAMEPLAY:

One thing I always hated about fighting games was trying to remember all the complicated special moves. Up+down+side+up+throw-my-controller-at-the-TV.

Deadliest Warrior keeps it simple. Left stick moves you around. Y button is a high attack, X a mid-level, A a low-level. B triggers your ranged attack. Squeeze either trigger and you block- by lifting a shield or weapon. Left bumper switches your weapons- for example from sword-and-shield to battleaxe. On some guys, the right stick triggers a special move, like the Ninja's cheerleader cartwheel, or the Pirate's nutcracker kick (at least I think so- I personally don't play pajama boys or sots)

The match (a 1, 3 or 5 round bout) starts with each fighter facing each other on opposite sides of the screen. You can lob spears, 'stars or gunshots at your foe, or charge in. Unlike older fighting games, you can't just mash buttons to win (a tactic I used to employ against my wife on the Sega Genesis, irritating her to no end). For one, your fighter will tire if you mash buttons over and over. For another, he actually exposes himself to counterstrikes. For example, if I use a Spartan, I move in, shield up and let my opponent strike first. As he recovers from his strike, I unleash a barrage of sword attacks, most of which land on his mid-section. Similarly, when using a thrusting spear, aim for the mid-section, even against shield-bearing opponents, and you seem to do better. On the other hand, when my Santa Viking uses the battleaxe, I find a high-level attack works best, arcing the axehead down from above.

During a match, you might want to switch weapons. You start with a light weapon, say a shield and sword, that work fairly well together. If you switch to your heavy weapon, say, Santa's Axe, you can't use your shield, and your attack is slower. I highly recomend against trying to chop wood against a more nimble opponent like the Sleepover Ninja.

As you take hits, your health bar is depleted, until you are felled. The graphics are fairly graphic, too. You'll see fighters with spears sticking out of their chests, or with limbs lopped off, squirting blood from stumps like Monty Python's Holy Grail Black Knight. Heads come off too.

At the end of the round, the winner has a little animation where he rubs it in he just kicked your ass. Oh, and you can taunt enemies in combat by pressing the back button, trigger an animation. Santa the Red for example bangs his sword on his shield, throws back his head and says "Ho, ho, ho" (okay, maybe not, but he does yell). When you taunt, you're open for attack.


UNLOCKABLES

But wait! There's more! If you play single Player arcade mode, you can unlock better gear. Santa can replace his sword with a hatchet that is great for punching through armor. He upgrades his battleaxe to a halberdy-looking thing, and he trades his two, individually-thrown spears for two dual- thrown heavy spears. He can also upgrade his chainmail to this plated, feathery, pimp-looking armor I wouldn't be caught dead in.

Each fighter has unlocks, but sadly, it doesn't appear you can use other folks weapons. I'd personally love to have Santa the Red wielding the Knights Shield, a Katana and some Kamas, but no go.


MULTIPLAYER

The game has a bunch of modes. In single player you can fight practice rounds, where your opponent stands there and takes it like a side of beef, is controlled by the CPU and fights back, or is controlled by someone else in the room- like your five year old daughter, who then cries when you stick a spear through her fighter's head, and won't play with you anymore.

Next there's a battle mode where you can fight your braver, 10 year old daughter, who doesn't cry when you behead her fighter, but seems to enjoy the blood and carnage a bit too much for a girl. However, being a 10 yr old, she quickly loses interest in dulling your sword and you then have to fight the computer/CPU.

Finally, there's ARCADE mode. In this, your fighter faces off against each of the 7 other combatants, one by one, unlocking weapons along the way.

Plus, I should mention that the game has three difficulty settings- Normal (like there's anything normal about a Ninja and an Apache fighting), Hard, and "Deadliest Warrior" (how cheesy).

When you get done unlocking the more serious weapons of destruction, the kids won't play with you anymore and you tire of beating the Xbox's CPU up one side and down the other, it's time to face off against anonymous 8 yr old kids on Xbox Live- that hurl taunts and take it personally when you beat them, instead of enjoying the dismembering fun of the game.

At least with ranked matches you shouldn't encounter these Rugrat, unsupervised kids more than once.


ENVIRONMENTS

I guess I'll mention there are different arenas. Ordinarily I wouldn't give a shit, but the bamboo sanctuary is cool because as you're fileting your oppnent, you might accidentally slice down a bamboo tree. Very cool. The Castle courtyard has some flags that can be knocked down, but they just confuse me and think a spear was thrown at me. There's a Greek ampitheater as well, that looks suspiciously like one of the levels from the AVP game. And there's the fight lab, with red grid on the floor and pig, test carcasses hanging from the ceiling.


CHANGES I'D MAKE

First, there needs to be more fighters. But, as the game has a built-in downloadable content option, that's clearly coming.

Secondly, I want to mix and match weapons, not just fighters. I want my Santa Viking to have a flintlock pistol, a Spartan sword and the Centurions short sword. And I bet some pajama-wearing Ninja's would like a shield to hide behind or sleep in later.

The game really needs some tweaking. There is simply no way a Chainmail-wearing Viking should ever beat a Samuraii in a sword fight. But I did- I beheaded the Samurai, much to my surprise. Similarly, a ninja with a spear sticking through his heart, shouldn't be able to still cartwheel around like a ballerina. And no one will ever convince me that a stone Apache knife can sever an armor-plated Knights arm.

Finally, the game is based on a show where you sit back and watch people argue about the killing power of weapons, test said weapons, then actors do a dramatization of what a battle might look like. Often while I eat my dinner. So why the f*ck doesn't the game have a CPU vs CPU mode where I can pick the fighters, their gear, then enjoy the fight?



FINAL CONCLUSIONS

Overall, this game is lots of sick fun. I played it for three or four hours last night. My kids- while they wouldn't play against me- enjoyed watching the carnage. My five year old played (on "Normal") herself and as a pink ninja (yes, you can change your fighter's colors) was whiping the floor with the CPU-controlled Apache. Which was kind of surprising. My favorite moment in the game is when I hurl a Viking spear at random across the arena in the opening seconds of a game and spears right through the head of my opponent, ending the match. Ho, ho, ho, bitch.


Yeah, it isn't a simulator. Even AVP has more "realism". But for $10, what do you expect?

DOG WALKING- Good ownership or Cruelty?

I recently got into an argument over the issue of walking my dog. I have a "border-aussie", a Border collie-australian shepherd mix we bought from a shelter. I don't use the term "rescue" because I wasn't out to save any dog, I was saving money by getting an unwanted dog, instead of one with "papers".

 

Turns out, I got a great deal. My dog, now a year old, is incredibly smart. And very good with my kids. The idiots at the shelter thought she was blind (see "ghost eyes" and australian shepherds) and deaf. She may have hearing loss in one ear, but she responds to commands. She loves going outside and has killed one naughty rabbit so far. My only complaint about this dog in fact, is that she follows me around everywhere, chews/slobbers on me all the time and is otherwise a canine groupie. And I'm told I should be grateful for all that attention.

 

Anyways, I bought the dog because the wife and kids wanted a little pampered furball to play with. I wanted a dog to scare away all the varmints that keep coming onto my property from the former-farm and wooded area behind us (neighborhood in front of us, wild area behind us). We get coons and possums that root in the trash making a horrible mess on my carport. We get squirrels that chew holes in the plastic lids of the garbage cans. We get birds crapping everywhere. We get rabbits that killed my arbor day tree last year by gnawing the leaves off. We see deer and foxes prowling outside our backfence. And we get feral wild cats crapping in our flower beds.

 

Since the neighbor to my left had three dogs for ten years that barked nonstop, and the people across the street had multiple barking dogs, I didn't think there'd be any problem with getting a dog myself. But now, almost a year later, one of my neighbors doesn't like my dog barking.

 

The dog behavior websites offer up some strange ideas for quieting my dog. For one, they all insist she's bored. Funny how when I look outside, I see her barking at birds, squirrels or cats, and that she quits when they go away. Sounds "territorial" to me.

 

The dog sites further claim that I should "crate" my dog all day, so the neighbors don't have to hear her barking. Crating is where you lock your dog in a cage that's barely big enough for them to turn around in (it's small to make them feel safe). Kinda of like a doggy prison. Then you hire a dog walker to come over three times daily to let your dog out to stretch it's legs.

 

What?!

 

Can you imagine if people treated their children that way? I'm no animal rights nut- I firmly believe dogs are property and not sentient beings. But lock them in a little cage all day? That's crazy.

 

When I was a kid, dogs spent all day in the yard. They had dog houses and shade trees. They didn't have toys. They had sticks, and any occasional wildlife that wandered into range. Farm dogs had it even better, wandering around wherever they damn well pleased, and maybe coming home for dinner.

 

The dog websites also advocate dog walking. Again, I have to look to my childhood. Walking the dog was what you did when you lived in an apartment or didn't have a fenced-in backyard. You took your dog outside, maybe on a leash, so it could crap and stretch it's legs. If you had a yard, you let it do it's own thing when it wanted. When I proposed this theory on one site, pointing out that wolves and coyotes don't get taken for walks and seem to do just fine, I was told that they get to roam miles and miles.

 

Hey, my collie runs circles around the yard. She ain't sittin' in one spot all day long.

 

Again, I have to compare this to kids. Primarily because it always irritates me when animal nuts go on and on about rescuing dogs but never work to feed or clothe children. I don't walk my kids. Oh, sure, I take them to the store and make them walk. I take them to the zoo and walk them around or sometimes take them to a park. But I don't walk around the neighborhood like a busy-body, dragging my kids with me. They have a yard they can play in- with a swing even. Not to mention, they'd rather be inside watching Spongebob or playing video games. Or reading a book.

 

Is it cruel I don't take my kids for walks? Maybe if I did, they'd be too tired to misbehave. That's one theory behind dog-walking. A tired dog is a good dog.

 

How can people who think their dogs are more important than people treat them so poorly? Locking them in solitary confinement all day, then dragging them around on a leash in the evening? How is it not cruelty to wear a dog out so that it is incapable of playing? Not feeding them produces the same results, and it's considered cruel.

 

Moreover, I want someone to explain to me how "letting" my dog bark is rude to my neighbors. I have to listen to kids yelling and birds singing. How rude. I have to listen to loud music from my neighbors' guests. How rude. If only there was some ultrasonic device I could hang outside my house, disguised as a bird house or some other innocuous-looking object, that would emit painful auditory pulses when my neighbors or the birds were being rude. I mean, they make them like that for dogs, so why not people?

 

I guess to be a "good dog owner" I need to lock my dog in a hamster cage, all day long, then drag her by the throat around the neighborhood, keeping her muzzeled to prevent her noise-making, while bombarding her ears with an ultrasonic dog whistle. 

 

Yeah, that's humane.

It's that time of year again, when Dad's get a special holiday all their own. I used to complain that Father's Day was a joke compared to Mother's Day- hidden on the back pages of newspapers, instead of plastered all over every piece of media known to man. But we dads have progressed a little.

Don't get me wrong- Mother's Day is still made much more of a fuss than Father's Day. I know "your mother carried you for nine months!". Well, my wife carried each of our kids for nine months, conveniently packed around her middle. What with fluids and all, I'm sure that was easily an extra 35 pounds. My 5 year old is now close to 60 pounds. And I have to carry her gigantic frame up the stairs almost daily when she falls asleep watching TV in the basement. When she was 2 or 3, I also carried her, and her older sister before her, around all the time. My back has suffered far more from the weight of the kids than my wife's ever did.

And what about the future? How many people call their mom up to fix their car, or do some odd job around the house? Nope, it's the dads that are Mr. Handyman-for-Life.

This year in particular, Father's Day is taking a hit- I saw a sales flyer for "Dads and Grads Day". Moms are supposed to shell out money for Dads and their kids who just graduated. WTF?!

If I weren't a dad, this kind of thing wouldn't bother me. My own dad was a humongous asshole far more interested in himself than me. But I am a dad, and I bust my ass for my kids on a daily basis. I don't really want to sit through hours and hours of Spongebob and iCarly every day. I shouldn't know the names of all the characters on "Wizards of Waverly Place". Nor should I know that Barbie is made in China, and which of her shoes came with which outfit. But I sacrifice for my kids, precisely because I want to be a good dad. So I really think I've earned a special day.

And I'm not the only one. There are a lot of dads out there that could use a heartfelt thanks- and not some stupid tie, or moronic grilling apron. Ever get clothes for Christmas? Not a good feeling. You know you wanted toys. Don't do the same to your dad- get him something he likes, that he will enjoy, that shows you spent a little frickin' time on it. Gift cards are for chicks. Dads don't like to shop.

THOR'S DAY RANT: Land of the Free?

Freedom is what they say so many soldiers died for. Freedom, or Liberty, is what the Founding Fathers wanted so desperately to obtain from England. But is this really a free country?

 

I read a very disturbing article today that sounded like something right out of a communist nation: it's illegal to videorecord police officers on duty in 12 states.

 

When it becomes a crime to report a crime, you know things are screwed up. As critics of these police-protection laws say, if you could record non-police in a public area, why can't you record the police?

 

This is a dangerous trend, and a tremendos loss of freedom. Are we really a land of the free?

 

I suppose for all the illegal immigrants coming in, it is a land of the free. Free healthcare, free schooling for their kids. Tax-free wages. But what about the rest of us? What freedoms do we enjoy in the United States that aren't enjoyed elsewhere in the world?

 

People here like to declare "America: Love it or Leave it." But is it really that simple? What if your name got put on a no-fly list? Guess you won't be flying out. Can't afford a license for your boat? Guess you won't be sailing out. Can't afford an ID card, guess you can't walk out (you need an ID to enter Canada or Mexico). Could you swim out? Would it be possible to brave the coastal waters of the United States? The Coast Guard would probably stop you if you tried, because very few people can swim a frickin' ocean.

 

So you're stuck in the land of the free. What can you do here you can't anywhere else?

 

Can you own a home? If you get approved for a loan. Or maybe inherit a bunch of money. Or save your money for years and years and then pay cash. Those are some big "ifs".

 

Can you drive a car? Assuming you could afford one, that is. Well, you can drive a car- if you register it, get licensed, and follow the rules. Driving a car "is a privilege, not a right" they like to tell you in Driver's Education.

 

Rights? There's the bill of rights- part of our constitution. Like the Freedom of Speech, the Right to Assemble, or Right to Bear Arms. Oh, wait, that Arms-thing only applies to militias. Or you have to have a permit if you leave your private property in some states. Assembly? Well, I suppose you can always meet your pals at the mall- assuming no curfew has been established due to some emergency. But if you want to protest, you have to have a permit. Freedom of Speech? You can talk to yourself as much as you like, but try posting something on the internet, or shouting out in public, and there are laws that limit what you can and can't say.

 

Are you free to die? Maybe not. Congress and Nobama recently passed a Healthcare Act requiring you to have medical insurance (not free insurance- no, it's a mandate you buy insurance). That sounds to me like the government can force you to stay alive, hooked to machines, getting medicines pumped into you. Then again, maybe it's the Freedom to Live they don't like- their National Healthcare could easily result in involuntary cessation of treatments. Against your will.

 

So what is free? Well, we're sure free to suffer at the hands of our new, hopey-changey, socialist government. No, wait, we're not. That would imply we have a choice. The devilcrats don't make any bones about it- you will comply, you will obey.

 

Are we Free to vote? We sure are. It's the one freedom that we still do have- as do many oppressed peoples around the world. Will this freedom be exercised? Will we exorcise ourselves of the blight of socialism this November? Our will we continue to let our liberties erode away?

 

 

So, awhile back, we got a dog. An albino, Border-Aussie mix from the shelter. She's on the hyper side, loves to play, and is VERY territorial of her yard. Barks at the birds. Barks at the dogs across the street, barks at the dog behind us, barks at the dog next to us. But hey, she's a dog, and they do that.

Today, came home and saw my neighbor- the one non-dog owner now- scraping white stuff off his driveway. Seems that when his soft water filter got changed, the dummies changing it spilled the old filter contents down the driveway, and didn't bother to clean it up. It solidified.

Now, normally, I keep to myself and don't talk to the neighbors all that much. But this guy is pretty old, so I offered him the use of my pressure washer to get the stuff off. He declined, saying that the coming storm should do it. Oh, and could he ask me something.

So this guy comes over and wants to know if I noticed our dog barks. As soon as we put her out in the morning, she runs around and barks.

I pointed out she hates birds, and the damn stray cat that comes by- the same cat I have a suspicion the neighbor feeds, but I didn't point that out.

Neighbor proceeds to tell me that if we were interested in getting a collar to uiet the dog, he'd pay for it.

Excuse me?

Did he tell that to the people across the street, with three barking dogs? Did he tell that to my other neighbor, who's dog barks all the time, who used to have 3 other dogs that barked all the time, and who works for my elderly neighbor? For that matter, did he tell that to the guy on the other side of him, who's dog barks across elderly neighbor's yard, at my dog, as though they are having a conversation?

Moreover, was it really the best time to bring this up when I was trying to be neighborly by offering use of a power tool?

Hey, neighbor, I was considering a collar to quiet some of the barking. But on second thought, I pass. Are you going to collar the constant parade of your relatives, your car-door-slamming relatives that come by every weekend, disturbing my peace and quiet? Are you going to stop feeding that damn stray cat, so I won't have to keep digging cat shit out of my wife's flowers? Are you going to pay for the damage to my fence from the idiot lawn care people that regularly mow your yard and ram into my fence while doing so? The same idiots that apparently think it's cool to trim tree branches on your side of the fence, then throw the clippings over into my yard?

Oh, well, this story has a partial happy ending. I found out, after Mr. Helpful's offer, that my dog finally lived up to the reason I agreed with the wife and kids to get a dog. She killed a varmint. That's right, I found a little bunny carcass by her food bowl. Seeing as how rabbits killed a tree I planted last year by nibbling on it, I am super pleased with my purchase.

Bark all you want, doggy. You've earned it.

THOR'S DAY RANT: Stars and Stripes FOREVER!

Nothing burns my ass more than hearing stories like this one- where a couple in Wisconsin are beign told by some pinko-commie property owner they can't fly the American Flag in the window of their apartment.

 

WHAT?!

 

All these mexicrims that sneak across our border and dodge paying their fair share of taxes are congratulated and protected on flying the Mexican flag on Stinko De Mayo, but the official flag of the United States isn't appropriate to be flown in the United States?

 

That's complete and utter bullshit.

 

Charlie Price gave up 8 years of freedom to ensure that American CITIZENS get to have their freedom.

 

I'm a veteran myself, and I feel the Prices' pain. In fact, I'm putting my flag up on my door tonight in their honor. I'm also going to adorn every window I can with an American flag. I was just planning on sitting at home this Memorial Day weekend, grilling and relaxing and remembering my fallen comrades who don't get to grill and relax, but now I may just have to travel around town, waving the Red, White and Blue in the face of all you liberal communistas that have forced your Marxist hatred of freedom into every corner of this Nation.

 

 

 

 

THOR'S DAY RANT:

"Artificial Life", My Ass

So now we have some arrogant scientists who think they have artificially created life:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science_and_environment/10132762.stm

"The researchers constructed a bacterium's "genetic software" and transplanted it into a host cell. "

And where, pray tell, did the host cell come from? Did they mix it up from their junior science kits? No. They used a pre-existing cell, overwrote it's DNA with something else.

They didn't create shit. They changed something.


If I glue fur to a pig, and put a dog collar on it, have I created the first synthetic dog?


What if I hollow out a coconut and fill it with mashed potatoes? Is that an artificial potato?


Their "artificial life" is no more groundbreaking than a boob job.


Why does this make me angry? Because so many scientists these days spout out nonsense and expect us ignorant peasants to believe it unconditionally. They're worse than tele-evengelists. Science is supposed to be it's own truth- not a bending of the facts to suit someone's ulterior motives.


The Church of Science has gotten way too far out of hand. Hell, even the Mythbusters think of themselves as all-powerful "scientists". Okay, maybe not all of them, but try reading Adam Savage's Twitter feed sometime. Adam, you have a great show, and I truly, honestly, from the bottom of my heart thank you for helping the Star Wars movie franchise continue along, but, dude. You're not a scientist. If blowing sh*t up and talking about it makes you a scientist, then I'm f*cking Albert Einstein. See, me and firecrackers, we did some heinous, dangerous sh*t when I was a kid. Trust me on this. (I know- firecrackers don't compare to C4 obliterating concrete mixers, but you have a whole production company and experts helping you. I was a frickin' kid and engineered my own experiments with the sole help of me, myself and I.)


But I digress.


My point is, science shouldn't be treated like some secret club. Nor should scientists arrogantly think you have to have credentials to understand anything. Scientists shouldn't think they are better, and then lie to us ignorant rubes to make themselves more God-like. And that's just what these pricks have done in Maryland. Lied about what they've done. They didn't create, they changed. The whole thing is disingenuous.


Fellas, until you can mix up a living creature, completely from scratch, you haven't created artificial sh*t. Go back to trying to clone Mammoths, so I can have me some Fred Flintstone-sized steaks, you pompous asses.

TROGLO-VIEW: IRON MAN 2

If you haven't seen Iron Man 2 yet, I'm here to tell you- you're missing an awesome flick.

 

To be fair, let me begin with revealing I'm an Iron Man fanboy from way back. I still have my comics from 1980s. Tony Stark wasn't my favorite hero, but I enjoyed the comics enough that when I thinned out the herd, Ironman was one of a few titles I couldn't bear to part with.

I loved the first Iron Man movie- despite the fact I generally despise origin movies, as they take away valuable ass-kicking time and replace it with talking, drama and the like as the reluctant hero comes to grips with their new powers. Still, Jon Favreau totally gets what a comic book is. Watching Iron Man was no different from reading a comic. Not too much yakkity yak, enough action to keep you watching. It was a brilliant movie. Well, except for Tony Stark's "sleepover" with a certain leggy, blond reporter. That was a bit much for my kids to see.

 

Iron Man 2 is way better. First off, no visualizations of adultery. Sure, there were Iron girls in skimpy outfits at the Stark Expo. Yes, the Black Widow changes her clothes in the back of car, revealing black (what else) bra. But no missing pants, no groping. Hopefully, I've shielded (pun intended) my kids enough that Tony Stark's little jokes were over their head and they see him more as a drunken philanthropist than degenerate philanderer.

 

So, dad-approved, kid-safe.

 

But how is the movie?

 

It's not shakespeare in a tin can. You aren't going to get long, Quentin Tarantino-esque dialogues. This isn't a movie about interpersonal relationships. It's a movie about guys in armored exoskeletons kicking ass. And it delivers!

 

Oh, sure, they could have squeezed in a bit more action. Hard Boiled (1992) shows that a movie can have almost nothing but action. But Iron Man 2 delivers so much iron-clad, repulsor-blasting ass whuppery no one should be disapointed.

 

Iron Man has more than one suit of armor. His lab is straight out of the comic book- complete with older armors hanging in the background. Happy finally gets to do some fighting, instead of standing quietly in the background like an Alfred Hitchcock cameo. But best of all, War Machine shows us what the Iron Man technology could really do in the right hands.

 

Seriously, anybody who likes the first Iron Man better must not like action movies. Or is a perve. Iron Man 2 is so incredible. I can't wait for Iron Man 3 to be in the can!

 

'Nuff Said!

Dishonesty in Political Mailings?

so I checked my mail yesterday and there was this flyer for Ron Grooms, a Republican candidate running for State Senator. I kind of remembered the name, but that was about it. Who was this guy.

 

Well, according to "Mayor" Dale Orem, he's great. Oh, and "Mayor" Regina Overton thinks he's swell too. And "Sheriff" Randy Hubbard likes him as well. Oh, and so does "joe Theobald".

 

First off, where's Joe's title? Who the hell is Joe Theobald? A Google search shows he once ran for State Rep- guess that's why he didn't get to use a title. He never earned one.

 

And that's my gripe- Dale Orem was once a mayor, but not anymore. I know that, because I used to live in Jeffersonville, where he was the Mayor. But what about some of the other folks getting this flyer? Do they know he's a FORMER Mayor? And Ms. Overton- isn't she the FORMER Mayor? I therefore assume Mr. Hubbard is the FORMER Sheriff.

 

It really irritates me how people use titles like this. It'd be different if someone retired from a position- military folks do that all the time. But just because you served one or two terms in a public position, why do you get to use the title over and over? And if Ron Grooms wants us to believe he's a swell guy, why is he listing folks who didn't get re-elected? What is their standing that makes them such good references? Are we supposed to know about their political history? If so, why give them these titles?

 

I think the whole thing is dishonest. Like actors pretending to be doctors in TV commercials, hawking medicines. Mr. Grooms, it's all fine and dandy that former-Mayor Dale Orem loves you, but what does the current Mayor think? I'd be much more interested in that. I mean, there are tons of former mayors in our region- anybody running for office is bound to be able to get an endorsement from one of them. You're coming across to me as being a little too desperate to get a qualified reference.

 

And that doesn't inspire confidence.

 

So let's look at your website. Ah. You run a business and were on the Jeffersonville Town Council for 13 years. That's much more interesting to me than a bunch of former politicos endorsements. And I see that you're for: Full Day Kindergarten, building an East-end Bridge, Capping property taxes and increasing funds for schools. That would also be great information to put on your flyer.

 

But I have to take offense at your flier's slogan of "The Leader Our Leaders Trust" and "He's the one our leaders can turn to for advice and leadership." That's not what your website says- it's all about your experience.

 

See, I don't think a State Senator is a leader of anything. It's a representative. I'm not voting for you to think for me- I'd be voting for you to represent me in the State Senate. To work for me and do what I would want you to do. Leader? Leader of what? A Conga-line during voting sessions?

 

If you can't get the job function straight (representation) than I surely don't want to vote for you. I think you're in this for you. So for the rest of your life you can go around introducing yourself as "Senator". I title that arrogant.

 

THOR'S DAY RANT: Avoid Danger!

My in-laws have this annoying habit of endangering themselves on a fairly regular basis. I'm not just talking about how they refuse to lock the door to their home during the day- despite there having been cases of criminals barging into homes and attacking people in their town. No, I'm talking about how they dash outside when they hear loud noises. Or sit on the porch to watch for tornados during Warnings. Or how when they hear there's a big fire, they get in their truck to go for a drive and take a look.

I like to say that my in-laws are the same people that Godzilla steps on in his movies. You know the ones. While all of Tokyo is running for their lives, these fools stop, turn toward the camera, point a finger and yell "Gojira!" Then a building falls on them. Or they get stepped on.

"Curiosity killed the cat" does apply to people. And not just my in-laws.

Just yesterday, I was reading an article about a shooting in our town. The police were called to a park where a shirtless man was walking around, pointing a gun at people as they drove past. The police responded and ended up having to shoot the man when he pointed his gun at them.

What really struck me as ignorant in this article, was the neighbor who walked outside to see why the police were at his nearby park. He sees the gunman, goes inside and tells his wife to take the baby and go to the basement. Then neighbor goes back outside to watch some more.

Folks, bullets can travel a really long distance. When they hit glass, or even bodies, they can continue to travel. They don't fly a few feet and drop to the ground like a baseball.

More importantly, bullets go where they are pointed- which is not always where the gun wielder was aiming.

When I was in the Air Force, this fact was hammered into us. We were told to never, ever discharge our weapons in the direction of the very-expensive aircraft. Especially our M-16s, which have an effective range of almost 400 meters (over 1200 feet and that fire a round that can punch through concrete blocks.

If you see the police with their guns out, or some criminal waving a gun around, don't just stand there looking. Take cover.

Which brings up a very important issue the movies are always getting wrong. About cover.

"Cover" means something that will protect you. "Concealment" is something that hides you. A bush will not stop a bullet. It might hide you, but if a bullet is accidentally fired (possibly through poor aim or random accident), it will go right through that bush. Similarly, car doors, couches, windows, etc will not stop bullets. Even human bodies don't stop all bullets.

It is very important to seek cover, or get the hell away. Don't stand there waiting for Godzilla to step on you. Seek cover. Run away.

Don't Forget Free Comic Book Day!

Don't forget, you can get your kids reading- at least a comic book- this Saturday, May 1, 2010.

 

www.freecomicbookday.com

 

 

 

THOR'S DAY RANT: The Earth is NOT Your Mother

Well, here we are again: Earth Day. When a bunch of tree-hugging imbeciles suffering from cosmic napolean complexes showcase their delusions of global-impacting grandeur.

 

Hey, Hippies, if you want to skip baths, stroll around barefoot and smoke weed while looking for trees (or whales) to hump, that's fine. But stop trying to convince me it will amount to anything. Moreover, please stop declaring our planet "Mother Earth". Did the Earth uncomfortably carry you around for nine months, then go through intense pain to squeeze you out an opening that on first inspection seemed woefully small for the task?

 

Do you call your house, Mother House? Do you call you state, Mother State? Just because you live on this planet (and trust me, I am not thrilled about you being here) doesn't make the Earth your parent. I'd bet money if the Earth were a living thing (instead of being covered with them) it would be quite embarrassed by you. It wouldn't put your picture out for the other planets to see. It wouldn't brag about you at galactic bingo. It'd talk about your successful corporate brother- the one with the big Audi, expensive suits and key to the executive washroom.

 

Stop calling it "Mother Earth". It's an insult to your own mother. Who has her own holiday.

 

I refuse to celebrate "Earth Day". Instead, I'm going to celebrate "Jelly Bean Day". Makes more sense.

 

Don't get me wrong, I live here on the Earth, and like the crying indian of the '70s, I'm all against pollution. Because I don't like to see or smell it. But I fully realize that we humans are about as threatening to the earth as a grain of sand is to the moon.

 

Think about it- assuming you can put down the weed long enough for your brain cells to fire up again. The Earth is 12,000 miles in diameter. It is believed to weigh 5,973,600,000,000,000,000,000,000 kg. I say believed, because there isn't a scale big enough to really weigh the Earth.

 

In comparison, the average human is between 5 and 6 feet tall- basically 1/1000 of a mile. The average human weighs between 54 and 73 kg. Assuming the numbers are right, there are 6,816,300,000 people in the world. That's about 436,243,200,000 kg (average weight of 64 kg X population). Or 1/13,693,279,355,099 of the Earth's mass. That's right. All of mankind is about 13 trillionths the size of Earth. But we can affect the Earth. Riiiiiiiight.

 

Let's hold off on the argument about whether people can affect the Earth for a minute. Let's look at some other hippie causes in the past.

 

Communism. Karl Marx invented it- the preferred hippy form of government, where everyone is treated equally, no one is expected to excel, and no one gets to own anything. The Russians put it to practical use- forming the Soviet Union. I'm sorry, the FORMER Soviet Union. Hitler tried using the watered-down form of socialism, Nazism. Didn't work so swell for him, or Germany, either. B. Hussein Obama is trying Socialism in the U.S. right now. And his approval rating is plummeting daily.

 

Saving the rainforest. Funny how in the 1970s, they were predicting Brazil would be a desert by now. Funnier still that archaeologists have since discovered that the Amazon wasn't always a thick jungle. There was actually a civilization there with canals, roads and huge tracts of clear cut areas for farming.

 

Saving the Whales. Spend boo-coo bucks on an Earth-friendly ship and try to use it to block Japanese whalers. Result: the whalers rammed the boat, knocking a large portion of it off and sinking it. Whaling continues. And so do the whales, coincidentally.

 

 

See, the hippy track record just doesn't impress me. There are no successes. And since I know the Earth isn't my mother- more of where I keep my stuff- I'm not too concerned about going green. In fact, my answer to all this Earth Day nonsense is:

 

Revelations 21:1 "And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea."

 

That's right- the ultimate recycling. After Judgement Day, God is going to recycle the Earth, providing us a fresh, new clean, and hopefully, hippy-free world to live on.

 

So hippies, have some Jelly Beans and shut up allready.

Dear, Taco Bell,

I must compliment the Veteran's Parkway, Clarksville, IN, Taco Bell as the best frickin' fast food restaurant EVER.

I am 42 years old, and grew up eating fast food- it being just my dad and I. Now with kids, I find myself driving thru way too often. I have eaten a LOT of fast food in my life. I'm like an expert on it.

And I have to say, in all my 42 years, I have NEVER had the level of service I got at your Clarksville, IN store.

See, the lady there started to hand me our order, stopped, looked in the bag and yelled back to the kitchen- "Hold on! I'm missing something here!"

That's right- not only did she check our order, she CORRECTED it! And apologized.

Clearly, this gal doesn't belong in any drivethru. She needs to go to Taco Bell's fast food academy or something. Or maybe be an executive in your company.

I personally hate Taco Bell's food- my wife loves it. But service like that could get me to start eating more than the caramel apple empanadas.

Congratulations on your amazing luck at employing someone who actually takes pride in a good work ethic!

Viva Taco Bell!

HAMMERS: Not Good for De-Icing

It's a classic American fixit method: hitting stuff.

 

Remember when we had analog TVs and the picture would go out, or get all weird? You'd smack your TV until the picture came back.

 

Electric, handheld appliance (drill, blender, toaster) not working. Smack it. Maybe the electric contacts will work.

 

Batteries in your flashlight failing? Smack the bottom- watch the light flicker and get brighter.

 

Car won't start, and you're going to be late for work? Pummel the dash several times, cursing.

 

In our modern digital age, the whacking method doesn't work so well. Things are delicate. Look at Amazon's Kindle- falls can break them. Or take cellphones that a little rain can ruin. But despite all the advances in delicate machinery, there was one thing that remained robust, and worthy of a pounding: the refrigerator. Like the mini, dorm-sized one I had in my basement, stocked with cold drinks for my movie marathons and video gaming sessions.

 

It was a great little fridge. Despite the fact the kids never bothered to close the door all the way, it still kept working. Oh, and frosting up quite a bit. Like over an inch of ice. To the point the door wouldn't close all the way.

 

So there I was, tired, ready to go to bed, and now I had to fix the mini fridge. In the past I did my emergency de-icing with a pair of pliers- carefully breaking off pieces of ice that blocked the door. But this time, I saw my hammer. My claw hammer.

 

I mean, it was right there. Laying out from a project earlier in the day. Taunting me.

 

Thinking about it, I remembered that once I completely de-iced a freezer on a full-sized fridge with a hammer and screwdriver- carefully tapping away at the ice like a paleontologist excavating fossils. Hmmm... any screwdrivers nearby? Nope- just that  punch I had been using earlier. Well heck, a punch is like an icepick with a screwdriver handle. That'll work.

 

Oh, it worked all right.

 

It blasted through that ice no problem. Even tap-tap-tapping, it was slicing through the ice pretty easily. Too easily. Then it hit the aluminum conduit on the mini fridge's freezer. Pffssssss!

 

No more freon.

 

No more mini-fridge.

 

No more cool drinks during movies.

 

Dammit. There's an $80 to $100 mistake.

 

The moral of this story is two-fold...

 

1. Close the door to the fridge, to prevent icing.

 

2. Time, not hammers, is the best way to defrost your fridge. Time spent with the door open, exposing frost to room temperature.

 

 

Happy St. Patrick's Day to one and all!

If you aren't Irish, don't despair- you can still celebrate this Christian holiday!

And while I'm at it, I thought I'd mention the origin's of this holiday- beyond the obvious Irish heritage that is. I noticed this morning, that my local station mentioned that St. Patrick died, but omitted any of the religious significance of the holiday.

When I was a child, I thought St. Patrick was just some magical guy who hated snakes- my grandmother kept a painting of him hanging in her house (years later I found out because her maiden name was McCracken, and her grandfather had been born in Ireland). But St. Patrick really is someone to be remembered- not for driving out snakes, but for his service to his fellow man.

The story goes that as a youth, St. Patrick was kidnapped from Roman-occupied Britainn, and taken to Ireland. God appeared to him in a dream and told him to flee his captors and run for the coast. A boat would then pick him up and take him home. St. Patrick did as he had been told, and sure enough, the boat was there and he was reunited with his family.

Now, you'd think someone who'd experienced something like this would never want anything to do with the Irish again- except maybe using them for target practice. But St. Patrick one day did return to Ireland- where he preached the message of salvation through Christ. St. Patrick even is credited with using the shamrock to explain the trinity (three-are-one) to the Irish. Others would follow in St. Patrick's footsteps, preaching the Gospel to the heathens- but it is St. Patrick whom the Irish credit with their Christian salvation.

Sadly, instead of celebrating St. Patrick's devotion to Christ, and willingness to put aside wrongs done to him, we instead use the holiday as an excuse to drink green beer and pinch people not wearing the right color.

But you can change that. If St. Patrick was able to heed Christ's message of forgiveness and return to the land of his captors, surely on this day in March you can do some good as well. Like witnessing your devotion to Christ, or forgiving a transgression against you.

Student of the Month?

As a parent, it may sometimes cross your mind- why isn't my kid Student of the Month? At my daughter's school, they always prominently display the Student of the Month in the main lobby, and they put their name up on the marquee out front.

 

What has really puzzeled me, is that last year, my kid was the only child to make straight As, for the whole year,  in the whole 3rd grade. She even got a letter the first semester, congratulating her on being one of only 5 kids in the whole school corporation (4 schools) to make the A Honor roll. But she never made Student of the Month?

 

What exactly is the criteria for student of the month? What kind of children are these that make student of the month, but can't make straight As?

 

Ah, I see.... I'm reading a report now at work about some kids fighting at one of the schools in our local school corporation. 13 year olds fighting... one gets held down by her opponents sister. A sister who is STUDENT OF THE MONTH. Yep, a high school student holding down a middle schooler so High school's little sister can win the fight. And High School is Student of the Month.

 

What a great selection process they have.

What Dreams May Come...?

Now, I am not normally one to discuss my dreams. Primarily because dreams are some kind of psychological expression of our subconcious, and I don't particularly want anyone rooting around inside my head.

 

I will note however, that for the first time in months, I didn't Xbox last night, and my dream was super-weird.

 

When I first started playing Xbox, I played a lot of GRAW and GRAW2. So much that when I went to bed, I'd close my eyes and still see the HUD symbols from the game and dream about shooting people. Not healthy. I soon began a strict regimen of watching something totally unrelated to the game I had been playing, for at least one hour. Stayed up til 3 AM playing a marathon session of Nazi Zombies on Call of Duty World at War? Watch an episode of Smallville. An intense, 3 campaign run on Left for Dead 2? Watch an episode of Burn Notice.

 

So far this has worked well. See, I'm a firm believer that it's more the events of the day, and what food you might eat, priot to sleeping, that amp up the weird factor in your dreams. Watch a bunch of scary movies, and odds are, you'll have something scary to dream about. At least, I do.

 

Last night was rather odd, though. I watched TREMORS THE SERIES on DVD, then fell asleep during a particularly disgusting episode of Dirty Jobs. No Nazi Zombies, no Infected, no Facehuggers or Xenomorphs in AVP (my current ghaming obsession)...

 

And I dreamt about Sherilyn Fenn. I'm not going to get much into the details here (I like to try and stay at least PG-rated on this blog). Suffice it to say I was literally in heaven and hanging out (figuratively and literally) with Sherilyn Fenn. When I was much younger this would have made perfect sense. I watched a LOT of her movies, and countless other B Movies those many years ago. I thought she was the most beautiful woman ever. But I haven't seen or heard of Sherilyn Fenn in many years. In fact, in the dream it took me awhile to even remember her first name.

 

I admit I had a thing for Ms. Fenn many years ago. I'm sure lots of fellas did. I even watched many a crappy Full Moon movie solely because she was in them. And I'll take this opportunity to apologize for all those "thoughts" I had. Still, I have to wonder, why did I dream of her now? When I'm married, have two kids, and can't watch those booby-filled B Movies anymore? (Because those kids won't leave my side- argh! A man can only take so much Spongebob!)

 

This morning, I decided to see what Ms. Fenn was up to these days- you know, besides still being one of the most beautiful women ever. She has a blog, and coincidentally, one of her latest posts was about her dreams. Her super-weird dreams. And she smokes pot and drinks too much wine. And had some kind of feud with her mom or something (hey, I was skimming). Glad she can admit it, but man, it really shattered the image I had of her. Well, maybe not- the image I had of her was as she appeared in many of her movies. Not exactly G-rated. And she's married- great, I already feel guilty having a dream like that, what with being married. Now I get to double that.

 

Clearly, I need to get back to killing xenos and zombies on Xbox live.

 

Thanks, Ms. Fenn, and best wishes. It was nice seeing you again- even in my own subconscious. Hope things work out with your mom, and you can kick the pot and wine. And again- my apologies for all those x-rated dreams and daydreams.

How can I use them...?

Well, it's that time of the month again. When I lose text messages.

Hey Spammers- Have you heard of SPAM Filtering

What the hell is with all these idiots that keep sending in SPAM viagra, gambling or real estate posts.

 

For one, no one even reads this blog. It's a frickin' online resume, dipshits.

 

I mean, if you're going to post your crappy attempts to scam people, why not pick a blog with real, honest-to-goodness readers?

 

Secondly... none of your comments get posted. Duh. What dumbass doesn't filter comments? 

 

Guess I'm talking to myself here (see sentence #2 above), but DAYAM!

 

 

Troglodad's Movie Re-View: Raising Arizona (1987)

Today's Movies and TV programs might seem too much for some parents to share with impressionable children. But before you pop in a classic from years gone by, make sure it too isn't a bit rough around the edges...

 

Long before he tore up the highways of the southwest as flaming-headed Ghost Rider, Nicholas Cage was stealing babies. Well, one baby. Nathan Jr.

 

I'm talking of course about the classic Cohen Brother's flick, "Raising Arizona". If you're old enough to have kids, surely to God you have seen this movie. It's on cable all the time.

 

I hadn't watched the movie in about ten years, when I saw it this past weekend on my wayback machine- my Xbox 360 running Netflix.

 

Hey, I thought, that'd be a swell movie to watch with the kids (mine being girls ages 10 and 4). I wasn't really on the money though. I guess being in your forties means you start getting senile, cause I totally forgot some stuff that was in Raising Arizona.

 

Okay, from the beginning, the movie is funny, but not really in a way kids might enjoy- the irony of career criminal H.I. McDonough (Cage) marrying Officer "Ed" (Holly Hunter) was clearly lost on my kids. But the movie had 5 babies- the Arizona Quints.

 

The plot is simple enough, Ed and Hi, cant' have kids of their own, so they decide to steal a Quint after reading in the paper that the Arizona's (furniture magnate Nathan Arizona and his wife) have more kids than they can handle.

 

The hapless couple steal Nathan Jr. and a man, or rather, baby hunt begins.

 

Back home in their tiny trailer, Hi and Ed try to give their baby lots of love, but life gets in the way. First, some of Hi's former prison buddies break out and want to stay with the McDonoughs. Then Hi's boss from work- who has 8 or 9 kids himself- starts asking a lot of questions about how Hi was able to adopt little Junior.

 

Worst though, was the nightmares Hi has after the babynapping- where he sees a scummy bountyhunter (Tex Cobb) coming into town- blowing up a bunny rabbit with a handgrenade as he rides along. That didn't sit too well with my 4 year old. I was laughing my ass off at the over exxagerated, Stoogian violence, but my littlest girl was horrified about a little bunny disappearing in a ball of flame.

 

Later, it got worse when Hi's boss proposes Hi and he swap wives to spice up their marriages. Thankfully, I remembered this conversation about 20 seconds before it started and hit the mute button. I explained to the kids that they were having adult talk.

 

Okay, so it's a freaking hilarious movie. For adults. Sure, there's some slapstick- like the fight between Hi and his prison buddies in the cramped confines of a mobile home. But really, this humor isn't intended for a child. Nor is the dialogue.

 

Overall, your kids are better watching this than SAW, but you should stick to "Baby's Day Out" if you want to watch a hilarious, baby-centric film with your kids.

Troglodad's Movie Re-View: Caveman (1981)

Today's Movies and TV programs might seem too much for some parents to share with impressionable children. But before you pop in a classic from years gone by, make sure it too isn't a bit rough around the edges...

 

Cavemen. Kids find them funny, from Fred Flintstone to the Geico insurance guys. But if you're looking for a caveman movie to share with your kids, you might want to think twice about Caveman (1981).

 

Starring Ringo Starr, Shelley Long, Barbara Bach and Dennis Quaid, Caveman was on of those flicks I remember watching after (middle) school in the 1980s. Back when Showtime, HBO and the Movie Channel were so young. I didn't remember anything particularly bad about the movie- just that it was very Airplane-ish, and the people in it didn't speak English- instead opting for a parody grunting-language.

 

So color me surprised when I fired up Netflix this past weekend and decided to share the film with my two daughters, ages 4 and 10.

 

Yikes!

 

Out of the gate, Caveman seems okay. Poor Atouk (Starr) is the wimpy neanderthal who gets no respect because he's brainy not brawny. Maybe this movie was going to have a moral lesson? Sure enough, Atouk fawns over the hottest Wilma in the tribe- Lana (Bach), who herself only has eyes for the brawny leader of the tribe, Tonda (John Matuszak). Poor Atouc shares food he was smart enough to stash for a rainy day with Lana. She promptly brings it to her brutish man to win favor.

 

As the movie progresses, Atouc is used by the hunters to taste test a new fruit. They discover it makes one very sleepy. Drugged? Uh-oh. Aside from the obvious plot point this will become later, I didn't like having to explain drug use in the film to my girls. Nothing funny about that.

 

Worse, Atouc tricks Lana and Tonda into eating the fruit. Once they are knocked out (and the rest of the tribe slumbers in the communal cave) he tries to cuddle up to Lana right next to Tonda. Oh, crap... I  saw where this was headed. Sure enough, Atouc tries to position the drugged Lana for some lovin', prying and positioning her sleeping limbs into a unseemly position. She comedically rolls aside as he leaps onto her- promptly humping the cave floor for a few seconds before he realizes she has moved. Then he falls asleep. Har-dee-har-har.

 

Atouc is then rightfully kicked out of the tribe the next morning after he passes out next to Tonda and Lana and sleeps alongside them. From there, Atouc goes on his merry way, finding his lost friend Lar (Quaid) and meeting new folks along the way, like blonde Tala (Long). Atouc, being smarter, manages to discover (accidentally) fire and its use, and his makeshift tribe of outcasts quickly begins living better than Atouc's former tribe. In the end, Atouc is reunited with his tribe, manages to become the new leader and dumps (literally) Lana when she begins to show him favor. In the end, he walks off into the sunset (or cave) with Tala, to procreate happily ever after.

 

Okay, so the film does have some good lessons for kids- brains are important, and loyalty is rewarded. It has some harmless humor too. I suppose if it had been on DVD, I could have fast-forwarded, or chapter skipped past the cave-humping scene. But Netflix isn't so good at fast forwarding for me. Maybe it's my slow connection.

 

Having daughters, though, I worry about the portrayal of Tala as less appealing than Lana. Tala was blonde and wasn't bulging out of her clothes. Don't get me wrong, Barbara Bach was a hottie back then, but Shelley Long was no ugly duckling. Still, it makes it seem like girls have to be smart or pretty, and can't be both. Geeze, no wonder women like Sarah Palin have such a tough time these days- years of stereotyping by Hollyweird makes the populace look at them like freaks.

 

In any event, I'd recommend against this movie for your kids. It was intended for adults, and if your kids haven't had the birds-and-the-bees talk yet, why risk having it mid-movie?

 

Now if you'll pardon me, I have to go let Dino in...

Survey says... McDonald's employs idiots

So your restaurant was hawking four extra mcnuggests for $1. Good deal, and my 4yr old loves chicken nuggets. I have to pull over and wait for my 2 dbl cheeseburgers (plain). I get home... and no extra nuggets. What the hell? They had EXTRA time to bag my order and they still couldn't get it right? I called the store, told them I went through and didn't get my nuggets and told them to pay better attention. And hung up- I didn't want to hear any bullshit offers that I could come back. I was already home, and my kid wanted to eat. You can't make up for something like this- even if someone had jumped in their car and driven here, by the time they got to my house, we'd be done eating. A dollar may not seem much, but it's the principle of it that annoys me. How frickin' hard is it to put a single order of nuggets in a bag? My 4 yr old could do it.

Survey Says...

Hey, anyone can do an online survey. I know I'll never win one of those $5000 shopping sprees at Target (and I keep laughing every time an associate suggests I will), but when I can, I like to have some fun with surveys. I mean, the more bizarre my answers, maybe a real person will read them...

 

So, kroger's, this was what I told you...

 

Please provide any additional comments about the canned and packaged foods department in the text box below.

　

What do you people have against BBQ beanie weenies? I've been having to make my own (with KC Masterpiece sauce, if you were curious) for years now. Yet, like some schlub, everytime I go to the store, I look at the beanie weenies, hoping against hope that you might FINALLY have them. But NO. You want those magic fruits in a can to be all plain and blechy.

You have no taste.

　

　

Please provide any additional comments about the frozen foods department in the text box below.

 

My wife is not very happy, and neither am I. she keeps making me look for some damn "carmelized onions" pizza. Every week. Frankly, I'm getting sick of looking for it. And she never believes me when I say it's no longer in stock. Either restock the damn things or induce some amnesia on my wife, or send me a certified document telling her that you no longer stock them. Please. I beg you.

 

　

Please provide any additional comments about the dairy department in the text box below.

 

Where the hell was the velveeta?! You know, Modern Marvels recently did an episode on Cheese, and I was shocked to learn the deliciousness of velveeta is actually good for you- it has the highest nutritional value of ANY cheese. So now i don't feel bad buying it for me and my kids (mostly me). So there I was, trying to get my cheese fix... and I could find no dang Velveeta. What the hell?

　

Please provide any additional comments about the meat department in the text box below.

Where's all the fish? It's like the only seafood you have are swimming cockroach cousins. I want something that swims inthe sea, not crawls on the bottom of it.

 

　

Please provide any additional comments about the checkout area in the text box below.

 

Not enough room for all the sheeple you crowd into the one or two lanes open. It's like a frickin' Japanese subway. With carts.

HIPPIES, BABY BOOMERS... or JERKIATRICS?

I can't say I have always hated Hippies. But I have hated them for a very long time. I think it probably started in my pre-teen years, when I finally grasped the concept of just what a Hippy was.

 

Back then, I thought hippies were dirty, pot-smoking, crack-headed adulterers in need of a bath- that hated America, God and pretty much anything else they couldn't smoke or f*ck.

 

Years later, I am revising- nay, expanding- my opinion.

Hippies were Baby Boomers. Now, that doesn't mean that all Boomers were hippies. I know many so-called "Boomers" who were never hippies, nor did they ever want to be. In fact, I'll go so far as to say I have met some outstanding "Boomers" who worked hard, and live decent lives. But they seem to be a slim majority of the Jerkiatric generation.

What is a Jerkiatric? Well, that's someone in their fifties or older, who was too young to fight the Nazis, lived through the whole "free love" debacle of the 60s and either embraced the swinging, druggy culture, or secretly wanted to. And now they're senior citizens- and a blight on the ass of Uncle Sam.

You know the people I'm talking about- self-centered pricks that think the world revolves around them and that they're somehow entitled to whatever they want, merely because they're old. They're rude, and they look down on anyone who doesn't have gray hair. They think the rules don't apply to them. They smugly think that despite thousands of years of history before them, they know better. They're totally, hopelessly, self-centered.

When I was a kid, old people were respected, and commanded respect. Back then I didn't realize that any gray-haired person I saw had lived through the Depression, or the sacrifice imposed on Americans while the U.S. kicked Nazi Germany's ass. And I still respected them.

But the Greatest Generation begat a bunch of spoiled, whiney-ass, buttheads. The kind of jerks that draw my social security retirement money while they still "work". The assholes that won't retire, and don't do any real work while on the clock.

Take the receptionist where I work. Spends all day long on the phone, making personal calls, instead of answering the phone or greeting visitors. Actually sits with her back to the lobby. Then gets huffy because none of the rest of us will stop working to do her damned job. And every wednesday? She leaves work 15 minutes early to get her hair re-colorized. And her generation complained about Ted Turner colorizing the classics.

 

Then there's the bastard who stepped in front of me in line at the grocery so he could buy his powerball ticket. Completely oblivious to those around him. Just itching to cash in my social security dollars on a chance at millions. Like he'll be around long enough to do anything with that money if he wins.

And what about the Jerkiatrics driving shiney new sports cars (bought with my Social Security no less) that park in handicapped spaces, then saunter into stores without even a damn cane. People, if you can walk unassisted, handicapped parking spaces are not for you.

 

Even more irritating are the Jerkiatrics that ride around on the electric shopping carts stores provide. Wheeled fatties, or maybe folks too lazy to walk. If you really needed that electric assist, how the hell did you get to the store without it? Why aren't you on a hoverround?

And let's not forget all the lecherous, old man-whores buying Cialis, and Viagra... I guarantee you neither of my grandfathers would ever have admitted to having a limp wiener, or complained to their doctors they couldn't service their battleaxes. What is with these wussy Jerkiatrics? What chemicals have they imbibed in that wrecked their Johnsons and enlarged their prostates?

Best of all though, the Jerkiatrics are obsessed with money. Take my own father. All I used to hear in the 80s was how little money he made. He made a pitiful $26,000 a year. Oh, woe is me! According to http://www.measuringworth.com  26,000 1985-dollars was the equivalent of $52,000 in 2008! That's more than I make now! And I have a wife and two kids and a mortgage. My Jerkiatric father was a single parent, renting an apartment and driving a company car. WTF did he spend all that money on?! Hookers? Drugs? Another family?

No wonder our Country is so screwed up. The Jerkiatrics voted in the likes of Jimmy Carter when they were just starting out, then Slick Willie and his wife. I'm fairly certain they also boosted Obama into the Whitehouse as well, and are now cheering on their spiritual leaders Nazi Pelosi and Granny Reid in Congress. They are so quick to demand more freebies from the government- failing to realize that the medicare they take away from the surviving Greatest Generation members won't be there for them in 10 or 20 years.

 

I'd at least have the consolation of dancing on all the Jerkiatric graves in another 10 or 20 years... except to support the swinging, entitlement lifestyle of the Jerkiatrics, I'll have to work until I'm about to be buried. I won't get those double-dipping, luxury years of idle singles-lifestyle so many of them enjoy today. Especially since they elect their socialist buddies into Office and our country is on the fast track to becoming a third world nation.

 

Damn Hippies.

 

Where's My Iranian Punch?!

Now, I distinctly recall reading that Iran was coming out with a new punch today, that would shock the west it tasted so good. I imagine it's green, which would really come in handy at christmas time: I could put out Hawaian Punch and Iranian Punch.

 

But where the hell is the punch? And what flavor is it? Maybe Olive? Falafel? Date?

 

Personally, I think it's sheer marketing genius- Green punch ought to sell really well on the West Coast and the liberal states.

 

And I was even ready with some slogans for Iranian Punch:

 

"Tastes so Good, You'll Swear it was Made by a Prophet!"

 

"Holds your taste buds hostage- with pleasure!"

 

"Smoother than the thighs of 44 virgins! And without having to blow yourself up!"

 

"If this is the last drink you'll ever have- it'll be worth it!"

 

and finally

 

"Iranian Punch- a new drink for the Atomic Age!"

 

____________ Bowl?

It's Super Bowl sunday- what are you going to do?

 

Hard as it is for many to believe, I don't watch the Super Bowl. I don't really watch any sports. I don't mind watching my kids play, but I really don't enjoy watching sports for very long. It's like watching a video game- I'd rather play than spectate.

 

That being said, it's rather ironic this year that I upgraded my basement TV to a larger HD model (good sales this time of year) but won't be tuning in to the Super Bowl.

Now I know that Animal Planet is having a "Puppy Bowl". And I remember when Discovery used to do a Shark Bowl. But I'm having a Zombie Bowl.

 

I mean, it is SUPER Bowl weekend- I should do something special.

 

For me and the kids, it'll be a triple feature of "Army of Darkness", "Shaun of the Dead" and "Zombieland"- the latter kicking off when the footballers do.

 

Zombies not your thing? What about a Jedi Bowl? You could do the Original Trilogy- nothing like ending the day with Darth Vader slamming the Emperor down to win the game for the Rebels.

 

How about Jones Bowl? That would be the Original Trilogy of Indiana Jones movies. Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls kind of ends on a downer, with Indiana ready to head into the sunset and a retirement home.

 

Robo Bowl? The RoboCop movies might be a little old, but you have to admit they're good fun.

 

Bond Bowl? Plenty of flicks to choose from- maybe three different bonds?

 

JAWS Bowl- although the more you watch, the worse they get.

 

I like the idea of a Tremors Bowl- except there are four Graboid movies, and the short-lived TV Series come out on DVD in March.

 

If nothing else, I suppose you could do a Super Bowl; Superman, Superman 2, Superman Returns- you're better off skipping Superman 3 and 4.

 

But maybe you don't want to sit in front of the TV all day, eating snacks and growing roots.

 

There's Laundry bowl- but I suppose a lot of people do that every weekend anyway.

 

Puzzle Bowl? Snacks and jigsaw puzzles don't seem to go so well together.

 

Game Bowl- maybe play some Xbox 360, or even a board game with the kids.

 

Aw, well- whatever you choose to do with your day, enjoy it. It's a uniquely American tradition.

Troglo-Review: "Zombieland" on DVD

ZOMBIELAND is here!

 

But should you buy it, and can the kids watch it?

 

I purchased the Bestbuy special edition, which included a bonus disk, for $24.99. While I greatly enjoyed the bonus content, it didn't seem worth the extra $7. And, the movie disk has something wrong with it, as there are several parts in the movie where the sound cuts out for a second or more.

 

But what about the movie?

 

The first time I saw this movie at the theater, it was fantastic. I laughed my ass off. My pals also laughed- one so hard I think he ruptured my ear drum.

 

First and foremost, this movie is a comedy. True, it's set in a post-Zombie Apocalypse world, but the basic intent of the movie is the buddy story. The buddy's being super-nerd, ultra-paranoid Columbus, and ass-kicking, red neck, nascar fan Tallahassee. They are truly an odd couple.

 

Think Tremors, Lake Placid, Army of Darkness, Undead and Shaun of the Dead, and you get the basic idea: horror with comedy. In Zombieland's case, it's more humor than horror, but there's plenty of both.

 

Can you watch this with your kids?

 

Well... that's debatable. First off, it's very gorey. Dark humor, over-gorey, I think. I mean, surely it's intended to be funny just how gorey parts are. I laughed. But can your kids handle watching zombies chew pieces off victims? Can they handle watching a zombie pull a bone from a corpse, crack it open and suck the marrow out?

 

Then there's the adult-humor. The opening title sequence shows a zombie stripper, boobies swinging too and fro in super-slo mo as she chases a strip club patron- the title sequence tells the story of what happened when the Zombie outbreak occured. But filmed with superfast cameras and slowed down, like a dark episode of Time Warp or a segment from Myhtbusters. I surely have nothing against a nice set of jugs, but these are covered in fake blood. The enjoyment is kind of lost. And do your kids even know what a stripper is? There's absolutely nothing sexual about this scene.

 

However, there is plenty of sexual talk in the movie. Columbus is grilled by Tallahassee about the last time he had sex- and Tallahassee asks several different ways before finally asking the dense Columbus- "sex". Columbus then lies and mentions where he did the deed. Good possibility here that kids might not understand the dialogue. Then again, they might.

 

Next up, Tallahassee, very in-character, later uses the word "masturbate" a few times in the film. Again, do your kids know what that is? Will they ask? Can you lie past it or shush them to avoid an embarrassing, mid-movie discussion of the birds and the bees?

 

Finally, Tallahasse at one point asks Columbus if he wants to "fuck" one of the female leads- "Wichita". Now, my kids have seen countless action movies where people talk about "fucking" someone up, so I wasn't worried by this. Until Tallahassee followed his question up by declaring it would only be fair as the girls had been fucking them- in this case, clearly referring to how the girls had conned and stolen from Columbus and his zombie-slaying partner. Possibly you could lie to your kids and claim Tallahassee was thought Columbus wanted to hurt Wichita, but I think they'd see through that. Then you'd have to stare at them blankly and play dumb. "What do you mean?"

 

Is Zombieland kid-friendly. Probably not. More so than Shaun of the Dead, less so than Army of Darkness.

 

Should you buy Zombieland? Hell, yes. It's an awesome movie with laughs, action and almost no boring parts. Yes, after a dozen viewings, you may be tempted to fast forward through a few bits of dialogue, but then again, the dialogue's pretty damned good in this movie. Right up there with Big Trouble in Little China.

 

I give Zombieland four ADULT clubs up.