GSCE Revised Rankings:

The new scores, are now:

 

Commander Cain	26.5	5	5	5	4.5	2	5
Cpt. James T. Kirk	25.5	5	5	4.5	4	3	4
Han Solo	25	4	4.5	4	4.5	3	5
Cpt. Jean-Luc Picard	23	5	5	4	2.5	1.5	5
Cpt. Dylan Hunt	22	4	5	3	5	4.5	5
Cpt. James T. Kirk	22	4	4	4.5	4	2	3.5
Malcolm Reynolds	16	3	2	4	4	2	3
David Lister	11	0	2	0	3	2	4

After much arguing, the rankings thus far have changed, to reflect a more precise scoring system.

Skills as a Captain:

0 Pts- No skills whatsoever

1 Pts- Barely able to perform the duties of a Captain

2 Pts- Below avg abilities, possibly some training

3 Pts- Avg skills, indicating inherent leadership ability or training

4 Pts- Above average skills, from advanced training, inherent leadership, or both

5 Pts- Flawless performance- an inspiring leader of leaders

Subfactors/Duties:

Leadership: properly managing ship and crew, and inspiring crew

Discipline: Keeps crew and ship in the right direction

Stewardship: takes care of the property (ship & equipment) he is responsible for

---

---

Starship Combat Skills

0 Pts- No skills whatsoever, will die, get crew killed and lose ship in first encounter

1 Pt- Possesses only the slimmest chance of surviving space combat, possibly through luck

2 Pts- Below avg ability, more likely to lose combat

3 Pts- Avg ability, reflecting training or natural ability. Wins some, loses some.

4 Pts- Above Avg ability, reflecting luck, training or both. Likely to win most fights

5 Pts- Unbeatable in space combat, through advanced training, luck, cosmic awareness or some other factor.

---

---

Crew

0 Pts- Worse possible crew imaginable, hampering operations more than no crew would

1 Pt- Extremely poor crew, barely capable of functioning

2 Pts- Below average crew requiring constant supervision and prone to mistakes

3 Pts- Average Crew, capable of performing tasks assigned and expected of them

4 Pts- Above Average Crew, excelling in a variety of areas, and exceeding expectations

5 Pts- Perfect crew, capable of operating without the captain, or performing tasks not humanly possible.

---

---

Personal Combat Skills

0 Pts- Unable to fight. Couldn't beat way out of wet paper bag. Possible invalid

1 Pt- Barest ability to defend self.

2 Pts- Can defend self, may have minimal training, or experience

3 Pts- Average abilities, reflecting some training or natural ability

4 Pts- Above average ability and/or advanced training. Wins most fist fights

5 Pts- Master of combat, through advanced training, inherent ability, super human powers or abilities. Formal Martial Arts training or special forces training

---

---

Ladies Man

-1 to -5 Pts- Measure of gayness, ranging from mildly, to flaming to super gay

0 Pts- No interest in women, due to robotic nature, etc.

1 Pts- No interest in women, due to marriage

2 Pts- Interested in one woman, or flirts a lot with women

3 Pts- Actively pursues women

4 Pts- Actively pursues women, has multiple relationships and is pursued by women

5 Pts- Has multiple relationships, has women chasing him, is surrounded by beautiful women most fo the time

NOTE: In the event that a subject is distracted by women, or has his judgement seriously impaired, deduct one point.

NOTE: Superhot women Captain involved with may earn a bonus point

---

---

Coolness

0 Pts- Completely uncool. A nerd in space

1 Pt- Slightly cooler than average. Dignified.

2 Pts- Cool as a cucumber. Doesn't ruffled by an situation

3 Pts- Very Cool. Who you'd want to be.

4 Pts- Extremely Cool, Inspires others to be like him

5 Pts- Coolest cat around, everyone around him wants to be him, his name alone inspires others.

NOTE: Extreme nerds, slobs, etc can be awarded 1 point for going beyond the 0 Level, in the same manner that a Hawaiian shirt is so ugly it's cool.

---

GSCE Candidate: David Lister

It's 2010, the Year We Make Contact. That means Scifi needs to get over the Mayan 2012 doomsday "prophecy", post-apocalyptic craze, and embrace space travel. And what better way to celebrate Scifi's outer space roots than by deciding who is the Greatest Starship Captain Ever?

 

David Lister (Craig Bierko) Red Dwarf

 

Captain Skills: 0

Lister was a second class service technician trained only in the repair of food dispensing machines. Afte the crew of the Red Dwarf were all killed by radiation, he became the sole surviving crew member and by default, Captain. Unfortunately, Lister has absolutely no Captain skills whatsoever.

 

Starship Combat Skills: 0

Even if the Red Dwarf had some kind of weapons system, it is highly unlikely Lister could direct the ship to defeat even an unarmed opponent. In all likelihood, Lister would instead somehow manage to shoot the Red Dwarf with it's open weaponry.

 

Crew: 2

A hypochondriac android, a self-absorbed Cat person and a complete idiot Hologram make for a crew that often endangers the Red Dwarf's very existence.

 

Personal Combat Skills: 2

Despite being a complete slacker, Lister has had experience fighting during his youth. He is barely able to defend himself, and at least possesses the ability to fire a weapon.

 

Ladies Man: 3

Lister is very interested in the ladies, but alas, it does not seem to be the other way around.

 

Coolness: 4

A slob of a magnitude rarely seen, with little to no musical abilities, Lister somehow manages to come across as a likeable guy. Which surely indicated he is cooler than most.

 

Total score: 11 out of 30.

As expected, Lister completely flunks at being a Starship Captain, with a score of 37%. Did you expect otherwise?

GCSE Candidate: Dylan Hunt

It's 2010, the Year We Make Contact. That means Scifi needs to get over the Mayan 2012 doomsday "prophecy", post-apocalyptic craze, and embrace space travel. And what better way to celebrate Scifi's outer space roots than by deciding who is the Greatest Starship Captain Ever?

 

Dylan Hunt    (Kevin Sorbo) Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda

 

Captain Skills: 3

Like Kirk and Picard, Dylan Hunt is the premiere officer of his fleet. A noted Captain respected by his peers and beloved by his crew. Well, except for his best friend and first mate, Gaheris Rhade. Wow. That's a pretty poor judge of character, that endangered the ship and crew. Only through sheer luck did Hunt not get destroyed by the black hole the Andromeda Ascendant fell into.

 

Personal Combat Skills: 5

At 6'3" tall and possessing a strength five times that of regular men, Cpt. Hunt didn't need a lot of combat training to kick ass. But as a High Guard officer, he got it, and frequently unleashed some major whoopass, worthy of Kevin Sorbo's previous show, Hercules. If a Gorn had faced against Dylan Hunt, there wouldn't have been any home-made cannon. Hunt would have kicked some lizard ass with his bare hands.

 

Starship Combat Skills: 5

Again, the creme of his fleet, Dylan Hunt's skills in starship combat are repeatedly shown throughout his TV series. And unlike Captains Picard and Kirk, he never had to sacrifice his ship.

 

Ladies Man: 4

While he didn't exactly have a chick in every port, Captain Hunt probably could have. First there was his intelligent ship, Andromeda Ascendantthat was in love with him. Then there was Bekka Valentine, a space pirate that freed him from a black hole. Then there was Trance Gemini, the frickin' avatar of a star, with godlike powers. And the list goes on and on. Basically, the former Hercules could have had nearly any chick he wanted in the galaxy. And unlike Kirk, Hunt didn't suffer temporary dumbfoundedness when he saw a fetching female.

 

Crew: 3

Hunt's original crew abilities weren't really explored in the pilot episode- but we know that his first officer betrayed him. Not so good. His new, adopted crew from the Eureka Maru were a clever band of misfits, but hardly the creme of any organized fleet. Given the traitorous forst officer, and the misfits of the Eureka Maru 3 seems like a fair, middle-of-the-road score.

 

Coolness: 5

Remember that thing about the actor being the character? In Dylan Hunt's case, Kevin Sorbo was already hugely popular, after starring as Hercules for many years. Unlike William Shatner, Harrison Ford or Patrick Stewart who were minor actors when they starred in their shows. Now it's true that long hair is girlified, even if it what many a chick likes. But Cpt. Hunt is a genetically engineered, super-humanly strong, uber Captain, who can out fight, out think and out fly most, if not all of the humans in the 52nd century.

 

Total score: 25 out of 30.

83%. Hunt beats out Han Solo, but still comes in second fiddle to Jim Kirk and Commander Cain.

GSCE Candidate: Commander Caine

It's 2010, the Year We Make Contact. That means Scifi needs to get over the Mayan 2012 doomsday "prophecy", post-apocalyptic craze, and embrace space travel. And what better way to celebrate Scifi's outer space roots than by deciding who is the Greatest Starship Captain Ever?

 

Commander Cain  (Lloyd Bridges) Battlestar Galactica- the Original Series

 

Captain Skills: 5

Commander Cain is Patton. If you didn't realize this, you should be banned from Science Fiction. And Patton is the undeniable King of Armored warfare. We can extrapolate from that (to use a fancy Trekkian-like word) that Cain was clearly meant by Glenn Larson to be the ultimate Colonial Warrior. A leader of leaders. Not to mention that despite being yahrens behind enemy lines, with no supply, Cain kept the Pegasus and her crew fighting those Cylon bastards for yahrens. If you're still in doubt, the cult-like following of Cain's crew should crush any doubt in your mind whatsoever. Cain was the shit. We really should give him a 6 in this category, as you simply could never have more skill as a Captain than Cain. 

 

Personal Combat Skills: 4

Colonial Warriors are bad asses. They can fight, shoot and fly. Starbuck and Apollo showed what a Warrior at the top of his game could do. And since Cain was to be the ultimate Warrior, it's pretty clear you wouldn't want to back sass him. Especially since he wore his blaster at his side, at all times, all Han Solo-like. Cain was always on duty, always prepared to kick ass. Yeah, he was as old as Jean-Luc Picard, but he clearly would have blown Jean-Luc away before any meeting could have even been called. Now, I am tempted to take a point off, since he carried that sissy riding crop around. What the hell kind of weapon is that? Then I realized it was to protect the crew from his awesome wrath. Surely proving his bad assedness.

 

Starship Combat Skills: 5

The Cylons couldn't beat Cain. Even with their cowardly surprise attack, that decimated the Colonies and the other Battlestars. And while Adama ran away with his tail between his legs, playing nursemaid to a bunch of fat cat civilians, Cain stayed behind, slaughtering Cylons with gleeful abandon. In the end, Cain was so bad ass, he had to defeat himself by going Kamikaze on TWO base stations.

 

Ladies Man: 2.5

Oh, yes, Cain was a ladies man. Remember Starbuck's hooker, Casseiodopia? Well, Cain had already hooked up with her. And probably countless others. Yeah, he was old enough to be her grandpa, but she still dug him enough she dumped Starbuck. Starbuck! The Old Bull definitely had it. Too bad all the planets he went to had stinking Cylons. If they'd have had hot, alien chicks, he'd have no doubt put Jim Kirk to shame.

 

Crew: 5

Clearly the crew of the Pegasus were without compare. They fought and survived behind Cylon lines for Yahren! And then there was Cain's superhot daughter Sheba. RRwoar! What a woman!

 

Coolness: 4

BG Fans clearly have a most favorite character- Cain. And let's not forget that Lloyd Bridges was more popular in his day than Harrison Ford was in the 80s or 90s. But most of all, Cain is Patton. And the only American General cooler than Patton was MacArthur. But I'm deducting a point for his age and lame riding crop. Patton used his bare hand to smack his soldier.

 

Total score: 25.5 out of 30.

85%! A tie with Shatner's Kirk! Guess there will eventually have to be a sudden death to determine the ultimate winner...

GSCE Candidate: Jean-Luc Picard

It's 2010, the Year We Make Contact. That means Scifi needs to get over the Mayan 2012 doomsday "prophecy", post-apocalyptic craze, and embrace space travel. And what better way to celebrate Scifi's outer space roots than by deciding who is the Greatest Starship Captain Ever?

 

Jean-Luc Picard  (Patrick Stewart) Star Trek: The Next Generation

 

Captain Skills: 5

As with James T. Kirk a century before him, Jean-Luc is the cream of the crop- the best Starfleet has to offer- or else he never would have been given command of the Enterprise-D. Jean-Luc dispenses advice to his idolizing crew, can diplomatically solve any solutuion and is the epitome of charm and sophistication in space. Yes, he's your grandpa, with a starship.

 

Personal Combat Skills: 2

When TNG started, Picard was totally the chatty Cathy, Merv Griffin of Starfleet. Talk, Talk, talk. As the show wore on, he suddenly became a crack phaser shot, and could duke it out with Klingons. I attribute this to the great Patrick Stewart telling the writers to stop being a bunch of wankers and make Picard less of a fag. But despite his Klingon Batleh, he will always be Grandpa. I mean please, Wesley could have kicked his ass. Picard was a diplomat, not a pugilist. 

 

Starship Combat Skills: 5

While it may have only been the Ferengi that shit themselves when they went up against Picard, you have got to give props to grandpa. He has a firckin' manuever named after him! True, he needed a fifteen minute peptalk from the crew before any starship encounter, and true the Enterprise was more battleship than exploration vessel, but there's no doubt- showdown with Jean-Luc and he'll blow your ass away.

 

Ladies Man: 1

Okay, you're friends with the superhot Beverly Crusher, and you never make your move? What the hell? Did the writers actually want Picard to be a queer? What is the deal? Surely Kirk's legend was something every cadet read about when Picard was going through the Academy. Why wasn't he chasing tail in the finest Starfleet tradition?! I'm sorry, Patrick "Professor X" Stewart is an awesome actor, but dude, your Picard was kinda gay. If it weren't for Stewart, I think the show would never have made it.

 

Crew: 3

I have to be really harsh here. Picard got to hand frickin' pick his crew. Riker was okay, and superhot Deanna Troy was excellent with an extra X, and let's not forget the ginger-haired goodness of Beverly Crusher. But what the hell was the deal with the original Chief engineer? Or having a blind man in the engineering section at all? I know, Worf makes up for a lot of the silly shit, but then Picard throws it all away by putting that dumbass Wesley Crusher on the bridge. Hey, Picard! Didn't you read the history books- Doogie Howser was gay! Man, Picard is lucky Wesley didn't crash the Enterprise into a black hole or something.

 

Coolness: 4

Again, I'm going to point this out again: great actor equals great character. In the same manner that Han Solo is Indiana Jones, Jean-Luc is Professor X. How frickin' cool is that? I know, Jean-Luc's a geriatric gossiper better suited to talk radio or a classroom than the bridge of the Federation's flagship, but he's Patrick Stewart! Cool! (Not 5 point cool, but COOL)

 

Total score: 20 out of 30.

66%. Ouch, I really figured Picard would do better than this. It's that damn Wesley's fault, and those San Francisco writers...

 

GSCE Candidate: James T. Kirk (2009)

It's 2010, the Year We Make Contact. That means Scifi needs to get over the Mayan 2012 doomsday "prophecy", post-apocalyptic craze, and embrace space travel. And what better way to celebrate Scifi's outer space roots than by deciding who is the Greatest Starship Captain Ever?

 

James T. Kirk  (Chris Pine) Star Trek (2009)

 

Captain Skills: 3

In the original series universe, James T. Kirk grew up with a Starfleet dad, went to the academy, excelled at his courses and worked his way rapidly through the ranks. In the new alternate reality universe, Chris Pine's Kirk was a fatherless, juvenile delinquent, who spent years when he should have been in the Academy wracking up a criminal record. When he finally goes to the Academy, Kirk shows his intelligence and is a top student. But instead of learning through experience, he gains his captaincy of the Enterprise through bad-assery and saving the Earth. Without the experiences he should have had, Kirk simply hasn't learned the finer skills he will need.

 

Personal Combat Skills: 5

Put him in an alternate universe with no dad, and Jim Kirk just has even more to prove and is quicker to unleash his fists of fury. Like his Original Series counterpart, Kirk is a master of Whoopassery, but now also possesses a I-don't-give-a-shit, Punisher like mentality. He's dangerous, and maybe a little nuts. Childhood an do that to you.

 

Starship Combat Skills: 3.5

Again, without the years of experience he should have learned from previous postings to Starfleet vessels, the new Jim Kirk is still a little green. Then again, his deathwish bravado might help him in space as well as in a bar fight. Of course, this does not bode well for the Enterprise...

 

Ladies Man: 4

Some would say that Kirk's hedonistic, heathen ways are a weakness. That anytime he sees a shapely alien tail all his reason goes right out the window. That's why he has a Vulcan for a wingman. To make sure he doesn't do something overly stupid. We can only assume that the alternate universe Kirk will be as skirt chasing as his TOS self. At least, we hope he is.

 

Crew: 4

Okay, the only thing keeping Kirk from having a 5 here are those damned red shirts. How can anyone choose Scotty, Spock, McCoy and Uhura as his crew then turn around and pick the Marx brothers for security? Oops. Wait, the new Kirk didn't get to pick anything other than his first officer. Well, he's still stuck with a bunch of suicidal whack jobs in red. Maybe in a sequel he can change that...

 

Coolness: 4

William Shatner totally made Kirk the legend he is today. Chris Pine has done an excellent job amping that up. And since we haven't seen Pine go all TJ Hooper/Denny Crane, he hasn't lost points for goofiness. He just needs to be taller.

 

Total score: 23.5 out of 30.

79%! Yow! New Kirk is Han Solo's jock-carrier. Well, what'd ya expect- he's only had one movie to show his stuff. Maybe his score will go up in sequels...

GSCE Candidate: James T. Kirk (TOS)

It's 2010, the Year We Make Contact. That means Scifi needs to get over the Mayan 2012 doomsday "prophecy", post-apocalyptic craze, and embrace space travel. And what better way to celebrate Scifi's outer space roots than by deciding who is the Greatest Starship Captain Ever?

 

James T. Kirk  (William Shatner) Star Trek franchise

 

Captain Skills: 5

Okay, Jim Kirk was a brilliant Starfleet graduate. His father was a Starfleet officer before him. He rose through the ranks and became the youngest Starship captain ever. He was given command of the Enterprise (1701) so he must have been pretty hot shit. He's negotiated peace treaties, he's defended whole regions of space. He was so bad ass as a Captain, they promoted him to Admiral.

 

Personal Combat Skills: 4

Most men in the 24th century might have resorted to just vaporizing their enemies with a phaser set on disintegrate. Not Jim Kirk. He jumped right in, laying out knucklesandwiches like he was the f***ing ship's cook or something. He even tried duking it out with a Gorn! (Before he blew its ass away with a cannon improvised from dirt and rocks laying around!) About the only person on TV in the 1960s that could have beat Kirk's ass was the Green Hornet's sidekick, Kato (Bruce Lee).

 

Starship Combat Skills: 5

Can you name a starship captain who has had as many space combat victories as Kirk? During peace time? The Klingons about shit themselves everytime his name is mentioned. In fact, most enemy ship captains get all excited like they're about to bang some trophy buck when they find out he's fighting them. Face it, if there's ever a starship war, who's side do you want to be on? I thought so...

 

Ladies Man: 4

Some would say that Kirk's hedonistic, heathen ways are a weakness. That anytime he sees a shapely alien tail all his reason goes right out the window. That's why he has a Vulcan for a wingman. To make sure he doesn't do something overly stupid. Still, I'll grudgingly take one point off for Kirk's "weakness" for chicks. But you have to admit, anyone who can have that many gorgariffic hotties at his beck and call scores major points.

 

Crew: 4

Okay, the only thing keeping Kirk from having a 5 here are those damned red shirts. How can anyone choose Scotty, Spock, McCoy and Uhura as his crew then turn around and pick the Marx brothers for security? Did Kirk get a sick, twisted pleasure watching all the Red Shirts die? I know, with his mastery of Whoopassery, he didn't really need the Red Shirts for more than bird dogging, but still, he could have done better.

 

Coolness: 3.5

William Shatner totally made Kirk the legend he is today. And if he had stopped with the series, well, this would be a 5. But after TJ Hooker, Shatner's protrayal of any role became rather silly. Silly is okay for shows like Monty Python, but I don't want to see Kirk turn silly. It's like finding out your favorite uncle was a crackhead or something. Major point deduction for Kirk's older years, after he got emotional about his bastard son dying, and wept at Spock's passing. Wussy.

 

Total score: 25.5 out of 30.

85%! Yow! That's pretty frickin' awesome a score, knocking poor, monogamistic Han Solo right out of the lead. Ouch!

GSCE Candidate: Han Solo

It's 2010, the Year We Make Contact. That means Scifi needs to get over the Mayan 2012 doomsday "prophecy", post-apocalyptic craze, and embrace space travel. And what better way to celebrate Scifi's outer space roots than by deciding who is the Greatest Starship Captain Ever?

 

Han Solo (Harrison Ford) from "Star Wars", "The Empire Strikes Back" and "Return of the Jedi"

 

Captain Skills: 4

Han Solo is an able starship captain and superb pilot- making the Kessel Run in 1.3 parsecs... He can fix his ship, his one-wookie crew would jump in the fires of hell for him, and he's got actual military experience, being a drop out from the Imperial academy. Yes, the Empire considers him a smuggler, more than a legitimate Captain, but he's got all the skills needed: diplomacy (he was able to sweet talk Jabba the Hutt for an extension on his debt) and he is an experienced spacer.

 

Personal Combat Skills: 4

Aside from the ability to kick ass with his bare hands, Han Solo is a regular pistolero. I think the character shits and showers with his blaster by his side. The blaster with which he is a crack shot, and a qick draw. Fired a shot into Darth Vader's hand in "Empire". Yep, Vader is the most powerful Jedi/Sith ever but Solo managed to quick draw and fire a blast that Vader had to take in the hand, then use the force to deflect others. Vader should have plucked that gun from Solo's hand before it ever cleared the holster.

 

Starship Combat Skills: 3

I suspect Solo was even more skilled at starship combat, but we'll never know. Still, he showed amazing skills; using a gunship/frieghter to take out a Tie fighter in the frickin' trench of the Death Star; hiding in the trash of the Imperial Star Destroyer after attaching to it without anyone knowing; and best of all, evading the Imperial FLEET multiple times.

 

Ladies Man: 4

Like Captain Reynolds from Firefly, Solo seems to not be very interested in chicks. While that may make him more manly in a Viking way, fans want to see some jigglies. Then along comes Princess Leia and Solo gets all all obsessed. At least she's a princess who can kick ass and pass as a bounty hunter (Bousch). And once you found Leia in the slave girl outfit, would you really want to go to other planets, searching out hot new ladies? No.

 

Crew: 4

Okay, I know Solo has one crew member/partner, but it's Chewbacca. I mean, really. Would you rather have a dozen Starfleet Red Shirts, or one good wookie in your crew? Chewie can fly, shoot, repair things and rip the f***ing arms off people! When you have Chewbacca, you don't NEED any more crew. The only thing better than Chewbacca, would be two Chewbaccas- which would earn Solo a 5.

 

Coolness: 5

Let's remember that the actor is the character. Good casting makes or breaks a character. In Solo's case, he's played by frickin' Indiana Jones. It doesn't get any cooler than that. Harrison Ford has played two awesome, fanboy heroes in his career- what a lucky bastard. All that aside, Solo is clearly the coolest mofo this side of Shaft. You can bet your Holy Grail on it.

 

Total score: 24 out of 30.

80% puts Han Solo in clear first place. But can his non-gigalo ways help him keep the title?

GSCE Candidate: Malcolm Reynolds

It's 2010, the Year We Make Contact. That means Scifi needs to get over the Mayan 2012 doomsday "prophecy", post-apocalyptic craze, and embrace space travel. And what better way to celebrate Scifi's outer space roots than by deciding who is the Greatest Starship Captain Ever?

 

Malcolm Reynolds (Nathan Fillion) from TV's "Firefly series"?

 

Captain Skills: 3.5

He's an able captain, with a devout crew, so I give him a 3.5; Jane is always back sassing him, so he doesn't get a full 4. When push comes to shove, Malcolm is a thief who uses a spaceship to get away from his crimes. Being a "Captain" is a cover for his criminal activities.

 

Personal Combat Skills: 3

He's okay with a gun, but wasn't he always getting his ass kicked and disarmed? I think a 3 is applicable here- he's no Kwai Chang Caine nor could he shoot the apple off someone's head. I only give him the 3 because he's a combat-hardened veteran who survived a war.

 

Starship Combat Skills: 1

The man has NO formal starship combat training. He basically owns, and can somewhat fly, the Serenity. I give him a 1. Grudgingly.

 

Ladies Man: 1

Reynolds seems more interested in making money, boozing it up, gambling, and his ship. Until the space hooker comes along. Then he becomes all focused on her, pining after her damaged, used goods. Like Han Solo and Princess Leia. Except Solo's fixation is a virgin princess who can kick ass (and pose as a bounty hunter). I give Reynolds a 1 (Han gets a 2 due to his better choice).

 

Crew: 3.5

The pilot dude, and his hot wife (I watched each episode only once) are awesome crew. Then you've got dysfunctional hired-gun Jane (clearly the real star of the show), a preacher, some nerd doctor and the Femme Fatal, 12 year old ,Peter Pan-type. WTF? What kind of crew is that? Red Shirts could beat all their asses. Peter Pan may be some kind of genetically enhanced super-killer, but let's see her dodge a phaser set on disintegrate.

 

Coolness: 2

Maybe it's the actor, but I just don't find Reynolds cool. He's no Han Solo, despite the obvious ripoff/homage. (Wussy- Han Solo's ship has guns and torpedos). Still, he's got a devoted fan following, so I grudgingly give a 2.

 

Total score: 14 out of 30.

Yikes. That's an "F", at less than 50%. Great? I hardly think so...

It's 2010, the Year We Make Contact. That means Scifi needs to get over the Mayan 2012 doomsday "prophecy", post-apocalyptic craze, and embrace space travel. And what better way to celebrate Scifi's outer space roots than by deciding who is the greatest Starship Captain ever?

Now that we have a method for judging who's the best Captain EVER, we need some nominations, then we'll go back and start scoring them. If you would like to nominate a captain not listed below, please add a comment.

Jean-Luc Picard ("Star Trek: The Next Generation")

James T. Kirk ("Star Trek: The Original Series")

James T. Kirk ("Star Trek" 2009 alternate universe movie)

Han Solo ("Star Wars" Original Trilogy)

Malcolm Reynolds ("Firefly" & "Serenity")

Christopher Pike ("Star Trek" 2009 movie; ST: TOS Pike is eliminated because he ended up a pathetic cripple, presented for pity's sake, rather than as a strong character in the episodes)

David Bowman ("2001: A Space Odyssey")

Acting-Captain Dave Lister ("Red Dwarf")

Commander Adama ("Battlestar Galactica" the original series; NOTE- The "reimagined", demasculating series will not be considered, as it violates the tenents of true scifi, turning swashbuckling heroes into chicks, in true "Syfy" fashion)

Commander Caine ("Battlestar Galactica" the original series)

Captain Hikaru Sulu ("Star Trek VI")

Captain Benjamin Sisko ("Star Trek Deep Space 9")

Captain Jonathan Archer ("Enterprise")

John J. Adams ("Forbidden Planet")

The Greatest Starship Captain Ever?

Okay, so it's 2010, the Year We Make Contact. That means Scifi needs to get over the Mayan 2012 doomsday "prophecy", post-apocalyptic craze, and embrace space travel. And what better way to celebrate Scifi's outer space roots than by deciding who is the greatest Starship Captain ever?

 

Over the next few days, I'll evaluate cool captains by the following criteria to determine who is the best ever:

 

Live Action- there are plenty of cool starship captains in Comic Books ("Starslayer") and novels, but face it, Scifi (despite it's current feminist "syfy" spelling) is primarily for dudes, and dudes want to see their favorite captain chasing, jiggling, bouncing, alien babes. No matter how good it's art, print cannot reproduce the 3D movement of live action. In the same manner, cartoons just can't do justice the girlish form like live action.

 

Must be a dude- as mentioned previously, we dudes like to see girls' curves, preferably with as little covering them as possible. Unless the official captain's uniform is a bikini then, chicks belong beside the real captain, not the helm of a starship.

 

Coolness- Face it, there are many, many starship captains in film and TV, but how many were cool, main characters (or villains) and how many were supporting characters played by actors doing commercials now? If you got less than 5 minutes of screentime, unless you're someone of Samuel Jackson's standing, your character is not a great anything.

 

Must have a crew- Pilots need not apply for this award. Yeah Luke Skywalker can wield the force and a lightsaber while flaying rings around most ships out there, but a single droid added for comedic effect doesn't count as a crew. Similarly, while the Tardis the the greatest ship of all time, and the Doctor definitely has had some HOT chicks (Rose Tyler and Martha Jones for example), he has no crew. Just occasional passengers. Sorry, Doc, but you are not a captain. More like a time-hopping playboy joyriding in the ultimate hot rod.

 

Once a GSCE candidate has passed his initial screening, the only fair way to determine the greatest is to score (on a scale of  1 to 5) each captain.

 

Captain Skills: Anybody can be given a starship to control, but as the many Imperial Commanders under Palpatine proved in the Star Warsfranchise, that isn't enough. How well you conduct yourself, your crew and your ship is what matters. Maybe it's skills as a diplomat, a strategist or a boss, but a good Captain has to be part military tactician, part coach, part pilot and part big brother. A GREAT captain has a little of George S. Patton thrown in for good measure.

 

Personal Combat Skills: If you're the main character, you can't sit on board the ship throughout your film/tv series. Your ass has to get into the thick of it. Can you unleash your inner Bruce Lee? Or do you resort to talking and firing off stern notes of protest?

 

Starship Combat Skills: You might be the worst captain ever to set foot in space, but if you're a mastermind at space combat, your crew might forgive you, since you're keeping them alive and all. The ability to keep your crew, and that very expensive ship under your control, in one piece is a crucial skill.

 

Ladies Man: Scifi fans want to see chicks. So if the Captain is some monkish prude happier playing with star charts more than star tarts, he is going to score low. If however, he's got a hot babe in every port of a long running TV series... well, that tends to keep the fans happy.

 

Crew: A captain is only as good as his crew some would argue. A better way to look at is a great captain surrounds himself with a great crew. Being the most awesome, ass-kicking, starship piloting, gigalo in space is all fine and good, but if your crew is a bunch of namby-pamby, wet-behind-the-ears cadets fresh from the academy... well, you're going to spend most of your time fixing their mistakes, instead of being great yourself.

 

Coolness: Finally, you had to be cool to be considered GREAT, but exactly how cool are you? A by the book, military genius with pressed uniform and a stiff upper lip might score points in other categories, but could be the biggest nerd to ever leave orbit. Scifi fans don't want to imagine themselves as nerds in space, they want to picture themselves as a cool bad ass, with hot alien girlfriends.

 

Now that we've established a fair and impartial judging process, next we start analyzing the captains themselves.

Netflix Review: "The Man from Earth"

Okay, avoid this movie. I know it's free with your Netflix service, but it sucks ass.

 

This movie was so offensive, and boring, that I am tempted to cancel my Netflix membership because of it. I mean, we obnly get so many flicks to watch instantly at any given time, and THIS is one of the shitty choices offered?

 

Why am I so consumed over this?

 

The premise is that this college professor has decided to move on after 10 years. His friends wonder why and he confides in them that he is a kind of immortal- a caveman who has roamed the earth for 14,000 years. He's moving now because people have begun to notice he never ages. Now right there, I should have seen the warning bells. Cavemen are inherently Darwinistic, and anti-Christian.

 

As the film progresses- at one location (Caveboy's home)- much like a friggin play, with talkey, talkey, talk-talk, caveboy eventually reveals that he studied with the Bhudda. Then later he goes on to say that he was the bhudda. Then he later reluctantly reveals he was Jesus, faked his death (with Yogi-like powers of slowing the heart) but was accidentally discovered as he tried to sneak away.

 

I turned it off at that point. It was bad enough I had to sit through all that Picardian dribble (there's a Star Trek actor in the movie, so I thought that an appropriate slam on the never-ending dialogue), but sacrilege too?

 

If you want to watch an movie about Immortals secretly living among us, "Highlander" is way better. There's ass-kicking, sword fighting and no slams on Christianity (other of course than the whole immortals plot). Heck, I'll even confide that while the sountrack is by some Queer, it rocks.

 

Terrible, terrible film, based on what is clearly a terrible book, that is full of plot holes that I will not dignify with a prolonged discussion.

 

Just prepare to be offended if you see this stinker. I'd say the author could go to Hell, but since he apparently wrote this shitter on his deathbed, well, I'm sure he's already there.

2010: The Year We Make Contact- but not on Netflix...

So, there I was wanting to watch a movie on January 1, 2010. What better film to choose than the classic "2010"?

 

Now, I don't like the movie enough to own it. And since Blockbuster closed their store in my hometown, my alternative is Netflix. And I do loves stremaing movies onto my Xbox on Netlfix.

 

So I went to my Queue, and prepared to click on 2010- I'd already added it there a few weeks ago.

 

It's gone.

 

It was there December 31, 2009.

 

But now it's gone.

 

Now, I ask you, does it make ANY damned sense to remove the movie 2010 from the streaming movies, in 2010? Does this mean 2012 will be removed from streaming (assuming it ever makes it there) January 1, 2012? What other movie will be watched more in January than 2010? I mean, this is "the year we make contact" people!

 

Maybe Netflix is hoping I'll go to rent through the US Postal service, get tired of waiting and buy a copy from them.

 

Like hell.

 

I'm not paying Netflix for something I could have watched for free mere days ago. I'll go to the store and buy it.

 

Unbelieveable.

Christmas advice from a convict?

Now, I don't want to complain about any gift I received- because to me the thought is far more important than the quality of the gift. But I find this rather odd...

 

Co-worker gave out Christmas cards with a few pieces of chocolate. Very nice, conveys the spirit of the season, etc. etc. I appreciated it. Today, I finally got around to eating the candy- some pieces of Dove Milk Chocolate. Good stuff. Tasted great. But the wrappers have me perplexed:

 

"Embellish store-bought biscotti: dip it in chocolate"- Martha Stewart, one wrapper proclaimed.

 

"Send a thank you note within two weeks of receiving a gift"- Martha Stewart, another proclaimed.

 

Did my co-worker give out really old chocolate? Or does Dove think people care what Martha Stewart has to say?

 

I sure as f*** don't. She's a FELON. A Thief. She was in frickin' prison. Should she be giving out ANY advice, other than: "Don't break the law"? No.

 

I know, she still has a TV show and lots of housewives and grandmas still watch her. Despite the fact she is a convicted felon. Meanwhile, Tiger Woods is getting dropped from sponsorships because he committed adultery- something that ISN'T a crime in the United States.

 

WTF?!

 

I don't condone Mr. Woods' acts- they're reprehensible. And I applaud any company that drops his sorry ass. He is clearly NOT role model material. But why the hell is Martha Stewart, a CRIMINAL, still being fawned over?

 

 

I was quite crushed to learn today I missed out on a Crow T Robot figurine with the boxed set for the 20th Anniversary of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

 

I was a huge fan of MST back in the 90s. In fact, when I was stationed in Germany, the Satellite News (MST3K's fan newsletter) was some of the only mail I ever received. Yep, where my family didn't write me, the good folks at Best Brains sure did...

 

Now, years, later, I am rediscovering my beloved Satellite of Love episodes thanks to Netflix. I appreciate the show even more now- seeing episodes I was deprived of whilst in Germany. Even better, compared to a lot of the smut on TV these days, I can watch MST3K with my 4 year old and 10 year old daughter. And they love it.

 

But what I discovered today was that in addition to every episode of this long-running series being released on DVD, a while back they released a special commerative set that included a tiny Crow T Robot figurine. Man, my kids would love to see that added to the hotwheels, spaceships, etc. etc. adorning the walls of my movie room. But I missed it.

 

I know, I know - instead of being cheap and watching the episdes on Netflix, or even my old VHS copies from when the show was still being aired, I should be buying shiny new DVDs. Then I would know about Crow.

 

Darn kids, with their expensive clothes, shoes, school, etc. etc.

 

And now I see that there's a Tom Servo figurine out as well. He comes with Boxed Set XVI, which runs about $55.

 

WHAT?!

 

I loves me some MST3K, but 4 movies, four CRAPPY movies (that was the point of MST3K) for $55 seems like an awful lot to pay. I can watch the episodes on Netflix for free!

 

Why, oh why, can't they just sell the Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot figures as stand alones? I'd pay $60 for a Cambot, Tom, Gypsy and Crow!

 

Worse, as I talk abotu MST3K on Netflix, I realize that Netflix had to purchase the special Crow and Tom Servo boxed sets in roder to rent them. What then happened to all the little Crow and Tom Servo figures? Were they thrown in the trash? Ground up? Taken home by minimum wage workers who gave them to kids oblivious to MST3K's very existence?!

 

Oh, the humanity! Think of the fans that would have thrilled to own the bots!

 

And how do I buy the Tom Servo set now, but not the Crow? Tom Servo is incomplete without Crow! Imagine R2D2 without C3PO? Or Starsky without Hutch...

 

So I plead to you Best Brains- please! For the Love of all Misties everywhere- make us a 4 Bot giftpack! We'll pay money for it and everything!

The Office "Christmas Party" or Holiday Soup line?

My dear parent, Television, has clearly shown me over the years what an "Office Christmas Party" is. It's when a bunch of people who work in an office celebrate the holidays together- often consuming holiday fare, maybe some alcohol, possibly at the workplace, and possibly with a date in tow.

 

That's not quite how it happens at my office.

 

No at my office, it's a huge fustercluck orchestrated by the office biddies as they play "tea party". First, they demand with Gestapo-like tactics that everyone commit to bringing a specific dish by signing a sheet. It's like ACORN trying to put together a democrap event. Then when they don't like what you're bringing, they surround you and complain with such brilliant statements as "we don't have any real food- it's all sweets". Yeah, cause you're always seeing salads and shit like that at Christmas Parties. Why just last year we gave out grilled bratwursts to the christmas carolers that came to our house. Not.

 

It's Christmas, you dipshits! You're SUPPOSED to eat cookies, cakes, pies and fattening shit like that! Go to a f***ing restaurant if you want to eat "real food".

 

Next, the biddies abandon their normal work to "decorate"- hanging ornaments and crap all over the Office in what they must imagine is some sort of clever interior decorating gambit. I suppose they see unicorns and mermaids too. It's a frickin' OFFICE, people! No matter how much tinsel you throw around, it's still an OFFICE. For f***'s sake, our office doesn't even have carpet! Yeah, real homey feeling...

 

But it's just not the biddies having tea with Mrs. Nesbitt that iritate me. No, it's the assholes that volunteer to bring shit like "syrup". Syrup?! Are you f***ing kidding me? Who the f*** brings syrup to a "pitch-in"? Maybe if you also brought along some pancakes or waffles. Or if SOMEONE in the office was bringing them, and maybe it was imported f***ing syrup. Lazy prick. Next year I bet they bring "salt and pepper". Or maybe some f***ing mustard.

 

Me, I go out of my way, to the local Sam's Club, fighting through the shuffling zombie shoppers to buy a platter of the best damn brownies on planet earth. Sure, it's a huge pain in the ass to buy just brownies, so I end up spending a bunch of money for stuff for my kids. Dammit, I have some Christmas spirit.

 

Morning of the party, the biddies are getting the tea party all laid out- napkins here and there, empty chairs for the mermaids and unicorns. We are told we have to wait until 10 AM to start eating.

 

Apparently, that doesn't apply for Mrs. Nesbitt. Seems one of the bitches, er-, biddies, has her husband (and not Buzz Lightyear- it was a "Toy Story" reference) come in and start scarfing down food a half hour early. You know, buffets have a f***ing sneeze shield for a reason. I sure don't want to eat anything that was sitting right in front of some bastard slobbering and laughing and chewing with his mouth open, having a jolly old f***Ing time while my stomach starts to digest itself.

 

But wait, at five minutes until kick off time, all the moochers show up! No, wait, maybe they aren't moochers- they were f***ing invited by the boss after all. No, they weren't required to bring a dish, and no they aren't any of our staff's spouses or anything. Nope, just f***ers that happen to work in our building. And of course, they have flapped their slobbering jaws all morning long in anticipation of all that free food, so now the whole f***ing building knows there's food in our office.

 

Oh, joy, now the pitch-in is a soupline. Now I get to pick at leftovers that survived the guest stampede. Oh, and that not only have my co-workers coughed, laughed, sneezed and otherwise exhaled all over, but I get the germs of all the hundred-plus other people that might show up, but with whom I have little to no contact the rest of the year, despite the fact we all work in the same building. Pass.

 

No, instead, I'll sit at my computer, eating a f***ing bag of chips, trying to figure out why I can't print on letterhead from the printer (cause I had to get a new f***ing hard drive this week and now my PC is all messed up)

 

Merry Christmas, assholes.

 

Good thing I bought an extra platter of brownies for myself last night. At least I'll get some of the f***ers when I get home.

 

If the kids haven't eaten them all, yet...

 

THOR'S DAY RANT: EGGROLLS FOR CHRISTMAS

I have been doing my best to keep my Christmas spirit, but you people are really trying my damned patience.

 

All the fast-driving, parking space-stealing, zombie-walking, rude m*therf***ers are really driving me over the edge. Then my damned computer at work crashed- Hard Drive wore out. Was able to save a bunch of data, but lost emails, address book, macros, etc. etc.

 

Can someone explain to me why you idiots race through parking lots like Mario F***ing Andretti, then wander and block the aisles of the stores like crippled zombies on fly paper?

 

And what happened to holding doors open for people? Giving money to the Salvation Army Bell Ringers?

 

In all my postal/induced rage, I have seen, one, ONE f***ing instance of people with some damned Christmas spirit. The folks at Chick Fil-A.

 

Yep, the kids (none of them appear to be out of high school) working our local Chick Fil-A are always peppy, friendly and polite. Unlike McDonald's, or even Dairy Queen, where "thank you" and "come again" are rarities, the Fil-A crew is always in a good mood. Year round.

 

That got me thinking.

 

Again, I am going to ask- why the hell can't you people have some f***ing civility around the holidays? Chick Fil-A has it year round. And they aren't the only ones. I've never been in a Chinese restaurant where I wasn't treated like the King of Siam. Why is it the Chinese and the Chicken-slingers can get it right, three-hundred-and-sixty-five-days a damn year, and the rest of you can't do it for one damn month? Or even the twelve days of Christmas?!

Clearly, you're all a bunch of self-centered pricks. You're so worried about Christmas turning out the way you want, about you not having to park in the back forty at the store, etc. etc. that you vent your rage on those around you at precisely the time of year when you are supposed to behave with civility.

 

F***ing disgraceful.

 

Have any of you dumbasses ever seen any of the twelve-plus "Christmas Carol" movies? They weren't an example of f***ing Christmas hauntings. It's the story of a sorry asshole who learns what Christmas is all about. Watch it. You'll learn something.

 

What a bunch of assholes. Too bad the Mexican Flu didn't sweep through the country and give people something to be grateful for (surviving it) in its wake. Then we might actually have a wave of National Goodwill.

 

I guess if I want any Christmas spirit outside of my home, I have to Eat More Chikin.

 

 

Tis the Season Report: Donuts!

So I'm driving to work today, trucking along about 33mph when this woman pulls out in front of me, crossing the road I am on from my left to my right. Worse, after pulling out, she actually slows down, forcing me to slam on my brakes. She then proceeds slowly across the road as I'm laying into my horn.

 

Her destination?

 

The donut shop. She had to cross the road I was driving on (and on which I had the right-of-way) to go get some damn donuts.

 

Now there are three really good reasons she shouldn't have done this:

 

1. It was illegal. I had the right of way.

 

2. It's the Christmas season- you're supposed to be on your best manners, not your worst, this month. You should hold open doors for others, let others go first, etc. etc.

 

3. I was having a bad morning already, and if my wife and 4 year old weren't in the car with me, I think I would have rammed her. The thought actually crossed my mind.

 

Let me rewind...

 

Last night we had all these storm warnings that it was going to be horrifically windy, power could go out, etc. etc. So I stayed up late, washing clothes, charging all the portable electronics etc. I also washed my work boots, then found out that I couldn't dry them in the dryer. The shoe-drying tray for our dryer had vanished- stored away somewhere by the missus.

 

I awoke this morning, and find my boots didn't air-dry yet. Nice. Nothing like starting your day with damp boots. Anticipating some mildew on the boots, I started looking for the aerosol can of Lysol to spray them down. Can't find it. It's vanished. The missus then gets me the Febreeze instead. And starts spraying the outside of the boots.

 

After explaining the boots don't stink on the outside, I take the Febreeze and spray one boot inside, wondering if Febreeze can prevent mildew- I thought it was for masking odors AFTER they form. I go to do the next boot, and WHAM! The bottle falls off the spray handle, hitting the floor and sending up a jet of Febreeze. All up my pant leg, and from my belt to armpit. Nice. Now I get to smell all girly-fresh all day. And hopefully, Febreeze doesn't stain.

 

Then there's the normal three ring circus of getting a 4 year old ready for Grandma's; a 10 year old ready for school; the wife ready for work; and the dog- who got to stay inside today because of all the "wind damage" being predicted by local weathermen.

 

By the time we pull out of the driveway in our little family motor pool, we're already late. And I'm grinding my teeth and ready to go all Postal on someone.

 

Then Ms. Donut-head has to pull out right in front of me.

 

Would a jury have convicted me if I had accelerated and rammed into her car?

 

I sure hope she was having some frickin' donut emergency- although at her leisurely speed, I doubt it.

Savor the Season- Don't Inhale the Holiday

People annoy me. I know that's not a very Christian way to be- especially at this time of year- but  I just can't seem to shake it.

 

Take for instance, just a few moments ago. On the elevator. I'm in the basement at work, waiting for an elevator to haul my butt back upstairs. Oh, sure, I took the stairs down, but gravity was working with me. I wanted to laugh in the face of Global Warmers and make a big carbon footprint and ride the electric elevator back to my point of origin.

 

Ding! The doors opened, and there's like 6 damned people in the elevator. None of whom step out. These lazy bastards not only couldn't take the stairs, but they couldn't be bothered to wait for an elevator going up. No they had to all crowd into the elevator going down- leaving no room for me to ride it up. They couldn't wait a few minutes for the next elevator.

 

It's shit like that that drives me crazy.

 

You'd think that at this time of year- the Christmas season- people could behave better. I mean, we are supposed to be celebrating the fact we don't have to burn offerings, do nothing on the Sabbath or otherwise follow Jewish tradition to stay out of Hell. Jesus Christ was born to offer mankind an easy way to live forever.

 

But no.

 

Instead of being grateful and celebrating Jesus' bithday, everyone has to rush around, with no damn manners, caring only about themselves. They steal parking spaces. They crowd aisles in stores. They're jerks on the phone. You know, I realize that's how you people are year-round, but could you for one f*cking month behave civilized?

 

This is the season for "Goodwill to men". When we are supposed to be neighborly and nice and enjoy  ourselves. People can do it at drunken New Year's Eve parties, so why not for the Christmas season?

 

I could see it if you didn't believe in Christ or Christmas. You know, if you didn't put lights on your house, or buy presents or otherwise celebrate the day. But when you do celebrate Christmas- even in your own, twisted, heathen way- why do you want it to be over so quick?

 

Why must people suck the holiday down, rushing around, as though they were gulping down breakfast on their way to work when running late?

 

Enjoy the holiday, you dumbasses. Take your time. Savor this time of year. Don't race through parking lots on your way to a discount. Don't stress. Just chill, and relax. Pretend you're a hippy or something.

 

Every year, the day after Christmas, my wife starts harping about taking down decorations. I counter that the Three Wisemen didn't travel across the frickin' world, throw some presents at Baby Jesus' feet and say "See ya later". No they stuck around, they celebrated. They weren't in any hurry to leave.

 

That same lesson should hold true for the whole month. Kids seem to grasp this simple concept. They love the whole christmas season. Every day of it. And since we all started out as kids, there's no reason why we can't continue that tradition.

 

So chew your holiday slower- it'll last longer.