Reader interviews are where everyday readers share their likes and dislies and reading preferences...
Mike's Bio: "I am a 50-year-old house-husband/father who enjoys reading and occasionally dabbles ineffectually at writing. I have a BA and an MA in English literature and an MS in English Language Arts. I read fantasy fiction mostly, and when I get tired of that I go back to the English canon or read contemporary literature. I listen to audiobooks of non-fiction occasionally, and I also read books about writing. I live in Vermont currently. I have worked in business management (I also have an MBA, like most people do), web design program coordination, specialty beer retail (fun!), and music retail in a corporate capacity. I read every day, write occasionally, and love the New England Patriots. I am also a beer nerd/snob/enthusiast."
How often do you read? How fast do you read?
I read at least every night for an hour or so before bed. I also try to get some reading done during the day, and I frequently listen to audiobooks in the car.
I read fiction at about average speed, approximately 300 words per minute. I read non-fiction slightly faster if it is not technical. I took Evelyn Wood Reading Dynamics as a teenager, so I am capable of reading faster, but I like to subvocalize fiction to enjoy the narrative voice and the dialogue. It’s all about the enjoyment, entertainment, and wow factor for me.
Favorite authors?
My all-time favorite by a mile is Gene Wolfe. His Solar Cycle just blows my frigging mind. I have read it several times, twelve books from beginning to end. Specifically, the first subseries, The Book of the New Sun is my favorite book/series. Wolfe’s writing is nonpareil and his imagination is astounding. But it is his feel for complex human emotions and deep introspection that really pulled me in, that and his writing and use of language, which makes it so personal and yet so profoundly universal. Anyhow, I think he’s the greatest, as you can tell.
I have some other fantasy favorites these days, including Mark Lawrence, Joe Abercrombie, and Jeff Vandermeer (his Shriek: An Afterword is an incredible literary work). Some other books I loved recently whose authors I hope will become favorites are Vicious by V.E. Schwab, A Stranger in Olondria by Sofia Samatar, The Drowning Girl by Caitlin R. Kiernan (I also loved her The Red Tree), Low Town by Daniel Polansky, and How to Live Safely in a Science Fictional Universe by Charles Yu. Some other older faves include Jack Vance, Barry Hughart, Douglas Adams, David Gemmell, Jeffrey Ford (The Portrait of Mrs. Charbuque is absolute frigging genius as is Physiognomy and most of The Fantasy Writers Assistant), and Brian Francis Slattery.
I also have some favorite classic literature writers like Hemingway, Shakespeare, Chaucer, Saul Bellow, Cormac McCarthy, and some favorite books, including White Noise by Don DeLillo, Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison, Molloy by Samuel Beckett, Slaughterhouse-Five by Vonnegut, Midnight’s Children by Salman Rushdie, To the Lighthouse by Virginia Woolf, If On a Winter’s Night a Traveler by Italo Calvino, The Butcher Boy by Patrick McCabe, We, the Drowned by Carsten Jensen, and, well, I could go on and on. Like most people on goodreads, I really really like a good story well told.
What are your preferred genres to read for fun? What genres will you NOT read, or dislike reading?
I like fantasy the best. I am an escapist at heart. But I don’t usually pick the post-Tolkien-elves-and-dwarves stuff or the seventeen volume never-ending doorstoppers with two hundred point of view characters. And it has to be well written, which to me means purposeful language without purple prose. Secondarily, I like what is loosely called literature or literary fiction. And I also read some sci-fi. I will read anything that has literary quality like Cormac McCarthy westerns, James P. Blaylock steampunk, and Thomas Ligotti horror. I haven’t read much mystery or suspense thriller, mostly because I am afraid they will not provide the escapism that I am usually subconsciously looking for, but I am not against them.
What influences your choice of book to read for fun?
For fun I read novels almost exclusively, though I have read some short story collections. For a long time I read almost exclusively first-person because I like that intimacy. Then I moved on a little to intimate single voice third-person. (Did I mention I really like Henry James?) Now, reading Joe Abercrombie’s First Law trilogy, I see that good writing can bring intimacy and variety to multiple third-person POVs. So I hope to reopen myself to everything. I am also a fan of parallel narrations and metafiction.
I read a lot of reviews on amazon and goodreads, and I am especially interested in editorial reviews from publications I trust like Kirkus, Publisher’s Weekly, Washington Post (actually covers genre fiction occasionally), Library Journal, etc.
What's the best book you've ever read?
Like I said before, Gene Wolfe’s The Book of the New Sun. Some people have the Bible. I have The Book of the New Sun. It is that important to me.
“Perhaps I have contrived for someone The Book of Gold.” – Severian the Torturer, from Gene Wolfe’s The Book of the New Sun, Volume 4: The Citadel of the Autarch
What's the worst book you've ever read?
Hmm…ever is a long time. And I absolutely won’t finish a book if I don’t like it. I will put it aside even if I am two-thirds of the way through it. One that I recently gave up on was The Name of the Wind. (Go ahead, hate me!) It probably wasn’t the worst book ever, but I am strongly averse to that fantasy novel structure that throws the main character into the most intense conflict of his life in the first chapter and then proceeds to backtrack and use the next forty-two chapters to tell us everything that happened to the character since the day his mother died and he became an orphan and every frigging thing he has had for breakfast for the next twenty years. Get on with the story! Keep the backstory in the backstory! Abercrombie does this perfectly. Some of his characters are archetypal fantasy characters – the bastard king, the grizzled old warrior, etc – but their backstories are neatly folded into the actual main plot/story/conflict. Don’t give me one chapter of story and forty-two of backstory before finally getting back to the main plot three-fourths of the way through the book! Backstory is boring! And the backstory in The Name of the Wind is especially bad because it is in first-person, so it is like the main character is boasting through dozens of chapters: I outwitted this bad guy here when I was six; I beat up this bad guy here when I was nine; I was smarter than my teachers when I was eleven, etc, etc, etc! Okay, end of rant.
What elements make a good story?
High stakes conflict that cannot be avoided, complex characters, emotional intensity, vivid (and strange) setting, good pacing, purposeful language that suits the narrator and the story. I never make it through stories that seem like they have been extensively plotted beforehand. If I feel the characters are just pieces being moved on a plot diagram, I’m outta here.
What makes you roll your eyes or groan in a story?
Well, see my rant about fantasy structure and backstory for number one. Also, purple prose, sentences that I have to reread because they are so awkwardly written, too many points of view, stories in which everyone is beautiful, extremely intricate “magic systems” that seem to have been contrived to write a story around, zombies (most of the time), a child’s point of view, children in general except when they are like Crummock I-Phail’s kids in the First Law, invincible heroes, “Mother Teresa” heroes (like Vaelin Al Sorna in Blood Song, which I am trying to slog through – see also, fantasy structure and backstory -- having already paid my $7.95 to audible.com), and probably some other stuff.
Ever watch movies based on books, or read a book because it's already been made into a movie?
Not particularly, except for the Lord of the Rings movies of course, which I thought were pretty much excellent. I don’t see movies much, but if they made more movies from great books (Elric, First Law, Bridge of Birds), I would definitely see them. I hope they don’t make a movie of The Book of the New Sun. Some things are too sacred. (Sorry, Mr. Wolfe.) I saw The Hitchhiker’s Guide movie, which is based on one of my favorite books, and we all know how bad Disney fucked that up.
Where do you like to read the most?
Mostly I read in bed with my dog snoring next to me. I have particularly uncomfortable furniture in my house, not exactly sure why. Probably because I move a lot and don't like lugging stuff, so I never actually buy any furniture.
If you'd like to share your reading preferences, email Troglodad AT Gmail DOT COM for a set of questions or make your own based on what you see above.
Wednesday, February 04, 2015
Monday, February 02, 2015
Reader Interview: Manga fan AB McFarland
Reader Interviews are where we get to hear from everyday readers, sharing their likes and dislikes and general reading preferences...
A BMcFarland is a Goodreads reader and Manga/Anime fan who also happens to hold a Master's degree in Technical Communication! She also maintaibs her own blog, Coiled to Spring.
How often do you read? How fast do you read?
I read every day, probably 10-50 pages per day. The speed of my reading depends on the difficulty of the text. If I’m reading manga, I can usually read about 200 pages a day and that takes about an hour. If I’m reading philosophical texts, sutra commentaries, or quantum physics material, that’s much slower going.
Favorite authors?
For manga, I’d say Jun Mochizuki (Pandora Hearts) and Ryukishi07 (Higurashi When They Cry). For fiction: Hermann Hesse, Jorge Luis Borges, Günter Grass. I’ve also been enjoying the poetry of Mary Oliver lately.
What are your preferred genres to read for fun? What genres will you NOT read, or dislike reading?
I prefer manga for fun reading, especially those stories which feature gender-bending characters or lots of mindf*ckery. For general fiction, I tend to lean toward magical realism. There’s something compelling to me about taking our mundane, every day world and twisting it in some way that wouldn’t normally seem possible.
I also end up reading a lot of books to my nine year-old daughter, and some of them are wonderful. I especially like Maile Meloy’s books for young people: “The Apothecary” and “The Apprentices.” The pacing in these books is just perfect.
I avoid reading almost anything with raised metallic lettering on the front.
What influences your choice of book to read for fun?
I tend to weigh the time commitment with how much I feel I “need” to read the book(s) in question. As a result, I end up reading whatever feels “important” at that time in my life. So at the moment, I’m reading a lot of Buddhist texts because I recently took refuge as a Buddhist last year, so it feels important to learn as much as I can. I prefer print because it is easier on my eyes and like to see how much farther I have to go in the text.
What's the best book you've ever read?
The Tin Drum by Günter Grass. I enjoyed this because it was full of wacky ideas and characters, and written in various styles, but still managed to convey a deeper message of what it was like to live in Hitler’s Germany.
My favorite manga so far is Pandora Hearts.
What's the worst book you've ever read?
Moby Dick by Herman Melville. This almost isn’t fair of me to say, because I know it’s considered a classic, and I read it when I was twelve so the deeper meanings eluded me. It was a slow, boring slog, even with skipping the 100+ pages on the details of whaling.
What elements make a good story?
There needs to be a certain element of tension, or at least, you need to have a lot of “story questions” in your mind as you are reading it. That’s what makes you want to keep going, to find out what happens. It’s one of the reasons I think the Harry Potter series did so well. J.K. Rowling is a master of planting story questions. Another book that I thought was a really good, simple story is “Pie” by Sarah Weeks. It’s meant for middle readers but it was so compelling that after I tucked my daughter into bed after reading part of it to her, I stayed up that night to finish it, because I couldn’t wait to find out what happened.
What makes you roll your eyes or groan in a story?
I’m more of a cringer than a groaner or eye-roller, but poorly written sex scenes get me every time.
Ever watch movies based on books, or read a book because it's already been made into a movie?
I did that with Lord of the Rings: watched the movies first and then read the books. I thought the movies changed the books in a good way, in order to make them better movies, even though the changes were not true to the books.
There are several books I really hope get made into movies:
“The Familiars” by Adam Jay Epstein and Andrew Jacobson
“The Apothecary” by Maile Meloy
“A Confederacy of Dunces” by John Kennedy Toole
Where do you like to read the most?
In “The Chair”…a recliner chair in my living room, covered with a blanket and a warm feline. I also read a little in bed, and I read magazines in the bathtub.
If you'd like to share your reading preferences, email Troglodad AT Gmail DOT COM for a set of questions or make your own based on what you see above.
A BMcFarland is a Goodreads reader and Manga/Anime fan who also happens to hold a Master's degree in Technical Communication! She also maintaibs her own blog, Coiled to Spring.
How often do you read? How fast do you read?
I read every day, probably 10-50 pages per day. The speed of my reading depends on the difficulty of the text. If I’m reading manga, I can usually read about 200 pages a day and that takes about an hour. If I’m reading philosophical texts, sutra commentaries, or quantum physics material, that’s much slower going.
Favorite authors?
For manga, I’d say Jun Mochizuki (Pandora Hearts) and Ryukishi07 (Higurashi When They Cry). For fiction: Hermann Hesse, Jorge Luis Borges, Günter Grass. I’ve also been enjoying the poetry of Mary Oliver lately.
What are your preferred genres to read for fun? What genres will you NOT read, or dislike reading?
I prefer manga for fun reading, especially those stories which feature gender-bending characters or lots of mindf*ckery. For general fiction, I tend to lean toward magical realism. There’s something compelling to me about taking our mundane, every day world and twisting it in some way that wouldn’t normally seem possible.
I also end up reading a lot of books to my nine year-old daughter, and some of them are wonderful. I especially like Maile Meloy’s books for young people: “The Apothecary” and “The Apprentices.” The pacing in these books is just perfect.
I avoid reading almost anything with raised metallic lettering on the front.
What influences your choice of book to read for fun?
I tend to weigh the time commitment with how much I feel I “need” to read the book(s) in question. As a result, I end up reading whatever feels “important” at that time in my life. So at the moment, I’m reading a lot of Buddhist texts because I recently took refuge as a Buddhist last year, so it feels important to learn as much as I can. I prefer print because it is easier on my eyes and like to see how much farther I have to go in the text.
What's the best book you've ever read?
The Tin Drum by Günter Grass. I enjoyed this because it was full of wacky ideas and characters, and written in various styles, but still managed to convey a deeper message of what it was like to live in Hitler’s Germany.
My favorite manga so far is Pandora Hearts.
What's the worst book you've ever read?
Moby Dick by Herman Melville. This almost isn’t fair of me to say, because I know it’s considered a classic, and I read it when I was twelve so the deeper meanings eluded me. It was a slow, boring slog, even with skipping the 100+ pages on the details of whaling.
What elements make a good story?
There needs to be a certain element of tension, or at least, you need to have a lot of “story questions” in your mind as you are reading it. That’s what makes you want to keep going, to find out what happens. It’s one of the reasons I think the Harry Potter series did so well. J.K. Rowling is a master of planting story questions. Another book that I thought was a really good, simple story is “Pie” by Sarah Weeks. It’s meant for middle readers but it was so compelling that after I tucked my daughter into bed after reading part of it to her, I stayed up that night to finish it, because I couldn’t wait to find out what happened.
What makes you roll your eyes or groan in a story?
I’m more of a cringer than a groaner or eye-roller, but poorly written sex scenes get me every time.
Ever watch movies based on books, or read a book because it's already been made into a movie?
I did that with Lord of the Rings: watched the movies first and then read the books. I thought the movies changed the books in a good way, in order to make them better movies, even though the changes were not true to the books.
There are several books I really hope get made into movies:
“The Familiars” by Adam Jay Epstein and Andrew Jacobson
“The Apothecary” by Maile Meloy
“A Confederacy of Dunces” by John Kennedy Toole
Where do you like to read the most?
In “The Chair”…a recliner chair in my living room, covered with a blanket and a warm feline. I also read a little in bed, and I read magazines in the bathtub.
If you'd like to share your reading preferences, email Troglodad AT Gmail DOT COM for a set of questions or make your own based on what you see above.
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Reader Interview: Book Blogger/Reviewer Lanie
Reader Profiles is where I'll speak to people about their reading habits. Face it, most authors seem only interested in speaking about writing. That's leaving out a huge portion of the publishing industry...
Lanie is a twenty something year old gal that hails from one of the original thirteen states. She loves all types of animals, cept for those that slither. She's raised and worked with handicapped dogs for most of her life—her parents were all about bringing home pups they found that needed loved. She's obviously a reader, which is why she recently created a blog all bout books. She loves having a blog because she gets to use her witty sense of humor, glittery pictures and dragons (yes, dragons!) to create reviews.
How often do you read? How fast do you read?
I normally read at least every other day, I like to take a break in between books so I can rest my eyes. I hate getting that tired eye feeling, totally detracts from the next book. I can usually knock out a book within a few hours if I like it, but if I dont that sucker will be sitting around for awhile.
Favorite authors?
My absolute favorite all time author is Karen Chance. I also really like Lili St. Crown, Savannah Morgan, Pippa DaCosta, G.A. Aiken, and Jaye Wells.
What are your preferred genres to read for fun? What genres will you NOT read, or dislike reading?
I always love to read Paranormal romances. Yes, I need that crazy monster thrown in to make a romance worth reading, haha. I also enjoy reading Urban Fantasy, and fantasy in general. I hate reading biographies for the most part, but that probably stems from school :). I will not read the horror genre or those that are simply mysteries—I always know what's going to happen next.
What influences your choice of book to read for fun?
Hmm, the biggest influence when it comes to what I'm reading is probably reviews. If I see a book with way too many positive reviews I usually steer clear of it, but at the same time if you've got a ton of bad reviews, I must know why. Crazy right? I have vision issues so I always tend to go for ebooks now, it's so much easier for me to read on my kindle than a hard copy. Serials are a big thing now, but honestly, if I see one I run for the hills. I don't like being strung along with snip its, I need the entire story at once.
What's the best book you've ever read?
About A Dragon by G.A. Aiken, hands down. The crazy females and humor matched with dragons totally works for me.
What's the worst book you've ever read?
Outlander by Diana Gabaldon. I've had more fun watching paint dry than reading that book.
What elements make a good story?
I think this actually varies from story to story, if not genre to genre. In some books, I need a really good mystery with a strong plot to keep me hooked. In other books, I'm just looking for some humor and action. The most important thing though is to always have a solid main character that's likable or at least funny. If your MC is iffy, your story is gonna fail no matter how great it is.
What makes you roll your eyes or groan in a story?
I totally roll my eyes when the good girl falls for the bad guy an they end up living happily ever after. This is so over done and most of the time it's not done well. The other thing is when there's so much description in a story that you forget what your actually reading about that's a groan, huff and skip page moment.
Ever watch movies based on books, or read a book because it's already been made into a movie?
I've watched tons of movies based on book and books based on movies an it's always an interesting experience.
Where do you like to read the most?
I like reading in the car, it's a great way to tune people out.
If you'd like to share your reading preferences, email Troglodad AT Gmail DOT COM for a set of questions or make your based on what you see above.
Come back soon for another interesting reader interview.
Lanie is a twenty something year old gal that hails from one of the original thirteen states. She loves all types of animals, cept for those that slither. She's raised and worked with handicapped dogs for most of her life—her parents were all about bringing home pups they found that needed loved. She's obviously a reader, which is why she recently created a blog all bout books. She loves having a blog because she gets to use her witty sense of humor, glittery pictures and dragons (yes, dragons!) to create reviews.
How often do you read? How fast do you read?
I normally read at least every other day, I like to take a break in between books so I can rest my eyes. I hate getting that tired eye feeling, totally detracts from the next book. I can usually knock out a book within a few hours if I like it, but if I dont that sucker will be sitting around for awhile.
Favorite authors?
My absolute favorite all time author is Karen Chance. I also really like Lili St. Crown, Savannah Morgan, Pippa DaCosta, G.A. Aiken, and Jaye Wells.
What are your preferred genres to read for fun? What genres will you NOT read, or dislike reading?
I always love to read Paranormal romances. Yes, I need that crazy monster thrown in to make a romance worth reading, haha. I also enjoy reading Urban Fantasy, and fantasy in general. I hate reading biographies for the most part, but that probably stems from school :). I will not read the horror genre or those that are simply mysteries—I always know what's going to happen next.
What influences your choice of book to read for fun?
Hmm, the biggest influence when it comes to what I'm reading is probably reviews. If I see a book with way too many positive reviews I usually steer clear of it, but at the same time if you've got a ton of bad reviews, I must know why. Crazy right? I have vision issues so I always tend to go for ebooks now, it's so much easier for me to read on my kindle than a hard copy. Serials are a big thing now, but honestly, if I see one I run for the hills. I don't like being strung along with snip its, I need the entire story at once.
What's the best book you've ever read?
About A Dragon by G.A. Aiken, hands down. The crazy females and humor matched with dragons totally works for me.
What's the worst book you've ever read?
Outlander by Diana Gabaldon. I've had more fun watching paint dry than reading that book.
What elements make a good story?
I think this actually varies from story to story, if not genre to genre. In some books, I need a really good mystery with a strong plot to keep me hooked. In other books, I'm just looking for some humor and action. The most important thing though is to always have a solid main character that's likable or at least funny. If your MC is iffy, your story is gonna fail no matter how great it is.
What makes you roll your eyes or groan in a story?
I totally roll my eyes when the good girl falls for the bad guy an they end up living happily ever after. This is so over done and most of the time it's not done well. The other thing is when there's so much description in a story that you forget what your actually reading about that's a groan, huff and skip page moment.
Ever watch movies based on books, or read a book because it's already been made into a movie?
I've watched tons of movies based on book and books based on movies an it's always an interesting experience.
Where do you like to read the most?
I like reading in the car, it's a great way to tune people out.
If you'd like to share your reading preferences, email Troglodad AT Gmail DOT COM for a set of questions or make your based on what you see above.
Come back soon for another interesting reader interview.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Reader Interview: Proofreader Donna Courtois
Reader Profiles is where I'll speak to people about their reading habits. Face it, most authors seem only interested in speaking about writing. That's leaving out a huge portion of the publishing industry...
Donna Courtois is a long-time fan of The Destroyer series by Warren Murphy and Richard Sapir. In 2006, she had a story based in the series' universe published in a fan anthology entitled "New Blood". Donna went on to co-author a Destroyer adventure, Number Two, and today helps proofread works by authors.
When did you start proofreading? Why?
Formally? Not counting finding typos in published books? Gerald Welch had written what would become the first book in his Last Witness series and sent it off to Warren Murphy for a critique. Warren gave his honest opinion (it sucks). But Jerry took Warren's further advice that amateurs quit, but writers keep writing until they improve enough to be worthy of the title. We had been in touch through Destroyerclub, a website Jerry had started back about twelve years ago. He asked if I'd like to read it and tell him what I thought. I asked if he wanted me to proof and edit and Jerry said he'd appreciate anything I wanted to do.
So that's how we got started. I have edited/proofed the first four Last Witness books, plus the prelude.
Then Jim Mullaney decided to take advantage of Amazon's author program to start self publishing his own two series: Crag Banyon Mysteries and The Red Menace. He knew me from Destroyerclub, and I had been taking care of his author site and forum as well. He knew I liked proofreading, so he asked if I would look over his books before they went out. So far I've proofed six Banyons and five Red Menaces. Jim is currently writing his seventh Banyon, Shoot the Moon. I'm looking forward to reading it. That's one of the perks, early access to a good book.
What is proofreading?
Proofreading is checking through a manuscript for typos, misspelled words, missing or extra words, duplicate words/sentences. Also grammar and punctuation mistakes.
It differs from editing, which incorporates some proofing, but focuses on larger issues such as the structure and clarity of the work within each paragraph and also overall. And style issues, such as how it flows. Checking for redundant or unnecessary words; also synonyms that don't quite convey what the writer means.
While I consider what I do proofreading, some editing bleeds over into the job, depending on the writer. Jim Mullaney doesn't need editing, though he wants me to mention if anything isn't clear
What are your qualifications or training for proofreading?
Mostly self taught. I was an English major in college, which trained me to analyze works for depth, clarity and meaning.
What are your preferred genres to read for fun? What genres will you NOT read, or dislike reading?
I prefer mysteries, historical or humorous are favorites. Jim's Crag Banyon, Lindsay Davis' mysteries set in first century Rome. The Destroyer of course. I like to reread those. Non fiction -- history and biography mainly. Urban fantasy -- Jim Butcher's Dresden Files. Donald Westlake's Dortmunder books; P.G. Wodehouse; Sherlock Holmes; Preston & Child's Pendergast books; Odd Thomas.
There isn't any genre I won't at least try.
What influences your choice of book to read for fun?
If it intrigues or interests me when I read the back cover and first few pages (in bookstores) or use the "look inside the book" feature on Amazon. I know what I like and can sense a new friend very quickly and I'm seldom wrong.
How fast do you read? How fast do you proofread?
I read at just the right speed, which is slower than I could read if I had to rush. I believe in savoring a book, for words and story. Sometimes I stop to read passages out loud so I can enjoy the feel of the words in my mouth, the sounds of them in my ear. Even if the story is exciting, I'd rather draw out the suspense than rush it.
I try to proofread everything at least twice, preferably three times. The first time I read for fun, for enjoyment, though I also catch some typos, missed words, etc. Then I go back for a second, more intense and slower read. I try to focus on one sentence at a time so I don't start to get lost in the story. And I catch further problems. If there was something confusing me, I can tell if it was something I missed or if there is a piece of info that the author didn't include. Then a third read through, even though by then it's usually only one or two issues.
What's the best book you've ever read?
I couldn't choose amongst my favorites. My first favorite book was A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle.
What's the worst book you've ever read?
I can tell pretty quickly if I'm hooked. Any book I continue past the first chapter isn't going to be something I dislike or is boring.
What elements make a good story?
Interesting characters who step out of the page and take on a life of their own. Good plots that make me want to continue reading.
What makes you roll your eyes or groan in a story?
The opposite: flat characters, plots that go nowhere. Mystery stories where the whodunnit and the why dunnit is obvious fairly early.
If you'd like to share your reading preferences, email Troglodad AT Gmail DOT COM for a set of questions or make your based on what you see above.
Come back soon for an interview with Book Blogger/Reviewer Lanie of http://laniesbookthoughts.blogspot.com/
Donna Courtois is a long-time fan of The Destroyer series by Warren Murphy and Richard Sapir. In 2006, she had a story based in the series' universe published in a fan anthology entitled "New Blood". Donna went on to co-author a Destroyer adventure, Number Two, and today helps proofread works by authors.
When did you start proofreading? Why?
Formally? Not counting finding typos in published books? Gerald Welch had written what would become the first book in his Last Witness series and sent it off to Warren Murphy for a critique. Warren gave his honest opinion (it sucks). But Jerry took Warren's further advice that amateurs quit, but writers keep writing until they improve enough to be worthy of the title. We had been in touch through Destroyerclub, a website Jerry had started back about twelve years ago. He asked if I'd like to read it and tell him what I thought. I asked if he wanted me to proof and edit and Jerry said he'd appreciate anything I wanted to do.
So that's how we got started. I have edited/proofed the first four Last Witness books, plus the prelude.
Then Jim Mullaney decided to take advantage of Amazon's author program to start self publishing his own two series: Crag Banyon Mysteries and The Red Menace. He knew me from Destroyerclub, and I had been taking care of his author site and forum as well. He knew I liked proofreading, so he asked if I would look over his books before they went out. So far I've proofed six Banyons and five Red Menaces. Jim is currently writing his seventh Banyon, Shoot the Moon. I'm looking forward to reading it. That's one of the perks, early access to a good book.
What is proofreading?
Proofreading is checking through a manuscript for typos, misspelled words, missing or extra words, duplicate words/sentences. Also grammar and punctuation mistakes.
It differs from editing, which incorporates some proofing, but focuses on larger issues such as the structure and clarity of the work within each paragraph and also overall. And style issues, such as how it flows. Checking for redundant or unnecessary words; also synonyms that don't quite convey what the writer means.
While I consider what I do proofreading, some editing bleeds over into the job, depending on the writer. Jim Mullaney doesn't need editing, though he wants me to mention if anything isn't clear
What are your qualifications or training for proofreading?
Mostly self taught. I was an English major in college, which trained me to analyze works for depth, clarity and meaning.
What are your preferred genres to read for fun? What genres will you NOT read, or dislike reading?
I prefer mysteries, historical or humorous are favorites. Jim's Crag Banyon, Lindsay Davis' mysteries set in first century Rome. The Destroyer of course. I like to reread those. Non fiction -- history and biography mainly. Urban fantasy -- Jim Butcher's Dresden Files. Donald Westlake's Dortmunder books; P.G. Wodehouse; Sherlock Holmes; Preston & Child's Pendergast books; Odd Thomas.
There isn't any genre I won't at least try.
What influences your choice of book to read for fun?
If it intrigues or interests me when I read the back cover and first few pages (in bookstores) or use the "look inside the book" feature on Amazon. I know what I like and can sense a new friend very quickly and I'm seldom wrong.
How fast do you read? How fast do you proofread?
I read at just the right speed, which is slower than I could read if I had to rush. I believe in savoring a book, for words and story. Sometimes I stop to read passages out loud so I can enjoy the feel of the words in my mouth, the sounds of them in my ear. Even if the story is exciting, I'd rather draw out the suspense than rush it.
I try to proofread everything at least twice, preferably three times. The first time I read for fun, for enjoyment, though I also catch some typos, missed words, etc. Then I go back for a second, more intense and slower read. I try to focus on one sentence at a time so I don't start to get lost in the story. And I catch further problems. If there was something confusing me, I can tell if it was something I missed or if there is a piece of info that the author didn't include. Then a third read through, even though by then it's usually only one or two issues.
What's the best book you've ever read?
I couldn't choose amongst my favorites. My first favorite book was A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle.
What's the worst book you've ever read?
I can tell pretty quickly if I'm hooked. Any book I continue past the first chapter isn't going to be something I dislike or is boring.
What elements make a good story?
Interesting characters who step out of the page and take on a life of their own. Good plots that make me want to continue reading.
What makes you roll your eyes or groan in a story?
The opposite: flat characters, plots that go nowhere. Mystery stories where the whodunnit and the why dunnit is obvious fairly early.
If you'd like to share your reading preferences, email Troglodad AT Gmail DOT COM for a set of questions or make your based on what you see above.
Come back soon for an interview with Book Blogger/Reviewer Lanie of http://laniesbookthoughts.blogspot.com/
Monday, January 26, 2015
Reader Profile: Publisher & Editor Devin Murphy
Reader Profiles is where I'll speak to people about their reading habits. Face it, most authors seem only interested in speaking about writing. That's leaving out a huge portion of the publishing industry...
Devin Murphy is the son of New York Times bestselling authors Warren Murphy and Molly Cochran. Devin runs Destroyer Books, which primarily handles the legendary “Destroyer” series created by his father and the late Richard Sapir, which now contains over 150 novels. For more information about the company and their other titles, visit www.destroyerbooks.com.
How many books a year do you publish? Do you consider yourself a small publisher? Medium? Indie? What do you think that means?
We publish a relatively small number of new works — primarily the Legacy series, but we fully expect that number to go up over the next few years. It’s important to have a good foundation if you’re going to build a house, and the same is true here: we had to make sure that the business was capable of ‘handling’ new works before we started producing them. I’ve seen a lot of small publishers fold because they overextended themselves too early. I want to keep that from happening to us.
So what defines a “small publisher”?
Other than an obvious definition (“a publisher that publishes a small number of new books per year”), I think one key defining quality might be the number of employees dedicated to specific tasks. In other words, if you have an editor, an accountant, a social media liason, a graphic designer, etc., then you’re probably mid-sized or bigger. In a “small” business, there’s often one “chief everything officer,” so to speak, who handles the day-to-day work in a variety of different fields. That’s me. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, though, because it forces you to be very focused on every element of a book, from the content (editorial work) to publicity (marketing/social media). That, in turn, makes you really invested in the success of all of your titles, which is something that “big” publishers are known to neglect. I’ve read all the books we’ve published at least twenty times, and also know how much they earn, how effective (or ineffective) our ad campaigns are, and what our plans are for the next book (or series of books). A lot of people in the publishing industry can’t say that, because they’re small cogs in a big machine, rather than being the machine itself.
What are the differences between your company and a Big Five publisher?
This is such a big question that it’s hard to answer, but I think there are two main differences. First, we actually care immensely about each and every book we release. I’m not saying that the big publishers don’t care about their work, because they certainly do. But there’s a big difference between an assembly-line production model, which you can see in the big 5, and each book being carefully nurtured from beginning to end.
Also, because we’re smaller and don’t have the overhead of big publishing companies (offices in Manhattan, warehouse space for books, etc.), we’re able to be a lot more competitive (some would say “nicer”) than the big 5 in terms of what we offer authors. The traditional model of paying authors — large advance that never earns out, small royalties (if any are ever made) — just doesn’t make sense any more, for a lot of reasons. I think a new business model is better for authors and less risky for publishers — a smaller advance, with a much higher royalty rate.
Do you have any special education, training, etc. to be a publisher?
I read and learn constantly. Just because setting up a publishing account at Amazon is free doesn’t mean that it’s easy. I think it is colossally arrogant to assume that anyone can be a publisher, and it’s the mistake that many self-published authors make. Think of it like running: just because you can physically run does not mean that you’re going to be an Olympic marathon runner without a lot of training, knowledge, and dedication.
What do you do as a publisher?
“What don’t I do?” is perhaps a better question — because I do everything, from writing contracts to editing manuscripts to helping with graphic design. An author writes a draft (don’t call it a “book” yet because it’s not). I edit and offer suggestions and changes and the author sends me another draft. That’s the author’s job. Anything and everything involved with getting that book from Microsoft Word to being on someone’s bookshelf is up to me.
What are your preferred genres to read for fun? What genres will you NOT read? Which genres do you dislike reading?
When I’m not reading informational books, I like to read classics, mostly because if something is considered “great literature,” I want to know why. Usually “classics” are classic for a reason, and it’s a mistake to ignore them.
What influences your choice of book to read for fun?
Accessibility and price, honestly, are some of the main reasons I read what I do, even if that seems like a cop-out of an answer. Like most readers, I see a lot of books I’d like to read, but I have to balk when I see a retail price of $30+ for a hardcover or $15 for an ebook. That being said, I’m willing to pay any price if it’s an author I really like. When Gillian Flynn writes a new book, I’ll be buying that the day it comes out, regardless of price. Same with Lawrence Block. I can’t imagine I’m alone in feeling this way, though, so I use a combination of my personal tastes and market research to help decide pricing for new books.
I know a lot of people love audiobooks, but I have no patience for them — I read too quickly. Why spend 12 hours listening to something when I could read it in 2 hours? Plus, I don’t like listening to things (music, TV, audiobook) when I’m working. I think I’d like audiobooks if I had to spend a lot of time driving, but I don’t.
How fast do you read?
When I’m editing a manuscript, I read very, very slowly. When I’m reading for fun, I read extremely quickly. A lot depends on how dense a book is, but for a fun read, I can usually read at least a page or two pages per minute.
What's the best book you've ever read?
“Best” in what sense? As a high watermark of literature with a capital “L”? Ulysses (James Joyce), without question. Best book I’ve read in the past year? Gone Girl was gripping, and I don’t know a single writer who could read that book without learning something about crafting characters and plot. A Visit From the Goon Squad (Jennifer Egan) was one of the most audaciously brilliant books I’ve read in a long time, too. It won (and deserved) the Pulitzer Prize — extremely “deep” without being leaden or boring.
What's the worst book you've ever read?
Fifty Shades of Grey. I’m glad that it made erotica mainstream again — the whole field has been dormant for decades now — but reading it was about as exciting as hammering nails into my eyeballs.
What elements make a good story?
Characters you care about, a plot without tons of holes and unresolved questions, and an element of universality — if you can’t relate in any way to what you’re reading (to the characters, to the plot, to the ideas), then the book isn’t going to resonate with you, and it’s not going to be a successful books.
What makes you roll your eyes or groan in a story?
Flowery descriptions that are meant to sound “smart” or “writer-ly” that do not advance the story really bug me. This is particularly true of new writers, who desperately want everyone to know how smart they are. I guess if I had to give this sort of writing a label, I’d call it pretentious writing. I also find clichés to be irritating. Though they can occasionally be used well, writers often use clichés because they can’t think of a better description — except that’s what being a writer is all about! Writers out there: when you go back and revise your manuscript (which I hope everyone does), take out the clichés and replace them with words that actually mean something. Don’t say someone is “seeing red”; show the character being angry. This is one of the reasons the Destroyer series is so good: even though the books are short and fun, the writers always gave the books their best work. The series wouldn’t have gotten to 150 books if the books were consistently half-assed. It’s important to give every book your full and undivided attention — readers will know if you don’t.
Anything else on your mind?
I am actively looking for new writers and new books — particularly in the action-adventure field. There have been some good action books lately — the Jack Reacher series and the Bourne series come to mind — but these are long books. I think the Destroyer series was successful because the books were short. Especially now that everyone has smartphones and other constant distractions, I think shorter books are going to make a comeback. Not everyone has three weeks to invest in reading a 600+ page novel, but a lot of people would like to read a book short enough that they can read it in a weekend. If you’d like to send in a submission or a proposal, please do so — DestroyerBooks at gmail.com. (The email address isn’t hyperlinked in order to cut down on spam). And please get the word out — if you know someone who is looking to get a book published, tell them to email me!
If you'd like to share your reading preferences, email Troglodad AT Gmail DOT COM for a set of questions or make your based on what you see above.
Devin Murphy is the son of New York Times bestselling authors Warren Murphy and Molly Cochran. Devin runs Destroyer Books, which primarily handles the legendary “Destroyer” series created by his father and the late Richard Sapir, which now contains over 150 novels. For more information about the company and their other titles, visit www.destroyerbooks.com.
How many books a year do you publish? Do you consider yourself a small publisher? Medium? Indie? What do you think that means?
We publish a relatively small number of new works — primarily the Legacy series, but we fully expect that number to go up over the next few years. It’s important to have a good foundation if you’re going to build a house, and the same is true here: we had to make sure that the business was capable of ‘handling’ new works before we started producing them. I’ve seen a lot of small publishers fold because they overextended themselves too early. I want to keep that from happening to us.
So what defines a “small publisher”?
Other than an obvious definition (“a publisher that publishes a small number of new books per year”), I think one key defining quality might be the number of employees dedicated to specific tasks. In other words, if you have an editor, an accountant, a social media liason, a graphic designer, etc., then you’re probably mid-sized or bigger. In a “small” business, there’s often one “chief everything officer,” so to speak, who handles the day-to-day work in a variety of different fields. That’s me. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, though, because it forces you to be very focused on every element of a book, from the content (editorial work) to publicity (marketing/social media). That, in turn, makes you really invested in the success of all of your titles, which is something that “big” publishers are known to neglect. I’ve read all the books we’ve published at least twenty times, and also know how much they earn, how effective (or ineffective) our ad campaigns are, and what our plans are for the next book (or series of books). A lot of people in the publishing industry can’t say that, because they’re small cogs in a big machine, rather than being the machine itself.
What are the differences between your company and a Big Five publisher?
This is such a big question that it’s hard to answer, but I think there are two main differences. First, we actually care immensely about each and every book we release. I’m not saying that the big publishers don’t care about their work, because they certainly do. But there’s a big difference between an assembly-line production model, which you can see in the big 5, and each book being carefully nurtured from beginning to end.
Also, because we’re smaller and don’t have the overhead of big publishing companies (offices in Manhattan, warehouse space for books, etc.), we’re able to be a lot more competitive (some would say “nicer”) than the big 5 in terms of what we offer authors. The traditional model of paying authors — large advance that never earns out, small royalties (if any are ever made) — just doesn’t make sense any more, for a lot of reasons. I think a new business model is better for authors and less risky for publishers — a smaller advance, with a much higher royalty rate.
Do you have any special education, training, etc. to be a publisher?
I read and learn constantly. Just because setting up a publishing account at Amazon is free doesn’t mean that it’s easy. I think it is colossally arrogant to assume that anyone can be a publisher, and it’s the mistake that many self-published authors make. Think of it like running: just because you can physically run does not mean that you’re going to be an Olympic marathon runner without a lot of training, knowledge, and dedication.
What do you do as a publisher?
“What don’t I do?” is perhaps a better question — because I do everything, from writing contracts to editing manuscripts to helping with graphic design. An author writes a draft (don’t call it a “book” yet because it’s not). I edit and offer suggestions and changes and the author sends me another draft. That’s the author’s job. Anything and everything involved with getting that book from Microsoft Word to being on someone’s bookshelf is up to me.
What are your preferred genres to read for fun? What genres will you NOT read? Which genres do you dislike reading?
When I’m not reading informational books, I like to read classics, mostly because if something is considered “great literature,” I want to know why. Usually “classics” are classic for a reason, and it’s a mistake to ignore them.
What influences your choice of book to read for fun?
Accessibility and price, honestly, are some of the main reasons I read what I do, even if that seems like a cop-out of an answer. Like most readers, I see a lot of books I’d like to read, but I have to balk when I see a retail price of $30+ for a hardcover or $15 for an ebook. That being said, I’m willing to pay any price if it’s an author I really like. When Gillian Flynn writes a new book, I’ll be buying that the day it comes out, regardless of price. Same with Lawrence Block. I can’t imagine I’m alone in feeling this way, though, so I use a combination of my personal tastes and market research to help decide pricing for new books.
I know a lot of people love audiobooks, but I have no patience for them — I read too quickly. Why spend 12 hours listening to something when I could read it in 2 hours? Plus, I don’t like listening to things (music, TV, audiobook) when I’m working. I think I’d like audiobooks if I had to spend a lot of time driving, but I don’t.
How fast do you read?
When I’m editing a manuscript, I read very, very slowly. When I’m reading for fun, I read extremely quickly. A lot depends on how dense a book is, but for a fun read, I can usually read at least a page or two pages per minute.
What's the best book you've ever read?
“Best” in what sense? As a high watermark of literature with a capital “L”? Ulysses (James Joyce), without question. Best book I’ve read in the past year? Gone Girl was gripping, and I don’t know a single writer who could read that book without learning something about crafting characters and plot. A Visit From the Goon Squad (Jennifer Egan) was one of the most audaciously brilliant books I’ve read in a long time, too. It won (and deserved) the Pulitzer Prize — extremely “deep” without being leaden or boring.
What's the worst book you've ever read?
Fifty Shades of Grey. I’m glad that it made erotica mainstream again — the whole field has been dormant for decades now — but reading it was about as exciting as hammering nails into my eyeballs.
What elements make a good story?
Characters you care about, a plot without tons of holes and unresolved questions, and an element of universality — if you can’t relate in any way to what you’re reading (to the characters, to the plot, to the ideas), then the book isn’t going to resonate with you, and it’s not going to be a successful books.
What makes you roll your eyes or groan in a story?
Flowery descriptions that are meant to sound “smart” or “writer-ly” that do not advance the story really bug me. This is particularly true of new writers, who desperately want everyone to know how smart they are. I guess if I had to give this sort of writing a label, I’d call it pretentious writing. I also find clichés to be irritating. Though they can occasionally be used well, writers often use clichés because they can’t think of a better description — except that’s what being a writer is all about! Writers out there: when you go back and revise your manuscript (which I hope everyone does), take out the clichés and replace them with words that actually mean something. Don’t say someone is “seeing red”; show the character being angry. This is one of the reasons the Destroyer series is so good: even though the books are short and fun, the writers always gave the books their best work. The series wouldn’t have gotten to 150 books if the books were consistently half-assed. It’s important to give every book your full and undivided attention — readers will know if you don’t.
Anything else on your mind?
I am actively looking for new writers and new books — particularly in the action-adventure field. There have been some good action books lately — the Jack Reacher series and the Bourne series come to mind — but these are long books. I think the Destroyer series was successful because the books were short. Especially now that everyone has smartphones and other constant distractions, I think shorter books are going to make a comeback. Not everyone has three weeks to invest in reading a 600+ page novel, but a lot of people would like to read a book short enough that they can read it in a weekend. If you’d like to send in a submission or a proposal, please do so — DestroyerBooks at gmail.com. (The email address isn’t hyperlinked in order to cut down on spam). And please get the word out — if you know someone who is looking to get a book published, tell them to email me!
If you'd like to share your reading preferences, email Troglodad AT Gmail DOT COM for a set of questions or make your based on what you see above.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Reader Profile: Author & Artist Glenn Porzig
Reader Profiles is where I'll speak to people about their reading habits. Face it, most authors seem only interested in speaking about writing. That's leaving out a huge portion of the publishing industry...
Glenn Porzig is a long time fan of fiction ranging from Michael Moorcock to Douglas Adams and all points in between. A graphic artists with comic book credits under his belt, Glenn tried his hand at fiction writing in 2014 with a short story in the fan anthology More Blood, based on The Destroyer series by Warren Murphy and Richard Sapir, and his own novella series, Darkness Unbound.
How often do you read? How fast do you read?
These days I'm reading a lot! Pretty much on a daily basis. As a young kid, through high school and into college, I read a lot of comic books. I've read thousands, and I still read some today. When I'm reading, I tend to read pretty fast, but I'm often reading more than one book at a time, so it may take a long time to finish a book.
Favorite authors?
The author I've read the most would be Michael Moorcock. I was a big fan of his Elric series and all of the interconnecting books about the Eternal Champion in different realities and time periods. Moorcock coined the term Multiverse. I've read over thirty of his books. I was lucky enough to meet him a few years back.
The Hichhiker's Guide to the Galaxy was very important to me. I was even a big fan of the British TV show. I eagerly read all the books and then the Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency books. I've read just about everything Douglas Adams has written, and even a book written about him. It's a shame he's no longer with us.
A more recent author that I've become a big fan of is James Rollins. His Sigma Force thrillers are a lot of fun. Ancient artifacts, globe spanning conspiracies, high tech gadgets, his books have it all. I looked up some information on him and it turns out he's inspired by the Doc Savage books. I think that explains a lot about why I like him so much.
What are your preferred genres to read for fun? What genres will you NOT read, or dislike reading?
I obviously have read a lot of pulp. Even books I didn't really think were pulp at the time. When I was younger I read a lot of The Shadow paperbacks and listened to a lot of the radio shows as well. I also read a fair amount of Doc Savage and a little of The Avenger and The Spider.
Early on I read the Conan books by Robert E. Howard. That is the stuff I didn't really think of as pulp at the time. Lately my wife has gotten me into reading some H.P. Lovecraft.
Michael Moorcock's Eternal Champion series is Fantasy, but some of his other books are action adventure with a dash of sci-fi.
I'll read pretty much anything as long as it isn't mundane. I need something paranormal. Give me robots, cyborgs, psychic powers or spies with exotic high tech gadgets.
The only reason I'd ever pick up a non-fiction book is for research for a writing project. Or a guide to help hone your craft as a writer or artist. I've read a few screenplay writing books.
What influences your choice of book to read for fun?
CONCEPT! If I like the idea then I'm all in! I won't really know if it is well executed until I get to read it, but if the concept fires up my imagination then I'm hooked. A cool title is a big help. An epic or clever title that evokes something inside me, sparks memories of other books or shows I like in that genre.
How could you not be interested in Superheroes trying to survive the zombie apocalypse? That's the concept in Peter Clines' EX-Heroes series.
Obviously a nice cover is a big plus. I'm an artist and I appreciate art. I have a collection of art books with paintings from sci-fi and fantasy novels. Good art will always get my attention.
When I'm reading a book I never want it to end. I don't want to leave that universe. So it is probably silly of me to avoid big books. I just don't want to tackle an epic tome like a Stephen King book. I like a lot of genres, and a lot of authors and I want to get on to the next book, so I shy away from 300+ page books.
As an avid viewer of genre TV shows, I am really appreciating the ebook trend of releasing short series, quick reads that are affordable and somewhat episodic. This is what I'm hoping to do with my own series.
What's the best book you've ever read?
(At the time) The Weird of the White Wolf by Michael Moorcock was the best book I'd ever read. I suppose where you are in life matters a lot. The timing of what you read and when you read it sometimes just magically syncs up. When I found it on a paperback shelf at Kmart it didn't matter that it was book two in the saga of Elric of Melnibone, or that I had no idea if/when I'd ever find book one.
That silver border with strange symbols. The gaunt pale hero with his long white hair blowing in the wind. He was clutching a large sword with a black blade engraved with mystical runes, and it drank the souls of his foes granting him superhuman strength... I had to have that book! I later bought two copies of book one so I could have a loaner copy to get others started on the series.
What's the worst book you've ever read?
I've read a lot of the free ebooks and some are surprisingly good. Others are not. While I enjoy B-movies, B grade books aren't quite the same. It's so bad it's good doesn't really work with books. I try to stay positive and will decline from calling out a worst book I've ever read, but I'm sure there are plenty to choose from.
What elements make a good story?
I think a larger than life hero facing a more powerful foe is what I'm drawn to. The classic Good versus Evil from the Saturday afternoon serials and the comic books. The stakes need to be high. Exotic locations are a plus. I like things that a both fresh and familiar at the same time. A thriller needs to have high stakes and keep the pace up.
What makes you roll your eyes or groan in a story?
I'm pretty forgiving, but I want my characters to be in the moment. I don't want someone to break character for the sake of a cheap joke. This is difficult for me as a writer because I'm currently writing Occult Horror. With all of the murders and demonic possession going on there's not a lot of room for humor... but I'd actually like to write a little more humor.
Also, I love foreshadowing. That's a lot of what I do with my writing. So I hate it when something comes out of left field in a story. If I'm reading a mystery, I should have been presented with all of the elements to have a shot at solving it myself.
Ever watch movies based on books, or read a book because it's already been made into a movie?
I'm always interested in seeing a good book that I've read turned into a movie. Now that I've written a book I'd certainly love to see it turned into a movie! I know they are two very different things. There is no budget constraint when you write a scene in a book. And I know they only have so much time to work with when making a movie and lots from the book is likely to be cut out.
I almost never run out to read a book because I hear they are making a movie out of it. And I almost never read a book because I enjoyed the movie. A notable exception would be when I tracked down a copy of I am Legend by Richard Matheson because I enjoyed The Omega Man so much and I heard the book was good but very different.
Where do you like to read the most?
I've always liked to read in bed. That's a lot easier these days with a tablet and the Kindle App than it was back in the day. I used to have a lamp that would swivel out over my pillow that gave decent light for reading a paperback, but I'd always end up banging into the lampshade.
I once read the whole Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy in one day, sitting in the bed of a pickup truck, and got a sunburn doing it. Much safer inside, away from all that radiation!
I'm a photojournalist on a news helicopter and I always bring either a paperback or my tablet (sometimes both) when I have a flight in case it is a long flight or I get stuck in an airport somewhere. It's fun to tell an author that I read their whole book while flying around in a helicopter!
What are you reading now?
On my tablet I'm currently reading LEGACY: Trial & Terror by Warren Murphy and Gerald Welch. This is book four of the new reader friendly spin-off series that follows the exploits of the son and daughter of Remo Williams, The Destroyer.
On my phone (often before bed) I'm reading The Compleat Crow by Brian Lumley. This is a collection of short stories featuring Titus Crow set in the Cthulhu Mythos by the author of the Necroscope series.
And occasionally, for research, I'm reading a paperback copy of Occult America: White House séances, Ouija Circles, Masons, and the Secret Mystic History of Our Nation by Mitch Horowitz.
What are you writing now?
I'm currently writing Terror of Night, the second book in my Darkness Unbound series that started with Lady in Black. I have a bunch more books plotted out in that series. My wife and I have written some screenplays together and when I find time I plan to do novelizations of them. I also hope to put out some short stories, I'm currently working on one called Endangered.
If you'd like to share your reading preferences, email Troglodad AT Gmail DOT COM for a set of questions or make your based on what you see above.
Come back soon for an interview with Small Press Publisher/Editor Devin Murphy of Destroyerbooks.
Glenn Porzig is a long time fan of fiction ranging from Michael Moorcock to Douglas Adams and all points in between. A graphic artists with comic book credits under his belt, Glenn tried his hand at fiction writing in 2014 with a short story in the fan anthology More Blood, based on The Destroyer series by Warren Murphy and Richard Sapir, and his own novella series, Darkness Unbound.
How often do you read? How fast do you read?
These days I'm reading a lot! Pretty much on a daily basis. As a young kid, through high school and into college, I read a lot of comic books. I've read thousands, and I still read some today. When I'm reading, I tend to read pretty fast, but I'm often reading more than one book at a time, so it may take a long time to finish a book.
Favorite authors?
The author I've read the most would be Michael Moorcock. I was a big fan of his Elric series and all of the interconnecting books about the Eternal Champion in different realities and time periods. Moorcock coined the term Multiverse. I've read over thirty of his books. I was lucky enough to meet him a few years back.
The Hichhiker's Guide to the Galaxy was very important to me. I was even a big fan of the British TV show. I eagerly read all the books and then the Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency books. I've read just about everything Douglas Adams has written, and even a book written about him. It's a shame he's no longer with us.
A more recent author that I've become a big fan of is James Rollins. His Sigma Force thrillers are a lot of fun. Ancient artifacts, globe spanning conspiracies, high tech gadgets, his books have it all. I looked up some information on him and it turns out he's inspired by the Doc Savage books. I think that explains a lot about why I like him so much.
What are your preferred genres to read for fun? What genres will you NOT read, or dislike reading?
I obviously have read a lot of pulp. Even books I didn't really think were pulp at the time. When I was younger I read a lot of The Shadow paperbacks and listened to a lot of the radio shows as well. I also read a fair amount of Doc Savage and a little of The Avenger and The Spider.
Early on I read the Conan books by Robert E. Howard. That is the stuff I didn't really think of as pulp at the time. Lately my wife has gotten me into reading some H.P. Lovecraft.
Michael Moorcock's Eternal Champion series is Fantasy, but some of his other books are action adventure with a dash of sci-fi.
I'll read pretty much anything as long as it isn't mundane. I need something paranormal. Give me robots, cyborgs, psychic powers or spies with exotic high tech gadgets.
The only reason I'd ever pick up a non-fiction book is for research for a writing project. Or a guide to help hone your craft as a writer or artist. I've read a few screenplay writing books.
What influences your choice of book to read for fun?
CONCEPT! If I like the idea then I'm all in! I won't really know if it is well executed until I get to read it, but if the concept fires up my imagination then I'm hooked. A cool title is a big help. An epic or clever title that evokes something inside me, sparks memories of other books or shows I like in that genre.
How could you not be interested in Superheroes trying to survive the zombie apocalypse? That's the concept in Peter Clines' EX-Heroes series.
Obviously a nice cover is a big plus. I'm an artist and I appreciate art. I have a collection of art books with paintings from sci-fi and fantasy novels. Good art will always get my attention.
When I'm reading a book I never want it to end. I don't want to leave that universe. So it is probably silly of me to avoid big books. I just don't want to tackle an epic tome like a Stephen King book. I like a lot of genres, and a lot of authors and I want to get on to the next book, so I shy away from 300+ page books.
As an avid viewer of genre TV shows, I am really appreciating the ebook trend of releasing short series, quick reads that are affordable and somewhat episodic. This is what I'm hoping to do with my own series.
What's the best book you've ever read?
(At the time) The Weird of the White Wolf by Michael Moorcock was the best book I'd ever read. I suppose where you are in life matters a lot. The timing of what you read and when you read it sometimes just magically syncs up. When I found it on a paperback shelf at Kmart it didn't matter that it was book two in the saga of Elric of Melnibone, or that I had no idea if/when I'd ever find book one.
That silver border with strange symbols. The gaunt pale hero with his long white hair blowing in the wind. He was clutching a large sword with a black blade engraved with mystical runes, and it drank the souls of his foes granting him superhuman strength... I had to have that book! I later bought two copies of book one so I could have a loaner copy to get others started on the series.
What's the worst book you've ever read?
I've read a lot of the free ebooks and some are surprisingly good. Others are not. While I enjoy B-movies, B grade books aren't quite the same. It's so bad it's good doesn't really work with books. I try to stay positive and will decline from calling out a worst book I've ever read, but I'm sure there are plenty to choose from.
What elements make a good story?
I think a larger than life hero facing a more powerful foe is what I'm drawn to. The classic Good versus Evil from the Saturday afternoon serials and the comic books. The stakes need to be high. Exotic locations are a plus. I like things that a both fresh and familiar at the same time. A thriller needs to have high stakes and keep the pace up.
What makes you roll your eyes or groan in a story?
I'm pretty forgiving, but I want my characters to be in the moment. I don't want someone to break character for the sake of a cheap joke. This is difficult for me as a writer because I'm currently writing Occult Horror. With all of the murders and demonic possession going on there's not a lot of room for humor... but I'd actually like to write a little more humor.
Also, I love foreshadowing. That's a lot of what I do with my writing. So I hate it when something comes out of left field in a story. If I'm reading a mystery, I should have been presented with all of the elements to have a shot at solving it myself.
Ever watch movies based on books, or read a book because it's already been made into a movie?
I'm always interested in seeing a good book that I've read turned into a movie. Now that I've written a book I'd certainly love to see it turned into a movie! I know they are two very different things. There is no budget constraint when you write a scene in a book. And I know they only have so much time to work with when making a movie and lots from the book is likely to be cut out.
I almost never run out to read a book because I hear they are making a movie out of it. And I almost never read a book because I enjoyed the movie. A notable exception would be when I tracked down a copy of I am Legend by Richard Matheson because I enjoyed The Omega Man so much and I heard the book was good but very different.
Where do you like to read the most?
I've always liked to read in bed. That's a lot easier these days with a tablet and the Kindle App than it was back in the day. I used to have a lamp that would swivel out over my pillow that gave decent light for reading a paperback, but I'd always end up banging into the lampshade.
I once read the whole Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy in one day, sitting in the bed of a pickup truck, and got a sunburn doing it. Much safer inside, away from all that radiation!
I'm a photojournalist on a news helicopter and I always bring either a paperback or my tablet (sometimes both) when I have a flight in case it is a long flight or I get stuck in an airport somewhere. It's fun to tell an author that I read their whole book while flying around in a helicopter!
What are you reading now?
On my tablet I'm currently reading LEGACY: Trial & Terror by Warren Murphy and Gerald Welch. This is book four of the new reader friendly spin-off series that follows the exploits of the son and daughter of Remo Williams, The Destroyer.
On my phone (often before bed) I'm reading The Compleat Crow by Brian Lumley. This is a collection of short stories featuring Titus Crow set in the Cthulhu Mythos by the author of the Necroscope series.
And occasionally, for research, I'm reading a paperback copy of Occult America: White House séances, Ouija Circles, Masons, and the Secret Mystic History of Our Nation by Mitch Horowitz.
What are you writing now?
I'm currently writing Terror of Night, the second book in my Darkness Unbound series that started with Lady in Black. I have a bunch more books plotted out in that series. My wife and I have written some screenplays together and when I find time I plan to do novelizations of them. I also hope to put out some short stories, I'm currently working on one called Endangered.
If you'd like to share your reading preferences, email Troglodad AT Gmail DOT COM for a set of questions or make your based on what you see above.
Come back soon for an interview with Small Press Publisher/Editor Devin Murphy of Destroyerbooks.
Friday, December 19, 2014
What I've Learned from Self-Publishing
Way back in 2012, I embarked on a new adventure--self-publishing. I missed the first few heady months of Amazon's successful Kindle Direct Publishing program, but I hastily jumped on their indie bandwagon and began producing a series of novels all by my lonesome.
2014 is now coming to a close. I've written 10 novels, 4 short stories and even one kid's middle grade reader. I've got something like 19 products on sale on Kindle (and iTunes, etc) and I managed to make several thousand dollars this year in royalties.
Has it been worth all the work? Well, yeah. Therefore, I enourage anyone who enjoys writing, and who wants to make some money doing so, to consider self-publishing. To that end, here's the most important things I've learned since 2012.
1. Readers want good stories. That's it. Very simple. Readers aren't all grammar-nazis. Most don't expect perfection, they expect entertainment and value for their money. I've read countless Big Five-published novels that sucked, had typos and errors and stupid plots. Books that surely didn't deserve shelf space in a book store. But me and countless others bought them, because we were hungry for stories and got suckered by slick marketing pros.
2. People do judge books by their covers. Especially now. There's such a huge glut of books on Kindle, that readers will indeed look at your cover and decided to move on or not. So you need something that's eye-catching and doesn't look like crap. Now, bear in mind, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so you need to tailor your cover to the market you're appealing to. Doing a romance novel? Have bare chests and sultry women on the cover. Doing something with action? Try an action-oriented cover, say with people fighting, shooting, etc. Don't mix these two up. Femme fatales staring wistfully into nothingness may cause a male reader to pause to admire the model's beauty, but it might not sell that many books.
Additionally, once your cover has caught someone's eye, you need a good blurb. You know, the little tidbit of a tease normally on the back of a paperback. It's what makes people want to look inside. And on Amazon, they can do the same thing. Or they can move on because your blurb is boring or stupid.
3.You must advertise. It does no good to write a book and then shove it in the back of a filing cabinet. No one will see it. Similarly, if you publish your book, putting it alongside millions of others on Amazon's virtual shelves, people may not see it. Oh, sure, it could show up for 30 days as a new release, but so will hundreds, if not thousands of others.
You may not have thousands of dollars to Russell up and invest in your book, plastering the internet with ads, but you can start small, offering free days on twitter, facebook, etc. Use those first few days of advertising to buy more ads. No sense editing every stray typo out of your book. Perfection doesn't magically attract readers. Ads do.
4. Readers want more. You can't write just one book. Well, you can. Maybe it's a therapeutic release, or you way of telling the picky gatekeepers to take a flying leap, but if you want to make money, you can't offer just one product. You're not a hotdog cart... although you might be a lunch truck. Write several books, preferably series. People like series.
5. Frequency is an Ad. The more often you release books, the more often you show up as a new release. That is a free ad. It's like buying multiple quick pick tickets in the lottery. Yes, no one might buy or even see your books, but you have more chances with more books. Shotgun method here. Plus, if a reader likes one book, and you have more, they might buy more, instead of moving on to the next indie.
6. You don't have to DIY. It's great if you can do it all yourself: making your own cover, editing, proofing, marketing... but like any industry, self-publishing has spawned thousands o hungry sharks circling the online seas looking for your money. Hire with caution, as many suck and just want your money. They can be no different than con men or home improvement fraudsters. Be selective and bargain shop. There's more "professional" services available online for indies than you can shake a stick at. Get quotes. Compare prices and results. And remember #3--you've got to have ads. They take priority.
7. Conventions suck (for selling). When you go to a comic book convention or a scifi convention, you look at products to determine if you want to spend money on them. With a book, it's really hard to tell if it's any good before buying. And conventions are costly: booth fees, print costs to have dead tree versions of your books, food you'll eat while there, gas to get there, maybe even hotel rooms. Selling a print copy and making $1 to $5 a copy, you better sell a crap ton of copies to even break even. Don't listen to people hyping "networking" or "word of mouth". It's a money pit. Spend the money on ads online. Or maybe try a bookfair where people are actually looking to buy books.
8. Join an online community. Lurk a lot on line, reading what others have done and taking notes on what works and what doesn't. Of course, you have to filter out a lot of boasting, like folks who claim to be best sellers because for 2.3 minutes their book was #1 in Fiction>Mysteries>Detectives>Eastern EuropeanGhosts. NEVER PAY FOR ADVICE. At least not until you've exhausted what free resources there are online. Yes, you can buy other writer's books and programs and what not, but odds are with a little work, you can find the same information for free.
9. To make money requires hard work. Writing is fun, but you need to keep at it. You can't slowly relish unfolding your epic masterpiece over a decade. You need to crank it out like a TV show. Produce, produce, produce. Any of the successful indies online had one of three thinsg that led to their success:
a. Lots of money to pay for book doctors, editors, proofers, cover artists, ads, etc
b. A stroke of huge luck
c. Connections with someone important or in the public eye who hawked their book for them
d. Buckets and buckets of elbow grease
It doesn't cost anything to do this. Work hard, be patient and you can eventually make some money and enjoy doing so.
10. Not everything works for everybody. Meaning everything I've written up to this point could be completely useless. Take in lots of opinions and advice and figure out what works on your own.
2014 is now coming to a close. I've written 10 novels, 4 short stories and even one kid's middle grade reader. I've got something like 19 products on sale on Kindle (and iTunes, etc) and I managed to make several thousand dollars this year in royalties.
Has it been worth all the work? Well, yeah. Therefore, I enourage anyone who enjoys writing, and who wants to make some money doing so, to consider self-publishing. To that end, here's the most important things I've learned since 2012.
1. Readers want good stories. That's it. Very simple. Readers aren't all grammar-nazis. Most don't expect perfection, they expect entertainment and value for their money. I've read countless Big Five-published novels that sucked, had typos and errors and stupid plots. Books that surely didn't deserve shelf space in a book store. But me and countless others bought them, because we were hungry for stories and got suckered by slick marketing pros.
2. People do judge books by their covers. Especially now. There's such a huge glut of books on Kindle, that readers will indeed look at your cover and decided to move on or not. So you need something that's eye-catching and doesn't look like crap. Now, bear in mind, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so you need to tailor your cover to the market you're appealing to. Doing a romance novel? Have bare chests and sultry women on the cover. Doing something with action? Try an action-oriented cover, say with people fighting, shooting, etc. Don't mix these two up. Femme fatales staring wistfully into nothingness may cause a male reader to pause to admire the model's beauty, but it might not sell that many books.
Additionally, once your cover has caught someone's eye, you need a good blurb. You know, the little tidbit of a tease normally on the back of a paperback. It's what makes people want to look inside. And on Amazon, they can do the same thing. Or they can move on because your blurb is boring or stupid.
3.You must advertise. It does no good to write a book and then shove it in the back of a filing cabinet. No one will see it. Similarly, if you publish your book, putting it alongside millions of others on Amazon's virtual shelves, people may not see it. Oh, sure, it could show up for 30 days as a new release, but so will hundreds, if not thousands of others.
You may not have thousands of dollars to Russell up and invest in your book, plastering the internet with ads, but you can start small, offering free days on twitter, facebook, etc. Use those first few days of advertising to buy more ads. No sense editing every stray typo out of your book. Perfection doesn't magically attract readers. Ads do.
4. Readers want more. You can't write just one book. Well, you can. Maybe it's a therapeutic release, or you way of telling the picky gatekeepers to take a flying leap, but if you want to make money, you can't offer just one product. You're not a hotdog cart... although you might be a lunch truck. Write several books, preferably series. People like series.
5. Frequency is an Ad. The more often you release books, the more often you show up as a new release. That is a free ad. It's like buying multiple quick pick tickets in the lottery. Yes, no one might buy or even see your books, but you have more chances with more books. Shotgun method here. Plus, if a reader likes one book, and you have more, they might buy more, instead of moving on to the next indie.
6. You don't have to DIY. It's great if you can do it all yourself: making your own cover, editing, proofing, marketing... but like any industry, self-publishing has spawned thousands o hungry sharks circling the online seas looking for your money. Hire with caution, as many suck and just want your money. They can be no different than con men or home improvement fraudsters. Be selective and bargain shop. There's more "professional" services available online for indies than you can shake a stick at. Get quotes. Compare prices and results. And remember #3--you've got to have ads. They take priority.
7. Conventions suck (for selling). When you go to a comic book convention or a scifi convention, you look at products to determine if you want to spend money on them. With a book, it's really hard to tell if it's any good before buying. And conventions are costly: booth fees, print costs to have dead tree versions of your books, food you'll eat while there, gas to get there, maybe even hotel rooms. Selling a print copy and making $1 to $5 a copy, you better sell a crap ton of copies to even break even. Don't listen to people hyping "networking" or "word of mouth". It's a money pit. Spend the money on ads online. Or maybe try a bookfair where people are actually looking to buy books.
8. Join an online community. Lurk a lot on line, reading what others have done and taking notes on what works and what doesn't. Of course, you have to filter out a lot of boasting, like folks who claim to be best sellers because for 2.3 minutes their book was #1 in Fiction>Mysteries>Detectives>Eastern EuropeanGhosts. NEVER PAY FOR ADVICE. At least not until you've exhausted what free resources there are online. Yes, you can buy other writer's books and programs and what not, but odds are with a little work, you can find the same information for free.
9. To make money requires hard work. Writing is fun, but you need to keep at it. You can't slowly relish unfolding your epic masterpiece over a decade. You need to crank it out like a TV show. Produce, produce, produce. Any of the successful indies online had one of three thinsg that led to their success:
a. Lots of money to pay for book doctors, editors, proofers, cover artists, ads, etc
b. A stroke of huge luck
c. Connections with someone important or in the public eye who hawked their book for them
d. Buckets and buckets of elbow grease
It doesn't cost anything to do this. Work hard, be patient and you can eventually make some money and enjoy doing so.
10. Not everything works for everybody. Meaning everything I've written up to this point could be completely useless. Take in lots of opinions and advice and figure out what works on your own.
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Back from obscurity...
Once upon a time, I wrote for this swell little blog called "My Thought World". It was regional, political-type place for conservaties, by conservatives. But gosh darn it, folks were so sick of politics after 2008, the readership plummeted and we shut that blog down. Kenya believe it?
Since that time, or at least since 2012, I've been writing. Novels. Supernatural thrillers where the darkest of evil gets its collective butt kicked every book by pulp-styled super soldiers.
Fun stuff.
In the past nearly three years, I've learned a lot about publishing and self-publishing. I've learned authors are supposed to have their own blog and that they should help those just starting out.
So here I am. Ready to ramble. Come back and see me once a week, or leave a comment and I'll do my best to answer.
Since that time, or at least since 2012, I've been writing. Novels. Supernatural thrillers where the darkest of evil gets its collective butt kicked every book by pulp-styled super soldiers.
Fun stuff.
In the past nearly three years, I've learned a lot about publishing and self-publishing. I've learned authors are supposed to have their own blog and that they should help those just starting out.
So here I am. Ready to ramble. Come back and see me once a week, or leave a comment and I'll do my best to answer.
Friday, June 22, 2012
It's Dusty in Here...
Anyone who happens to stumble across the Troglodad blog may notice it hasn't been updated in awhile. That's because I've moved on to other projects.
As such, it's probably time to come clean. Troglodad is just a persona. An online troll I developed for a little website called "Mythoughtworld.com".
I'm not really as trollish as Troglodad appears. It was all just an act. Preparation really, for a non-fiction, humourous parenting book.
Alas, I never got that project finished. Real life got in the way and then I got bit by the screenwriting bug. Which led me back to fiction writing and then on to self-publishing.
These days, my time is all focused on that fiction book, which you can read more about over at http://www.StoneSoldiers.info
So it's going to get dustier here at Troglodad. A lot dustier. In fact, I'm letting the .com domain name expire.
Maybe one day in the far future, Trog will return. But for now, I'm putting him back in his cave.
As such, it's probably time to come clean. Troglodad is just a persona. An online troll I developed for a little website called "Mythoughtworld.com".
I'm not really as trollish as Troglodad appears. It was all just an act. Preparation really, for a non-fiction, humourous parenting book.
Alas, I never got that project finished. Real life got in the way and then I got bit by the screenwriting bug. Which led me back to fiction writing and then on to self-publishing.
These days, my time is all focused on that fiction book, which you can read more about over at http://www.StoneSoldiers.info
So it's going to get dustier here at Troglodad. A lot dustier. In fact, I'm letting the .com domain name expire.
Maybe one day in the far future, Trog will return. But for now, I'm putting him back in his cave.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
#HighGasPrices #Whatchagonnado
Dear Hollyweird,
I regret to inform you that due to the increase in the price of gasoline, due in part to the officials you helped get elected, I will no longer be able to go see your overpriced films in theaters.
You see, not only are your tickets prices too high, but the actual cost to drive to your theaters has become prohibitive. As such, myself and my family will have to stay home and rewatch DVDs we have already paid for, and can rewatch countless times for free. Thereby saving ticket money and fuel- to pay for the fuel we need to go to work, the grocery and to take our children to school.
I realize this places a hardship on you and your countless employees. This will undoubtably cause many fine ilms to not be made. But the reduction in your funds may also mean that you will have less to invest in political campaigns, and ultimately gas prices might once again return to more reasonable levels.
Sincerely,
Average Consumer
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
#ParentTip Teaching Your Kids NOT to Curse
There comes a time in every parent's life when they hear their child utter a profanity for the first time. For me, it was when my oldest was almost 3 and she blurted out "F*CK!"
Horrifying.
In all fairness, it was my fault. Like a veritable indoor Cody Lundin, I like to go barefoot at home. This is often dangerous when small children lay their toys about. Especially girls with their chintzy vending-machine jewlery. In this case, a metal ring undoubtably made of 50% lead, imported from the finest of Indian jewlers. When I placed my foot on it, then pressed my (then) 265 pounds down on it, it very nearly sliced through my callouses. I immediately exlaimed the F-word, and struck the wall that happened to be nearby. My daughter thought it was hilarious and burst out laughing. For several days thereafter, she would run around and declare "F*CK!" then hit the wall and break out laughing.
Not long after, we adopted the "movie talk" policy: you may only use movietalk if you are in a movie, or when you reach 18. It has worked for years.
Alas, as the children have grown older and become more exposed to life, they are beginning to hear more and more colorful language. Especially from the internet.
Just a few nights ago me and the kids watched some Youtube gamer videos- I'm fascinated by the ways so many people find to glitch and cheat in games. We stumbled across very polissibly the funniest gamer on the internet: ROBBAZ- King of Sweden. Amongst the colorful language we heard from Robbaz was him calling the other team in a commentary of a BF3 match "Pussies" (or as he says it, poo-sies; he has a funny swedish accent). Yoinks!
The next night, me and the girls waited in the minivan while the wife grocery shopped (the van having a DVD player and comfortable leather seats- making it far more comfortable than pushing a shopping cart). During this waiting time, my eldest, Sammie, decided to quote Robbaz, and uttered the word "Pussies".
Argh.
I told her not to say that word... then had to explain why she can't. Crap.
I hastily explained that pussies are pussycats, and went into one of my mind-numbingly boring dissertations on the origin of the phrase: how in 1950s people called someone very nice and quiet a pussycat, etc. etc. I then went on to explain that pussycats are the weakest of animals- that even a small child could kill one, and so a "pussy" was someone overly weak. I told her that there was another use of the word that is cursing, and that she didn't need to know it, but just don't use the word and but that Robbaz meant it as a "sissy"-type remark on his gaming opponents.
Ha! Clever, on-the-fly lying points for me...
Hours later, as I reflected on this, I thought, "Oh, my God, what if my daughter says that word at school? In front of her mother?
After a talk with the wife, I decided it was time for a conversation about cursing with my 12 year old.
I revealed the origins of the word again... from harmless 1950s & 60s term for a quiet, nice, etc person, to the shortened euphemism for a female body part in the 1970s and 1980s, to it's over use in the 1990s, leading to it cavalierly being thrown about now as a term for a weak person. I equated it to "pantywaist" a term not used much anymore. Then I had to explain that. I stated that I prefer she use "wussy" if she had too, but admitted I don't know the origins of that one.
We then went on to cover other profanities, "balls", "Bollux", "fag", etc. etc. I liked to throw the British terms in to demonstrate how something harmless-sounding here might be offensive in other countries and vice-versa. For example, "Tits", another of Robbaz's favorites. I explained teats, boobs, knockers, hooters, etc. I explained that "tit" doesn't have the same offensiveness overseas as here. I should have explained "tit-mouse" but I completely blanked on that one.
In the end I answered her questions about other words she's heard at school ("Chode" for example). I explained why boys like to talk about "hot dogs" and "weiners" and why they think it's funny. And I got an agreement that she not repeat any word she doesn't know the meaning of until checking it with me.
Thank goodness the wife had already given a Birds and Bees 101 talk. it would have been f*cking awkward to have that conversation with a 12 year old.
So to all you Youtubers out there... please watch it with the sex talk. Children are watching.
Thursday, December 01, 2011
Is your Furnace Working?
It's nearly winter here in the midwest, and that's the time of year that many people find out that their furnace isn't working.
Fear not, just because the heat won't come on, doesn't mean you have to panic and call a repairman.
Here's a quick troubleshooting checklist anyone should be able to do to get things working:
1. Check the batteries on your thermostat. Replace them even. Bad batteries can cause the whole system to go off. Or maybe someone (your kid) played with the thermostat and turned it off, or broke it. Thermostats are under a hundred dollars, sometimes under $50 at your local home improvement store. Changing a thermostat is more complicated than changing a light bulb, but less complicated than changing a bad breaker.
2. Check the air returns to make sure nothing is blocking air flow TO the furnace. Gas furnaces have a safety feature where they kick off if they can't pull in enough air. This is to prevent catching themselves on fire
3. Check the vents- to make sure they aren't blocked, preventing proper air flow (see #2)
4. Check your breakers. Maybe one tripped, shutting off power to a part of the furnace. Like the main or secondary blowers.
5. Check the filters- a clogged filter can prevent proper air flow. (See #2)
6. Look for an error code light. For example on my Trane, there is a curcuit board with an LED. Through a window in the front access panel, you can see the light blink. Count the blinks. Take off the panel off (when the furnace isn't running)and there should be a chart that tells you what the blinks mean. It might be a return heat sensor (upper limit) that's gone bad (ours has three times in 12 years). If it goes out, the furnace thinks it's too hot and shuts off. (See #2)
7. Check to make sure the panels are on right- they have to have a good seal to prevent bringing in outside air. If a panel has been knocked loose, the system may shut off- similar to what happens when you open the door to your dryer.
8. Get your make and model number and google, google google. You might find it's some simple other problem.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
A VAN-tastic Weekend
What a weekend this past one was. Chock full of the perils of parenting and modern day life.
It began on Friday with a quick trip to the local Target to get a birthday card for our friends' little boy. He had a party the next day, and when we got his present earlier in the week, the wife forgot to pick out a card.
I didn't know it at the time, but that turned out to be a $250.00 card.
Saturday, we went to the party, leaving the hous elate as folks with kids so often do. We cruised up the interstate to our friends' house, arriving in their town on a quarter-tank of gas. Whoops. No problem, we pulled into the local Circle K for a fill up. Except the pumps wouldn't come on.
The thing I love most about using a debit card is not having to go into a gas station and stand in line like a schmuck. To get gas. Instead, I swipe at the pump, select my fuel, pump and go. It's awesome. Unless the people inside don't activate the pump. And instead turn it off. And you have to swipe your card three more times. Then you move to another pump, and it too takes your card, tells you to pump, but the idiots inside won't authorize the pump to start. That's annoying. And a good way to add 20 more minutes onto your lateness. Thankfully, there was a working gas station across the street.
The party was pretty standard fair for an 8 year old. Kids running around playing, no structured activities, while the parents sit around and talk. In this case the parents being my wife, her two female co-workers and one other husband. Myself and the other husband didn't say much.
The party over, we took our kids and headed home, stopping at a McDonalds for some cool drinks. In the case of my over-heated 6 year old, a chocoloate milk shake. Not a good idea.
Once home, me and the kids enjoyed a little TV then crashed on air matresses and sleeping bags on the basement movie room's floor about 11:00 PM. At 2:00 AM or so, my littlest sits up and does an admirable Linda Blair/Exorcist impersonation- vomiting all over her blankets, sheet and mattress. In my dadcave.
A half hour later, after disposing of he chocolate and hot dog chunks (and the sheet they were on), we were all cleaned up and the weekend basement camping resumed. Cause I needed my sleep since I'd be moving furniture on Sunday.
3:00AM or so, my littlest awoke again.. with dry heaves. Been there, done that. Just not from drinking chocolate milkshakes.
The next day, the furniture move commenced. It was time to get rid of the pee couch.
I never knew girls bedwet until my six year old started doing it on my recliner couch in the basement dadcave. Despite scotch guarding and a bottle of dog urine-removing enzymatic cleaner, my couch got ruined in the first few months of the year. I tried to mask the smell with Febreeze, and a couch cover, but that human urine smell just doesn't seem to go away. On top of that, the 12 year old couch finally gave out on one side, it's recliner mechanism buckling under my Shrek-sized mass. It was time for a new couch.
As luck would have it, a friend is getting married. He and his new wife have to reduce their two households to one. Which meant yardsale. And a gently-used couch and recliner. For me.
grabbing a buddy of mine and folding down the stow and go seats in the minivan, I began the move.
It was as I was opening the doors to the van at my engaged friend's home that I noticed the damage to my van. Parking lot hit and run. Maroon paint, from a maroon's car, down the passenger side of my van. Including a nice 6-inch groove in the body above the rear wheel well. How my wife and oldest daughter missed this getting in and out of the van is beyond me. But it was very clear: we got hit at Target. Friday.
After a bout of cursing, I got the couch in my van and headed home. Already pissed off, and not really wanting to carry the pee couch up my basement stairs, I broke out some wrenches and a hand saw and turned pee couch into three piece sectional to relieve some anger. it was also much easier to carry.
Then it was time to bring the new couch down.
Unfortunately, the new couch's narrowest measurement is 31". While my exterior door is 32" wide, the basement door is only 29.5". No couch in my basement. Nope. Now I'm stuck with a couch on my carport, waiting for someone to pick it up. I have a three piece pee couch in my front yard that hopefully the garbage men will take, and two recliners in my movie room... instead of a couch and two recliners.
But best of all... since no one identified the person who hit my van, I have to pay $250.00 in a deductible to get it fixed.
Vantastic.
Many morals to this story:
Buy birthday cards and presents at the same time.
Don't park next to big trucks or SUVs at Target.
Don't rely on passengers to check their side of the car for damage when leaving a parking lot.
Don't get gas from Circle K.
Don't give an Overheated child a milkshake to drink.
Tell your Kids they need to chew their food more thoroughly so their puke is not so chunky.
Get the new furnture inside BEFORE chopping up or moving the old furniture.
Measure new furniture, and your doorways before making any purchase. Even from a yard sale.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Fall is For Family Fun
Finally, the first day of Fall is here.
And with it comes the steady stream of family events.
Fall is so much better for families. There's no blistering heat nor freezing cold to deal with.
Your kids can't make you go swimming- it's too cold.
Food is abundant and so are food-centered, fall harvest-type events. Special foods become available in the Fall. Our favorite is Pumpkin-flavored ice cream. Grilling becomes a whole lot more enjoyable in the Fall. No more sitting by the hot grill, in blistering weather sweating while you wait for the meat to sizzle. Slip on a light jacket, enjoy the cool and savor the outdoor cooking time.
One of our particular favorite fall family events is the annual trip to the pumpkin patch. There we let the kids slop around in dirty fields, picking their pumpkins. Cost? Fairly cheap. No knick knacks to buy. No admission price. Just pay for the pumpkins. (And hopefully remember to bring bags to carry them in).
Even better, Fall trips are short ones. No extended road trips when the kids are back in school. Just short jaunts within your immediate driving area. And road trips aren't just shorter in Fall... the roads are less packed. With school back in session folks tend not to stray so far from home. Which means the amount of lost tourists passing through or visiting your town should hopefully drop off.
Fall has two family favorite holidays. Halloween and Thanksgiving. Halloween is great. Maybe a tad expensive with costumes and candy. But think of all the candy parents get to share- either in the form of leftovers you didn't hand out, or sharing in your own kids' gatherings. Thanksgiving? Who doesn't like the annual gorge-fest where we stuff our bird, then ourselves?
There's more time for families in Fall. The grass slows down it's growing, and yard work disappears. That means less time in the yard, and more time with the family... or TV.
New shows debut in the Fall. Not very many are famly-appropriate but there are always a few. Like this Sunday's "Terra Nova", about a family that journies back in time 83 million years. I plan to watch it with my kids and eat dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets while it's on.
Fall is great.
Friday, September 16, 2011
"It could be worse" are not words of sympathy
How many times have you heard the words "It could be worse"? How many times have you used them yourself? Worse still, how many times have you added an example of how things could be worse?
I'd like to propose that is just downright rude.
Take for example the current economic problems in our country. How many people out there are suffering from these tough times, and can do absolutely nothing about it? Except maybe complain. So they do complain- they lament that gasoline cost them so much, or that they can't take their kids on vacation, or any of a number of other monetary problems.
Should you really open your mouth and spew out "At least you've still got a job- things could be worse."
No. No, you should not.
Think about that last time your kid was crying in the store, demanding a toy and you told them no. For me, the answer I say no is usually because it's not in our budget and that our house is bursting with toys. We can't afford to buy the kids a toy every time we go to the store and they don't really have anywhere to put any more toys. But kids don't understand that- they don't see the difference between you buying stuff for you or the house, and not a toy for them. It's one of those things you have to teach your kids that really tries your patience.
So it goes like this:
Kid: "I want a toy!"
Parent: "No."
Kid: "I WANT A TOY!"
Parent: "No."
Kid: "Why not?!"
Parent: "We can't afford it." or "You don't need any more toys."
Kid: "But I need a toy!" or "I don't like my toys!"
Can you imagine if at this point you told your child "Be glad you have what toys you do have. There are kids in Africa with no toys. Or food. It could be worse- you could be like them."
A teenager might understand that logic. A twelve year old might. A five year old definitely won't. But whether they understand it is not the point. It's not what they want to hear.
"It could be worse" doesn't exactly ring sympathetic in any situation. I know the old addage "look for the silver lining" can be helpful, but you don't have to say it that way.
Think about it- why does anyone complain? To get comfort. Maybe in the form of that Barbie on sale, maybe from compassionate understanding from the person they are speaking to.
When my kids come to me with some complaint, or they are sad, I don't tell them "it could be worse". Or "suck it up". I listen to them, and maybe give them a hug, or a bowl of ice cream or something else to cheer them up.
Telling someone "it could be worse" is not comforting. Telling them "well, at least you've got your health" might be comforting, but probably not. Be like a bartender, or a therapist and just listen. That's all anyone really wants- someone to listen to their belly aching. It's even acceptable to chime in with your own, similar woes. Just make sure to acknowledge the other person's plight. Hugs or ice cream are optional.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Sometimes the Grass Doesn't Want to be Cut
SOMETIMES THE GRASS DOESN'T WANT TO BE CUT
Cutting the grass. A horrible chore any dad would rather skip. But inevtiably, it has to be done- at least until the kids are old enough to do it. So there I was, ready to finally mow the front yard after putting it off for some time due to the record high temps, rain and a flu, cold and sinus infection all within a week of each other.
Knowing my riding mower was out of gas, I went out and got some.
I took the gas out to the mower itself. Uh-oh. Flat tire. Dammit. It seems like every time I use the mower, one tire is low. No problem. Can of fix-a-flat to the rescue.
I turned around to go open the gate from backyard to front... and there was a small tree in the way. A fallen tree. I didn't even know it had falled. But it was there, blocking the way. Not feeling like messing with the chainsaw, I got my bow saw and double-headed axe and chopped away enough to clear a path from shed to gate.
Rolled the mower out of the shed. Ah... a second tire is low, on it's way to being flat. Ah, well, once started, I could drive the mower around to the front of the house and break out my compressor.
If the mower would start. Nothing when I turned the key. If the grass wasn't so long, I'd have given up.
Turns out, it was just dirty contacts on the mower's battery cables. Once cleaned, they let the mower turn over. It sounded awful.
Check of the oil revealed why- very low. Luckily, I keep plenty of oil on hand for the cars- enough for each car to get one change at any time. So I borrowed some from one of our cars.
Finally, I got the mower going, and drove it around front. Got the compressor out from the carport and aired the tires up. I finally got started on the mowing.
I made one pass and the blades stopped turning. Turned out the belt had jumped off one of the pulleys. No problem, I was able to climb down and reconnect. Mowing resumed.
My front yard is divided into four sections: the main yard, then the part between sidewalk and street, barely 4 feet wide running across the front of the property, then a small sliver of yard to the right of the driveway, next to the neighbor, and finally a strip of grass up by the house, again separated by a sidewalk from the rest of the yard.
Main yard. Done. Front of house, done. Front strip by road. Done. Now it was time to move the wife's car that is parked in the grass beside the driveway- where a parking area should be paved, but which I have been putting off doing for years. Gotta move the car to mow it... and the wife's battery is dead. Nice. No problem, I'm pissed at this point, it's near dinner time. I'll mow around her car.
So I do. Or at least I start to. I carefully jockey the mower into position, disengaging the blades as I do so, so that I don't cut the neighbor's grass. Not because I would mind doing it, but because my neighbors are anal about how their yards look. Where as I'd happily replace my grass with sand, moss or even concrete.
Anyways, as I'm positioning my deck into just the right spot, I pull the lever to re-engage the blades. Nothing happens. I look down and there's a belt, broken and hanging out.
And that is quitting time.
Mower out of gas? Just a quick trip to the gas station.
Tree down? Cut it up.
Flat tire? Fill it up, or use the can of fix-a-flat every car shoudl have in it anyways.
Engine won't turn over? Clean the contacts.
No oil? Raid the supplies every garage should have.
Belt breaks? Go to the store and buy a new one. Unless you've had all these problems in one day, in which case it is time to yield to the couch gods and give up for the day.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Skechers Twinkle Toes: Not in the House!
Skechers makes a brand new shoe.
"Twinkle Toes" for boys and girls too.
They have little lights in the sides and on the toe,
They flash and sparkle, wherever kids go.
These lights are too sparkly, I do think.
They flash and sparkle and furiously blink.
They are too bright to wear to a movie.
Your teacher won't think they're very groovy.
I do not like Twinkle Toes, no I do not.
I especially hate that they cost a lot.
I hate them from their soles to their trippy seams.
I hate their retina-burning, laser beams.
Friday, August 19, 2011
TROGLO MOVIE RE-VIEW:
"SUPER" (2010)
At the recommendation of a friend, I watched "SUPER", starring Kevin Bacon and Rainn Wilson.
It is such a terrible movie, I am compelled to offer this warning-review to any dad out there that may not have seen it but is considering doing so. "Super" is one of the most child-inappropriate movies I've ever seen. Easily as inappropriate as "Drive Angry" with Nicholas Cage- both of which feature simulated sex. But while "Drive Angry" keeps it's sex in the consenting-adults, fornicating department, "Super" delves into depictions of Rape, and maybe even a little pedophilia.
By this point in the review, you are undoubtably thinking I'm some kind of religious zealot. Not at all. While I am a Christian, I don't shove my beliefs in your face. I respect the freedom of choice God gave you to choose whatever belief system you want. But I found this film to be particularly blasphemous.
I'd also like to point out that I love movies. When asked what my hobby is, I always list "watching movies" first. And I regularly watch crappy movies- particularly the saturday night schlock on the Syfy Channel. I love that stuff. However, had I not spent money on "Super" I'd have stopped watching it very early on. And I've only ever walked out on one movie: "Johnny Be Good" (1988). But at least I laughed in that one.
Before I proceed to rip this movie apart, and impart on you, why you, as a dad, should never waste your hard-earned dough or that nearly two hours of your life on it, I'd like to acknowledge the good things about "Super".
It is under two hours in length.
It has incredible acting from Rainn Wilson and Kevin Bacon. I knew Kevin Bacon was good, but I never knew the weird guy from "The Office" could actually act.
The movie is perfectly made. Fantastic Direction from James Gunn. Despite it's incredible offensiveness, I'd definitely watch a movie of his again, simply because he directed it. It looked good, was edited tight, and was masterfully done. Things I normally couldn't care about. Too bad the subject matter was such crap.
The special effects were top notch. I normally bitch about bad special effects right off the bat- sometimes as I'm leaving a theater even. But "Super" was superb in the effects department.
Liv Tyler is in it. Even made up to look like her crack whore character, Liv is still a beautiful woman.
Michael Rooker and Kevin Bacon are in it. Being the B Movie fan I am, that alone is enough to get me to watch it.
The opening credits are a cartoon... that is better than the whole movie.
It more accurately protrays firearms. I always hate in movies how firearms are often protrayed inaccurately merely because the writer is either an idiot, or too lazy to work around real world physics. In this film, firearms do damage that isn't 100% real-world, but a hell of a lot closer than you'd expect. I also liked that some of the characters were portrayed as if they knew how to shoot, with Weaver stances, aiming, and what not.
Okay, that's about it. You might notice I didn't mention it's funny. Because it isn't. I didn't laugh out loud one time. Not because it's offensive. "Hot Tub Time Machine" is pretty damned offensive, but I laughed so hard I was crying during that movie. "Super" just isn't funny.
Let me give you a quick synopsis of "Super".
Rainn Wilson's Frank is a cook in a local diner. He has married Live Tyler's reformed crack whore waitress. He chalks this up as one of the two greatest moments of his life- the other being the time he pointed where a fleeing robber had gone to a police officer. Frank is a weird dude with a history of being picked on, as graphically illustrated in flashbacks that include children urinating on him and his prom date having sex with another guy. One day, Frank's wife leaves him- going to shack up with Jacques (Kevin Bacon) the owner of a local strip club and an drig dealer. Frank tries to get Sarah (Liv Tyler) back, and gets the crap beat out him by Jacques' henchmen (which include Michael Rooker). Frank, after watching a parody of the Bibleman TV show, has a vision of God visiting him, touching his brain (after cutting open his head with tentacles). Frank takes this as a sign he should become a superhero. He sews together a shitty-looking costume and embarks on a vigilante spree- beating up drug dealers, child molesters, and some guy that tries to cut in line at the movies. Frank eventually reveals his secret to the 22 year old (but looks like she's 14) girl at the local comic book shop (Ellen Page). She creates a costume and becomes his side kick. Together, the Crimson Bolt and Boltie go out to fight more crime- beating up a guy who may have keyed Boltie's friend's car. In the end, Frank and Boltie do a ful scale assault on Jacques' mansion- during a very important drug deal. This is right after Boltie effectively rapes Frank in her home (that's the pedofile bit). During the assault, Sarah is raped by one of the drug dealers. Boltie is killed in the assault. Frank saves Sarah, who then leaves him a few months later, remarries, and has multiple children- who send "Uncle Frank" drawings regularly. Frank sits on a bed in his room, the walls covered with such drawings, narrating that his purpose was to save Sarah.
I just saved you two hours of pain.
Is this a movie about a mentally ill man who regresses into a comic book world when his wife leaves him? Is it a commentary on how ridiculous the concept of costume-clad vigilantes is? Is it an excuse to feature a 40-ish man having sex with a child-like girl? Is it an excuse to mock Christianity and Christian television and comic books?
A better question might be, what could have made this movie better?
A better ending for one thing. They made me sit through one and a half hours of highly offensive content, only to have the "hero" lose the girl in the end.
They could have let the sidekick live. Libby (Ellen Page) was clearly a disturbed kid herself. And even though the film takes great pains to point out she is 22, she still appears to be a child, and her complaining that she hasn't screwed anyone in some time, then forcing Frank to service her, was stomach churning.
Maybe "Super" was an attempt to sicken folks who normally like super hero films?
When you look at my synopsis, the movie has great premise. Scumbags being beaten by a crazy vigilante. Problem is, that's been done, and much better: "Punisher War Zone" (2008) is a movie about a mentally disturbed man who dons a costume and begins a serial-killing spree against criminals. I love that movie. It's great fun. "Super" on the other hand wants to punish me for liking the whole comic book premise. It shows me nothing but negativity.
I think the best part of "Super" was when Libby rams a bad guy with Frank's car, pinning him against a wall. It breaks the guy's legs, and almost disables Frank's car. Realism, with some gruesome, yet deserved violence. I liked it. Too bad that 4 minutes was smack in the middle of this hour-forty movie.
If you want a "realistic" super hero movie, see "Kick Ass" or maybe "Defendor". "Super" is more disturbing than it is entertaining.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
The Greatest Scifi Weapon of All Time
A while back, IO9.com had an article about the most awesome weapons of all time. They included things like Nova Bombs and the Deathstar. They based their choices on the sheer destructibility of the weapons.
That's lame.
As I have been gripped by the replica collecting bug, I have been giving serious thought to what makes a great Scifi weapon. For one, I need to be able to own one. I can't very well hang a Deathstar in my basement. A scale replica to be sure, but it's so tiny it kind of loses it's immense coolness.
Here then is the criteria that should be used in determing the Greatest Scifi Weapon of All Time, with scores ranging from 1 to 10
Lethality. Weapons are afterall for killing, or at least stopping their targets. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the equivament damage the average, untrained person could do with their bare hands and 10 being the complete disintegration of the intended target.
Ease of Use. A weapon isn't very cool if you can't use it. Does a weapon require special training or that you were born a _________ to use? On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 would be a weapon that you need only speak a command, or push a button to eliminate your opponent. 1 Would be a weapon that only that rare 5th -Element kind of person, or someone with years of training could use.
Ammunition. Let's face it, a weapon that uses ammunition is only effective for as long as that ammo holds out. On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 would be a weapon that has one shot, and is never replaceable. 10 would be a weapon that requires no ammunition at all, like something bladed.
Availability. Those rare, one of a kind weapons are cool on screen, but if you're a five year old kid and another kid has the same rare weapon, you aren't going to be happy. On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 point is awarded for a unique weapon that no one else can possess, that is hidden in an impenetrable fortress at an undisclosed location. 10 is a weapon that is readily available to the general populace.
Coolness. Cool and Great go together. You can be great at killing, but not cool. Why not have both? On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 point would be awarded for a weapon so dorky only the biggest of nerds would be caught dead with it. 10 points awarded for something that could make the biggest nerd be as cool as Han Solo (the Greatest Starship Captain of All Time)
Replica Accuracy. Remember, what makes a great scifi weapon is the fact that you can own one yourself- or a reasonable facsimile there of. On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 would be a replica about as detailed as the scribblings of a kindergartner. In crayon. 10 would be a replica so detailed and masterfully made, it looks better than the fictional thing.
Scale. When owning a replica, you want to be able to display it effectively. I can put that Deathstar on my christmas tree, but the lack of it's impossible-in-the-movie/that's-no-moon size lessens it's greatness. On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 point is awarded for weapons that have to be miniaturzed to the extent detail is impossible to see without a microscope. 10 points awarded for a 1;1 replica that fits easily in your hand- so you can take it places to show it off.
Replica Safety. Oh sure, you could hang a real, iron Mjolnir on your wall, but if it ever fell off, shit is going to be broken- and possibly toes. Similarly, razor sharp katanas may not be the best thing to hang on walls in earthquake country, either. On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 point is awarded for replicas so dangerous, just looking at them injures you, and 10 points are awarded for those replicas that are safe enough for babies to slobber all over.
Replica Price. Again, the award for Greatest Weapon is going to something I can actually posses. If it's so cheap, it's damn near free, I'm giving it 10 points. If I have to have the personal wealth of Bill Gates to afford one, it gets 1 point.
Replica Availability. Even if you have the funds, many replicas can be hard to find- even on the internet. On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 point is awarded for replicas that require the use of a Tradis to find, while replicas available in major retail outlets near you, as you read this, are awarded 10 points.
With all that being said, the maximum score for this review will be 100. For a weapon: capable of disintegrating it's target; that the average person could use without training or any special, inherent ability; that does not require ammunition; is readily available to the general public and does not require only the greatest of heroes to locate; is so cool Han Solo wishes he had one.
That has a replica that is spot-on accurate; will fit in your hand; is baby-safe; can be purchased with funds saved from skipping lunch; and is readily available right this moment with minimal shopping effort.
Which weapon will it be? (See Comments below)
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