Self-Publishing A to Z: COVERS

Welcome to the Trogloblog, where I ramble on about whatever strikes my fancy. For April, I'm participating in the epic A to Z Blogging Challenge, where Monday through Friday, I'll be posting a letter-themed article.

This year, I've chosen to focus on Self-Publishing. It's something I've been doing for about 4 years now, and despite my low midlist status, I have learned quite a few things. Instead of hosting seminars and charging admission, or selling a book on How to Self Publish, I'm going to share this knowledge with you, the reader, FOR FREE. That's right, April is All About Self-Publishing.

If you're not interested in learning how to self-publish, or if you just can't read enough, check out my fiction blog over at STONE SOLDIERS. For the third year, I'm going to be doing listings of people, places, and things from my Supernatural Military Thriller series. But this year, instead of looking back at what's been done, I'm going to look ahead, and offer a sneak peak at what's to come in 2016 and 2017. 

Now back to self-pubbing...

COVERS

One of the most ironic things in the self-publishers life is the fact that people do in fact judge a book by its cover--despite the old admonishment not to. It is a simple fact of human psychology that we judge things by how they look: people, products, places. If they aren't visually appealing, people will turn away. Your book or story, over which you sweated and fretted, is no exception. You need a good hook to bring them in...

First off, don't listen to the dishonest vanity sharks circling you in these literary waters. Predators are just waiting to sink their teeth into your hard-earned money and provide you services they'll swear you need to be successful. Bullshit. You wrote the book yourself. You can DIY a cover too. Just make sure you know what you're doing...

The first step to learning how to make a cover is study. Study what others have done, both successfully and unsuccessfully. In your genre and others. The best place to star for how not to do it is GOOD SHOW, SIR, a site featuring some of the worst coivers to cloud the internet with their awfulness. 

Once you have an idea of what not to do, think about what you want to convey. Yes, it's true that people go to college for advertising and design, but that doesn't mean you can't make a decent cover yourself... after you learn how to use a graphics program and understand what elements are key to your genre. 

Not interested in DIYing your cover? You're a writer not an artist? No problem. Don't reach for that checkbook or extra kidney yet. There are some pretty damned cheap places to search for your cover. My favorite is Fiverr. 

Now, the most important thing to remember about your cover is that you aren't married to it. Not even an Islamic marriage where you'd have to chant "I change you, I change you, I change you" to be free of that first wretched attempt. No, if you want to change your cover, you you just do it. Traditional publishing changes book covers all the time. There's nothing wrong with it. 

I find that the best course of action is to get a decent cover and put your book up for sale. Reinvest those first few sales into a better cover. To a point. Don't strive for a Mona Lisa on the front of your book. The best cover in the world won't guarantee sales...

Yes, that's right, despite all the bullshit the cover-makers loudly yell from the mountain, turning their noses up at us DIYers because we didn't pay them, the simple fact is that covers don't magically summon readers. No arcane symbol on your book's front is going to open a portal to millions. 

When you self-publish a book, your job is only half done. The second half is marketing your book. Covers are a tiny step in marketing. The best damned cover in the world is not going to make you a bestseller. Exposure is. And I'm not talking men's abs or women's knockers (unless you write smut novels, then it might). 

Readers have to know your book exists before they'll even look at your cover and decide to investigate further. So don't fret too much over design and don't sink too much money into that first impression. ADVERTISING is far more important...

Check back tomorrow for the next article on self-publishing: DIVERSE BOOKS. Until then, check the comments below for links to other A to Zers participating in the Blog Challenge 2016.

Self Publishing A to Z: BOXED SETS

Welcome to the Trogloblog, where I ramble on about whatever strikes my fancy. For April, I'm participating in the epic A to Z Blogging Challenge, where Monday through Friday, I'll be posting a letter-themed article.

This year, I've chosen to focus on Self-Publishing. It's something I've been doing for about 4 years now, and despite my low midlist status, I have learned quite a few things. Instead of hosting seminars and charging admission, or selling a book on How to Self Publish, I'm going to share this knowledge with you, the reader, FOR FREE. That's right, April is All About Self-Publishing.

If you're not interested in learning how to self-publish, or if you just can't read enough, check out my fiction blog over at STONE SOLDIERS. For the third year, I'm going to be doing listings of people, places, and things from my Supernatural Military Thriller series. But this year, instead of looking back at what's been done, I'm going to look ahead, and offer a sneak peak at what's to come in 2016 and 2017. 

Now back to self-pubbing...

BOXED SETS

When you hear, or read, the words "Boxed Set" what springs to mind? For me, it is Star Wars. I distinctly remember buying a set of all three Original trilogy movies, on VHS, that came in a cardboard box adorned with images from the films. This was my first "boxed set". So called because it comes in a box. 

Boxed sets have gone on to become a mainstay with movies. They can be particularly pricey, since you're getting so much content. But it is awfully convenient to get all that content in one package. 

Books are no different. Books come in boxed content. Fancy hardback editions in custom boxes. My daughter's first boxed set was in the American Girl series, and looked something like this:

Before boxed sets though, there were collections of books called Anthologies. Basically, a book with a lot of stories in it, all from the same author or from different authors. And then there's the omnibus, a book that's actually three or more books in one. My first Omnibus was a Doc Savage collection I bought back in the 1980s...

Today there is a trend that absolutely irritates the shit out of me in the independant author circles. Self publishers are bundling their e-books together, then using graphics programs to create an image of what the box might look like if these were print books. They then sell these as "Boxed Sets."

I complained about this recently in my irregular Thor's Day Rants: "The Box is as Lie". 

Why does it bother me? Because it's dishonest or stupid. Either these self-publishers are lying/trying to trick customers by creating the impression they have an actual boxed set, or they're too stupid to understand that boxed set literally means a set of things offered in a box. 

Don't get me wrong, bundling is a fantastic idea. Sometimes, readers want to buy a shit ton of reading material in one pop. For them, the collection/omnibus/anthology is a Godsend. Personally, I every three books in my Stone Soldiers series is compiled into an omnibus and released a month after the final third installment. I've also compiled some of my shorts together. None of them sell as well as the individual installments but I like to give customers a choice. 

If you're thinking about a compilation, think about price before you think about jumping on the idiot bandwagon and slinging cardboard descriptors about willy nilly. Readers will figure out what you're offering when you use the correct terminology: compilation, for example. What will really get their attention isn't some mock up of what a cardboard home for the print version of your work, but rather the price. 

Don't charge full price for all the installments you've bundled. There's no incentive there for the reader to buy them at once. Instead, give them one of three for free or something. Three books normally listed at $2.99 each seem a lot more buyable when the omnibus price is $5.99. 

Formatting might be problematic for longer works. Combining three of your 200,000 word epics in one file might make your laptop turn more sluggish than a snail in amber. You need to consider if it's really worth the effort. Will discounting your books produce results equal to the aggravation of a new version of your work? 

After all my griping about incorrect terminology, I have to say that I'm not that inclined to do many more Omnibuses. They don't seem to sell that many copies. That could be due to my small audience, or it could be that since we're talking e-books,  it doesn't matter if they're individual files or one huge one--they're all going on one electronic reader anyways. 

Check back Monday for the next article on self-publishing: COVERS. Until then, check the comments below for links to other A to Zers participating in the Blog Challenge 2016.

Self-Publishing, A to Z (AUDIO BOOKS)

Welcome to the Trogloblog, where I ramble on about whatever strikes my fancy. For April, I'm participating in the epic A to Z Blogging Challenge, where Monday through Friday, I'll be posting a new article following the letter of the day.

This year, I've chosen to focus on Self-Publishing. It's something I've been doing for about 4 years now, and despite my low midlist status, I have learned quite a few things. Instead of hosting seminars and charging admission, or selling a book on How to Self Publish, I'm going to share this knowledge with you, the reader, FOR FREE. That's right, April is All About Self-Publishing.

If you're not interested in learning how to self-publish, or if you just can't read enough, check out my fiction blog over at STONE SOLDIERS. For the third year, I'm going to be doing listings of people, places, and things from my Supernatural Military Thriller series. But this year, instead of looking back at what's been done, I'm going to look ahead, and offer a sneak peak at what's to come in 2016 and 2017. 

Now back to self-pubbing...

Rather than try and go in any particular order, let's stick to the A to Z theme. And write off the bat, when I think A, I think Audio books. 

AUDIO BOOKS

If you're reading this, I think that you're in a minority. I too prefer blogs, but it sure seems as though podcasting has exploded in the past couple of years. Everyone has a podcast and everyone seems to listen to them. Reading is down, listening is up. But that doesn't mean the book is dead. It lives on, in audio format.

Whether you prefer iTunes or Audible (a subsidiary of Amazon), audio offers a considerably smaller number of stories for you to enjoy. And unlike print, you can enjoy while driving, jogging, rowing, walking, or doing anything that would otherwise prevent you from holding a book or e-reader/tablet up to your face. That makes Audio the third possible format for aspiring authors to consider, after print and digital.

But how do you get to Audio? Writing a book is easy (it is, I swear). Vanity publishing made it easy to print your book, and Amazon made it easy to digitally distribute your book. But how do you move your written words into the ears of possible customers?

The Answer is ACX, an Amazon company that allows content creators to publish audio books for sale on the Audible and Amazon sites. 

What's that, you don't know the difference between kilohertz and cattle herds? You aren't entirely sure which jack the microphone plugs into on your computer? Not a problem. For authors, it's pretty easy: upload a finished product (that meets the criteria and format required) or pair up with a producer/narrator to turn your words into heards.

Don't reach for your checkbook just yet. While you do have the option to hire one of the many narrators ready to audition to read your work, ACX offers up something even better for the author on a budget--profit sharing. That's right, some narrators are willing to narrate your work for a 50-50 split of the profits for 7 years. That may sound like a lot, and a long time, but if the alternative is to keep storing all those vanity-printed deadtrees in your trunk, it is definitely something to think about. 

Many a reader/listener has professed a desire to hear the author read their own work. And unless you sound like Tinkerbell, it's entirely doable, without breaking your bank. That's right, self-pubbing your book in audio is not expensive or particularly difficult. You need a good microphone, somewhere to record in peace and quiet, and an editing program to fix it all up afterwards. And due to the recent surge in podcasting brings this all home for under $100.

Gaming headsets offer amazing sound quality and many will plug into the ports on a laptop or desktop PC. Opt for the wired ones, rather than the wireless to keep costs down. These devices come with op shields (the little foam thingey that reduces wind noise over the microphone boom). 

If you don't want to try that route, you can go for a podcasting microphone--many of which are under $50 on Amazon. 

Software? Yes, alas, you will need software. But fortunately, podcasting again comes to the rescue and the free program Audacity can be had for converting, merging, or editing your files--you can't leave in hiccups, phones ringing or the dog barking. 

What about those pesky background noises? Kids, neighbors, and even wives can ruin a perfect string of narration. You can again turn to the how-tos for podcasting and record in your car (while it's parked--safety first), or you can go cheap and clever. Get some moving blankets from the local hardware store, hang them from the ceiling and create your own little sound dampening recording studio in a corner of your basement or that closet filled with useless junk.

From here on, it just falls down to technique. Once more, podcasting saves the day. There are dozens of websites that tell you how to make your spoke word a reality, giving you tips, tricks, and technical advice. It's all adaptable to making an audio book, when coupled with ACX's detailed instructions on file uploading. 

So, dust off those short works you worked so hard on, grab a cool drink and a comfortable chair and start reading to your audience. The audio book market continues to grow everyday and listeners are hungry for content.

Check back tomorrow for the next article on self-publishing: BOXED SETS. Until then, check the comments below for links to other A to Zers participating in the Blog Challenge 2016.

The Great Mailing List Experiment

If you're an author--or even a small businessman--you probably know what a mailing list is. If you're a self-published author, you've probably been told, maybe a million times, that you need a mailing list. They are, after all, the secret to success. Everyone knows that.

Beginning today, I am going to conduct a little experiment regarding mailing lists. I am going to prove they in fact don't work and are a waste of time for just-starting-out authors. I mean, I've been doing this for four years. If I can't make them work, a newbie has no chance.

First up, some ground rules...

This is an experiment for ebooks. Nothing against print--dead trees are wonderful. But ebooks are the wave of the future and far easier to produce on one's own.

Secondly, this experiment is closed to smut. That is, romance novels. Folks who write romance are operating in a completely different ballpark. Quite frankly, all you need to do to sell romance is to self-publish it. There is such a huge demand for it, and the vast majority of ebooks sold are in the romance field.While there are marketing strategies for romance, they aren't as crucial as they are for non-romance. Plus, I don't write romance, so it would be presumptuous of me to apply these results to all genres. For the purposes of this experiment, we're going to focus on Speculative Fiction.

Finally, a disclaimer. Your mileage may vary. Even if by some insane twist of fate I'm proven wrong, and mailing lists do  work, don't assume they will for you. I'm not making any claim this will work for you. Actually, quite the opposite. I'm trying to prove mailing lists don't work. And that leads us into...

SELF PUBLISHING OBSTACLES

Writing isn't all that hard. There are rules, examples, and plenty of folks ready to tell you how to write. But once you have a masterpiece finished, you want to sell it. And that's where the problems bergin.

1. Distribution. In the old days, you'd vanity print hundreds of copies and sell thm from your trunk like a black marketeer. Today, Amazon, iTunes, Kobo and many more online sellers offer the way to distribute your written words to millions. Maybe.

2. Reaching Customers. Amazon has millions of books on their website for sale right now. They're broken into categories, sub-categories, and sub-sub-categories. But, customers aren't going to browse for hours and hours--they're going to buy what they find, that piques their interest, and start reading. You need a way to make sure your book is on of the first customers see, or find a way to let your niche audience know your book exists...

3. Marketing. This is where marketing comes into play. Rather than cross your fingers and stroke your lucky rabbit's foot in hopes your book is discovered like sunken treasure. Or... you can reach out to your target audience--the folks who would enjoy what you've written. Hopefully, you know who that is.

It's this third obstacles that is the big one. Tens of millions of Kindles have been sold, so it's not that much of a stretch to think you could sell a few thousand copies of your work. IF you can find your customers. And that's what brings us to mailing lists...

The general idea here, being so zealously preached, is that by painting blood on the floor in the shape of a book and burning Haagen Daaz ice cream--no wait... the idea is that you have people agree to receive emails from you, and then you send them emails, telling them about your new releases. Inspired by this information, they flock to Amazon, all buying your books on the day they're released. Their combined, simultaneous purchases then catapault your book from the lower end of the ranked sub-sub-category it's parked in, to the tippy-top of the overall Kindle rankings. Which means undecided folks who've never heard of you and are impatiently browsing for something to read, greedily One-Click you right into stardom. Once done with your book, these new converts to the heavenly prose you have published also sign up for your mailing list, and the cycle repeats with your next release and emailed fan notification.

At least, that's the theory.

There's a few logical problems with this way of thinking... First, how are people going to know your mailing list exists?

Well... those preaching from the Church of List claim that the Good Word of your list will draw folks in. Word of mouth. Oh, and free stuff. You see, you need to entice folks--who are probably reluctant to sign up for any more SPAM--by giving them things. Like free books.

Yes, you read right. To get people to buy your book, you need to create a mailing list, that you get people to sign up for by giving them a second, free book, so that when you write a third book, they'll possibly buy it.

Bookception.

NEXT TIME:  What it takes to actually make a mailing list. What you need, what it'll cost, and how much time it's going to take.

THOR'S DAY RANT: The Long Way Around

Archimedes said that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Well, duh. At least, you'd think duh. But apparently, some folks don't understand that. 

Now, obviously, sometimes the shortest distance isn't the best distance. I'll go an extra mile or three to take the expressway to a destination rather than travel surface streets clogged with traffic signals, pedestrians and idiot drivers. It's faster and less aggravating. 

When it comes to shipping goods, however, you'd think that sellers and shippers would adhere religiously to Archimedes simple line of reasoning. And you'd be wrong. 

I live in Southern Indiana. Right across the river from Louisville, KY, which has a major UPS hub. It takes me about twenty minutes to drive from my house to the airport. If there was no traffic and it was an Omega Man scenario, where I was the Last Man on Earth, I could make it in 10. Or 5--no speed limits!

Imagine my surprise a few years back when I discovered that goods being shipped to my from distant e-tailers were taking a rather circuitous route to my home. You see, instead of flying my packages from say, California to the Louisville Hub, then driving them across the mighty Ohio River to a distribution center and then on to my door, they were going a little out of the way. The packages made it to Louisville, all right, But then they were flown nearly a hundred miles north, to Indianapolis, then put on trucks and driven south to the local distribution center, put on trucks and thrown, er, delivered, to my doorstep. 

Say what?

I pointed this out to UPS in a friendly email. I was informed that they had determined it was more cost effective to deliver packages this way. I responded that a truck travelling from Indy to my town would need one-and-a-half hours, or more, travel time, while a truck driving from the airport in Louisville could do it in thirty minutes. Again, I was assured Brown had figured out the best route. 

What a load of brown.

Recently, I learned even my beloved Amazon suffers from the same map-challenged planning. We have a distribution center one town over. Prime actually gets delivered in two days from there. But not as easily as one might think. As I recently learned, a coat I ordered for my daughter traveled from Jeffersonville, Indiana to Hebron, Kentucky (near Cincinnati), again, almost a hundred miles away. To another Amazon facility. Next, the coat was tagged with a label for my house, which was ten minutes away from the Distribution center in Jeffersonville. The US Postal service delivered it to Louisville's main Postal hub--a journey taking a full day. Later that night, the package was smuggled across the Ohio (hopefully by truck and not airplane), ending up in my hometown's post office to be loaded and punted--uh, delivered-- to my doorstep by my friendly hit-and-run mailman (okay, maybe it isn't the same Postal employee who knocked my mailbox off the post and drove away last summer...). 

I find this particularly disturbing, given a lot of my "Prime" packages fail to reach me in two days, despite originating from an Amazon facility one town over. I emailed customer service, where Hadji, a.k.a. "Scott", typed back a profuse apology, offering me a $5 discount on my next order and extended my prime membership for one extra month. 

(FACE PALM)

Can you imagine the money Amazon is losing with these insane routes? I mean, what else are they doing? Shipping package meant for Los Angeles from Seattle to Honolulu, then to Santa Monica for final delivery?! What kind of battery pack will their drones need to deliver goods in a year or two--can drones even fly that far?!

Anyways, the next time your delivery from an e-tailer is running behind schedule, just remember that it is taking the long way round and seeing more of the world than you probably ever will. 

THOR'S DAY RANT: K.I.S.S.!

Back in the pre-Internet 1970s, when memes were spread by the Reader's Digest and Paul Harvey, we had this clever saying: Keep it Simple, Stupid. K-I-S-S. The urban myth was this was an unfailable mantra for engineers. Because the more complex a machine is, the more things can go wrong and it can break down.

I have always found that life is the perfect place to apply KISS. Take shoes. My wife has a closet full of shoes. I own about six pairs, ranging from sneakers to work boots, and including my beloved "Universal Shoes"--dressy 3/4 boots that could at a glance pass for work shoes. I can run in them, wear them with slacks, they keep my feet dry and warm, and if they get muddy are easy to clean off. They embody Keeping it Simple, because I don't have to decide what shoes to wear in the morning, I can just grab my dark brown universal boot-shoes and go. 

I also enjoy KISS when it comes to food. Meat and potatoes--'nuff said. I don't need a garden shredded and poured into a bowl. My steak doesn't need to be sprinkled with every spice known to man. Complicated is gross, as far as I'm concerned. Burgers have only one acceptable topping--cheese. Everything else drowns out the flavor of the beef. 

And for breakfast, I like bacon and eggs. Or maybe donuts... Donuts are these round things with a hole in the middle. They have a sugar glaze, or maybe chocolate, and sometimes sprinkles. A twisted piece of cinnamon-covered bread pretending to be a strand of DNA isn't a donut. A tube made of donut material covered in chocolate isn't a donut. No, none of the hundred-different offerings of bakers aren't donuts, they're pastries. As I said, donuts are round with a hole in the middle. Keep it simple.

In the past, when people didn't have a cow to butcher and eat, they scrounged for food. They rounded up a bit of carrot here, a slice of potato there, a handful of grass, maybe some leaves from their favorite shade tree... it all got shredded and mixed together and topped with a tiny sliver of fish. Because they didn't have anything. Trust me, those folks would have loved a huge steak, gleefully pushing the bowl of leftovers away. But today the more crap is on your plate, the fancier it is. Fancy sucks.

When McDonald's first opened, they had a menu of less than ten things. Ordering was easy. The chain grew to enormous size, conquering the world and becoming a staple in most nations. Today, they have dozens of items to chose from--and specialty, seasonal or test market items as well. Sales are lagging. Maybe they should have kept it simple?

Don't get me wrong, choice is great. I like to turn on the TV and flip through Netflix's options. I just wish there weren't hundreds of shows (that all seem the same), or that they could at least group them better in categories and sub-categories. It's like trying to pick one guppy at the petstore from a tank filled with hundreds. Choice has gotten out of control. 

How many remote controls do you own? Wouldn't one with maybe ten buttons be better? How many apps are on your smart phone? How many colors are at the paint store, forcing you to stand there deciding for hours on end? 

Video games are awesome. As are portable gaming systems, but give a kid a ball and take them outside on a nice sunny day, with a gentle breeze and shirt-sleeve temperatures and they'll have more fun than you could imagine. No worrying if the ball is charged, has a good wifi signal or if the cartridge is inserted properly. 

Vacations should be simple--they're when we momentarily escape the hectic struggle of everyday life. I'm sure Disney World is swell, with its smelly crowds, long lines, and product-placement rides, but a day at the beach is much better. With or without a picnic basket. 

Complexity has even swallowed politics. Anyone remember the "Affordable" Healthcare Act? Legislation so voluminous that many a politician admitted to not having even read it in it's entirety. Then there's the daily pork added onto proposed legislation--career politicians sneaking in funding or rules they want. C'mon guys--keep it simple. All legislation should read like the Bill of Rights, not like a medical journal. 

I dunno, maybe it's Baskin-Robbins' fault. Their 31 flavors may have started it all. 31 flavors... more like 31 choices but we know you're really only going to choose from 8... It sure seems like all I do now is have to spend time deciding--whether I'm shopping on Amazon.com or walking down the potato chip aisle at my local grocery store. It's all just too much. Do I need five flavors of Doritos or thirteen of Pringles? 

Simplicity rules. 

I pledge to keep simplicity in my life, from my meat and potatoes all the way to my internet presence. Cascading style sheets? Pfffft. HTML is simpler and easier to understand. 

Anything simple you miss or doggedly refuse to abandon? Tell me about it in the comments below...

THOR'S DAY RANT: The Box is a Lie

So, there's been this trend the past few years in the self-publishing circles that now seems to have become cannon. You know, like how we call all tissues Kleenex. I'm talking about "box sets".

What, praytell, am I talking about? I'm talking about ebooks being offered in bundles online. For example, let's say there's five e-novels in the Lacy Underwere, Monster Hunter Series. Rather than buy Book 1-5 individually to get your pantied paranormal prose on, you can buy all five books at once: as a "box set"--downloaded to your Kindle...

Okay, so I'm going to come off as a grammar nazi here, but if you aren't selling anything physical, it is NOT a box set. It's a compilation. Or an Omnibus. There is no box. Even if GLaDOS didn't write this one, THE BOX IS A LIE. 

I have wondered for over a year how this inaccurate description has become so widespread. Were the women writing all the femme fatale fiction not well-versed in reading? Had they never head of an Omnibus? Did they think "compilation" was a fancy word for mix-tape? Or were these scheming scribblers out to hornswaggle their customers, categorizing their readers as unable to comprehend the correct term for such a package deal?

In any event, it drives me bonkers every time I read authors bragging about their new "box set". I remember when Star Wars came out on VHS in a box set. Or Indiana Jones. THOSE were box sets. I don't think I've ever purchased books on a boxed set. Generally, books come out with huge gaps of time between them. I mean, who on earth is going to risk all that money on a whole set of books they've never read before. And if you have read them, why do you need a non-existent Box to virtually hold them? With movies, at least there's new versions, like classic Han-shot-first, or maybe re-master animorphic surround sound. 

Pffooey. "Box set" is just another deceitful marketing term, like "less filling" or "kid approved". My fellow authors, I implore you to stick to tradition and call those collections Omnibuses! 

Thor's Day Rant: Books are for Chicks!

If self-publishing has taught me anything over the past four years it's this: books are for chicks. 

Yes, this is a sour grapes post. But hey, grapes are nature's candy... 

Back in the 1980s, I was an avid reader of men's fiction. Lots of dudes were. Series like "The Destroyer" and "Mack Bolan" were always in fresh supply at the book store--until they sold out. Tarzan, Conan, and a host of other manly he-man adventures kicked ass on the printed page and saved damsels in distress. Communism was a four-letter word and the only people allowed to be feminine were chicks. 

Books weren't our only entertainment. We had video games. 8-bit wonders that required your imagination to smooth out blocky pixels to get the same experience books and comic books provided. Movies produced by companies like Golan Globus were full of manly action, with the likes of Schwarzenegger, Stallone, and of course, Chuck Norris. Hell, even our President kicked ass--Ronald Reagan, who got shot, but survived. Ah, good times, good times. 

Fast forward three decades. A pencil-necked geek who rides girls bicycles and winces every time he says "gun" is in the White House. Downloadable mods for video games allow prepubescent boys and basement dwellers to see virtual nude women who damn near look real. Of our five hundred-plus channels of Cable/Satellite/Internet TV, two thirds are sports. Netflix, Hulu, Xbox and so many more on-demand sources spew out continuous streams of movies. And then there's the porn. The free, on-demand, never-ending supply of porn. 

No wonder men don't read anymore. 

Even if they did, we've produced a culture of namby-pamby, pantywaisted, she-male, body spray-wearing "hipsters" who would have been stuffed in their lockers or worse in my day. Most women, even the scrawny ones, act more manly. It's an emasculated society of wussies that give guys like Adam Carolla and Ted Nugent fits. If any of these modern "guys" could peel themselves away from their X-boxes and pornhubs, they'd probably be reading Jane Austen, 50 Shades of Gray, or the latest issue of Cosmopolitan. 

What does this mean for the aspiring author?

Well, men make up slightly less than half of our society. There are women. They read. A lot. Alas, they read literary porn--smut books euphemistically called "romances". Or as my grandad called them back in the day, "crotch novels". Lots of crotch novels sell. Many a woman, or mansies posing as women, have made their fortune selling smut. 

If you are a man of my generation, you may be taking offense. Well, suck it. You're part of the problem too, clinging to your rotting, yellowed pages of dead trees, stubbornly refusing to embrace modern technology. "I like the feel of a real book" you whine like bitches. You like the "real thing"? That doesn't stop you from watching porn or eating low fat this or low calorie that. When I was a kid everyone wondered where their Dick Tracy wristwatch communicators were. The future so many bleated for is here, and your clinging to your protective polybags like the Amish to peanut brittle. Luddites. Buy a damned ebook reader already. You've got 82 inch big screen TVs and surround sound--a far cry from the cathode ray tube black and white 13" sets most of us grew up watching in our rooms. Why won't you read ebooks? You can still collect your dead trees, putting them in their book shelf shrines, and carrying their digital editions around with you everywhere. 

I'm straying off topic...

The point of all this is, yes, you can write and self-publish books for male audience, but they aren't going to find many readers. My own series of modern men's adventure seems to have more female readers than male... not that surprising when you consider the hit TV show "Supernatural" also has a predominantly female audience--something like 80%, if I remember correctly. Not all women read smut. 

Success as an author these days seems to come down to if/thens. If you're backed by a Big 5 publisher, you get prime shelf space in book stores. People see, they buy. If you're an indie, you've got to be writing in the correct genre to make lots of sales. If you're a male, forget selling much, because modern chicks are sick of white male authors dominating the industry and will boycott your work with feminist fervor. 

Self-publishing is a glorious thing, especially for readers. In years past, consumers were forced to read what the literary agents and publishers "liked". Variety just wasn't there. In today's market, just about any kind of story you can imagine is out there. True, you might be one of five people reading it, but it's there. This is crucial for indies just starting out. Not because you should chase a genre, but because you should have realistic expectations about what you're going to sale. 

Of course, since men don't read, only aspiring chick authors will have read this, and I doubt many will have made it to the end. Ah, well, if you have, good luck with your chosen genre--you may well need it.



(Disclaimer: Soldiers in the field read paperbacks... they don't require batteries, are far more durable and can provide material for a variety of other uses. Reading paperbacks if you're a service member is pragmatism, not a rejection of technology. Thank you for your service!)

Felicia Day can Write!

Once upon a time, a brilliant redhead broke through the stereotypical barriers of the entertainment industry and became a living legend, both on and off the internet. Embraced by geekdom far and wide, she became a pop icon, adored by millions. Now she's written a book about this amazing journey and it's fantastic. At least my kid tells me it is...

I'm going to do something really, really weird here--I'm going to review a book I haven't read. See, I don't feel like I need to review it, because my daughter read it and won't stop talking about it. And that's a great, and curious thing. 

I'm a nerd. And was once upon a pre-parent time, an avid reader. I rarely read anymore, what with my own writing, Netflix and X-box sucking up what little time I don't spend with my kids. I was crushed when my eldest daughter didn't turn out to be a reader. She is full-on nerd, and does so much else with me. But she just doesn't enjoy immersing herself in a book--not Douglas Adams', nor even her dear old dad's. With one exception: THIS BOOK. 

My teen read Ms. Day's book in a week. Impressive. She dedicated her school project for Advanced English to it. She did a slide show presentation about it. She regaled me with Felicia Day stories all day long, every day, to the point I had to find podcast appearances by Ms. Day so I could fire back with something original. 

As a parent, I can't think you enough Ms. Day. You really captured my kid's attention. Hopefully, she'll embrace books like her younger sister, and I can get her to try Piers Anthony's Xanth series, or maybe Tolkien, or even Roger Zelazny. In my wildest dreams, she'll scoop up the classic pulps by the likes of ERB, Howard, and even Dent. Or she'll stick with nonfiction. Maybe I can get her to check out "If Chins Could Kill" or Ted Nugent's interesting books. 

In any event, job well done. I've added your book to my own reading list, but short of a lottery win and life of luxury, I probably won't get around to it until about 2020. I look forward to it though!

SELF PUBLISHING 101: Where to Start

So you've finally finished that short story, novella or novel you've been working on and you want to get your work out there for all, or some, to see. Where do you go?

In the old days, you could mail a hard copy to an agent or Publisher and wait around for months to see if anyone bothered to read it or it was banished to a slushpile before its ultimate demise in the local landfill. Assuming your work was read, and green-lit for publication, you might get an advance then get to sit back and wait a year to see it appear on a book shelf in a store.

Your alternative to this lengthy process was to sell a kidney and pay an exorbitant amount of money to a vanity publisher who would run off a few dozen copies of your books and mail them to your doorstep. From there, you'd begin a campaign of begging at local bookstores, gifting to friends and family, and selling your prose from the trunk of your car like a drug dealer. Eventually, all those leftover prints would languish in your garage, feeding countless generations of insects and mold spores.

Thankfully, those days are over.

Today, we have Self-publishing, where we, the Authors, get to decide when people see our work. Better yet, as Internet Entrepreneurs, we control everything. Cover, content and marketing. For many aspiring writers, this may sound daunting, but it's really not. Self-publishing is actually very easy to do.

First off, ignore the naysayers. Traditional publishers and authors will often look down their noses at us Indie, self-publishers. They don't want us playing in their market, taking money they could have gotten. Friends and family might roll their eyes, scoffing at your idea to publish or telling you there's no money in writing. Forget all that crap. If you want to publish, you can. YOU are all that stands in the way.

WHERE DO I START?

That's a question I hear a lot. Heck, I even sat on a panel yesterday at Imaginarium, a Louisville, KY writer's conference. "Self-Publishing for Dummies" was an enlightening time for me. I was shocked to see so many folks wanting to publish but not knowing how to do it.

So, where do you start? The absolute best resource on the internet (which I assume you use, since you're reading this blog) is Kboards.com, and specifically, the sub-forum Writer's Cafe. This amazing online community of authors, readers, editors, proofers, cover designers, artists and more have a collective knowledge base that CANNOT be beaten. Ask ANYTHING and you'll get several answers. Please not, have a thick skin, though--some answers can be rough. Like any online community, there are trolls. DON'T FEED THE TROLLS. Read up and learn. You'll be amazed what you can find out, FOR FREE.

You can also listen to podcasts. RockingSelfPublishing.com is a great weekly show from the UK's Simon Whistler. He interviews those who have succeeded at self-publishing. Simon has a very liberal definition of "succeeded", with guests who are just starting out all the way to those making professional sums of money.

Joanna Penn hosts the weekly "The Creative Penn" podcast, another great interview podcast. Joanna really focuses on the behind-the-scenes of self-publishing and is a huge proponent of looking at your writing as a business.

Finally, check out your library. If there isn't a writers group, ask them to start one. Odds are, there are at least a half-dozen other aspiring authors in your community.

WHAT DOES IT COST TO SELF-PUBLISH?

NOTHING. Not a damned thing. Many will tell you that writing is a business and requires investment, blah, blah, blabbity blah. Bullshit. Got a computer, or access to one? A completed story? Internet access? Bam. That's all you need. Yes, spending money will make a better product, thereby increasing your sales, but you don't need money to get started. You can self-publish for nothing, and even earn a few bucks, that you then reinvest to improve your product.

FORGET ABOUT THE MONEY

Writing is not the lottery... well, it is, kind of. But don't think of it that way. There are tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of us self-publishing. The odds of being that one needle in the ebook haystack that scores it big and sells enough money to buy a new house are slim. Don't chase that pony. Write because you want to write. Because you enjoy it. If you get all desperate to make a buck or ten, you will suck the joy out of this possible profession. Instead, think of writing, and self-publishing as a part-time job. When you get better, you might be able to go full time. You might make enough to quit your day job. Or to buy a speedboat and vacation in Monaco. Or you might be like most authors and just have enough to pay the bills and enjoy yourself. As long as writing and self-publishing doesn't cost you anything, or stress you out, it's a win.

A lot of authors, and cover designers, and editors will tell you that you have to invest in your book. That you don't want to put crap out, that it makes us all look bad, etc. etc. I say bullshit. Life insurance salesmen tell you that you need a policy not because they actually care about you, but because it's their job to sell them. Don't listen to an editor or a cover designer who says you need to pay for their services. You might, but don't let them pressure you into buying something you don't want. Or worse, convincing you to wait to self-publish because you can't afford a cover or an editor...

EDIT ON THE CHEAP

That doesn't mean having grandma read it with her trusty red pen in hand. It means go online and find some beta readers. Or join a website like Wattpad, where you can post snippets or whole novels and get feedback. Some online writers groups will have authors who'll edit, quid-prose-quo: you read theirs, they read yours.

You don't need a college degree to write a novel. Sure, it might help, but if you can tell a story, you can learn the mechanics of writing, for free, by talking to others or reading how. NEVER PAY for this information. The people who charge you for it are out to make a buck. Plenty of folks will share information for free.

Once you think you've got some good edits, start bargain shopping. FIVERR.COM is a great website that offers every imaginable service for $5.00. That includes covers, blurbs and more.

COVERS

Keep it Simple, Stupid. That's an engineers expression, but it also works for covers. If you've ever been to a library, you've doubtless seen hardback books. Not all have fabulous artwork. Some have NO artwork. The only really important rules about cover design are:

1. Don't have bad art. Moldy bread isn't appetizing, and neither is bad art. Self-publishing is great, self-publishing something people buy is better. No art is better than bad art. Get opinions for free online before you put that art up.

2. Your cover must be readable. If a reader can't read the title of your book, you might as well have a blurry image or no image.

3. You don't marry your cover, nor is it written in stone. That first cover may be all you can afford, it may not generate many sales, but it's a cover. You can always go back and replace it later. Remember, REINVEST in your work. Start with a simple cover with a single symbol, title and your name. Fiverr.com can give you that. Later, spring for some stock art at places like Fotalia or Shutterstock. Learn to do the art yourself with free programs like GIMP, or (re)invest in some cheap software online, like Corel Paintshop Pro on Amazon--it's less than $50 if you get an older version (just make sure it's compatible with your computer's version of Windows or Mac).

4. Keep it simple. (I know, I'm repeating).

5. Make it relate. Don't false advertise. Make sure you cover has SOMETHING to do with your book contents. If Harry Potter had a magic wand on the cover, it would work. If it had a mechanic's wrench... well, that would be misleading.

GET A PROOF READER

Proofreading is vital because our brains want to see our work the way we want it. We will often gloss over mistakes we've made, oblivious to them. Printing your work and reading it helps. So does reading it aloud, but there's still going to be something to slip through. Even if you paid an editor, something might slip through. Get a Proofer, or a Beta Reader. People will do that for free sometimes, or, again, you can swap proofing with another author-to-be.

REVISE AND RE-PUBLISH

Always improve your work, polishing that turd to shiny perfection. At least for a while. Don't put off your next work to perfect your self-published work, but there's no reason why you can't go back and fix typos, or plot points readers griped about, or put a better cover up. Hell, you can even change the title if you want! It's YOUR book!

GO KINDLE

More than 70% of ebooks are bought on Kindle. Don't sweat iTunes, Kobo, etc. etc. when you're first starting out (and avoid Google, their interface sucks). Kindle has easy, simple instructions online. If you can use a word processor program and pay bills online, you can get your manuscript read and uploaded. It's not that hard. If you can't, shop around for someone who will format it. Maybe even on Fiverr.com, or on KBoards.

What? You want print editions? It'd be cheaper to buy some scrap wood to shove under the leg of that wobbly table. Don't kill yourself trying to put together a print edition until you're ready. It is a lot more complicated. Not impossible-complicated, but significantly harder. Createspace.com (yet another Amazon subsidiary) offers a fairly easy system for making print copies. But before you do that, make sure the eversion will sell. Make sure you have a winning, or at least selling cover. Print copies are an investment of money you could spend on better cover art or editing. Invest those royalties easily.


REMEMBER YOUR MILEAGE MAY VARY

Just because Hugh Howey has sold a bazillion copies of Wool, or the guy working the drive thru at McDonalds sold one whole ebook in five years doesn't mean that is your fate. Genre, target audience, and product quality are just some of the factors that make books sell. LUCK is the greatest. Your book is one of millions out there. Even if you win the lottery and produce a Superbowl Half Time ad, what you write may only sell to a few folks. That's perfectly okay. Keep writing. Keep self-publishing. You can do it.

In Memory of Warren Murphy

WARREN MURPHY

(September 13, 1933-September 4, 2015)

It is with great sorrow that I mourn the passing of one of my literary heroes, Warren Murphy. Best known for his co-creation of the incredible "The Destroyer" series, Mr. Murphy has joined his former writing partner, the late Richard Sapir, in that mystery that lies beyond this mortal coil.

A New York Times best selling author, chess grandmaster, and father of many, Mr. Murphy and his co-creation were my inspiration to start writing decades ago. I was fortunate enough to attend a fan birthday celebration in 2014, finally meeting Mr. Murphy in person. 

Like the heroes he wrote about, Warren Murphy was a larger than life character. A friendly man who seemed humble about his accomplishments but who made time for his fans all the same. He leaves behind sons and daughters, some of whom I was fortunate enough to meet. Judging by those children, and by his writing offline as well as between the covers, I have no doubt that Mr. Murphy was a kindred spirit and one our modern world, so in need of role models and heroes, will surely be the worse for without.

I salute Mr. Murphy for his accomplishments and character and am glad to have had the opportunity to have met him. My deepest sympathies and strongest prayers go to those he has left behind, and I look forward to meeting him once more when I too make that eventual trip to Heaven.

God bless, Warren Murphy and his family and friends, and may we all learn to be a little better by following his example. 

Don't Bring a Novel to a Comic Book Convention...

(Every Sunday is Self-Publishing Sunday, where we discuss tips, tricks and failures learned from self-publishing since 2012)

After all is said and done, you've written and self-published your novel, you need to sell it. At least, I assume you do. Some folks self-publish simply so they can say they have. Not I. I self-publish to create a product I can sell for money. Or barter. I'd consider bartering.

It's often not enough to simply self-publish your novel and have it for sale on Amazon, or iTunes, or Nook, or wherever. You're one of millions of novels. A small grain in a sea of endless sand. And, as the days pass after publishing, you get washed out, further and further from the New Release shore. Will readers wade in to find you, or will they stay high and dry on shore happily sifting their eyes through the dry, beachfront literary sand?

Comic book and scifi conventions might seem like a tempting venue to hawk your wares. They are more then plentiful these days. But before you dash off to Createspace and make that print edition, step back and look at things objectively. Don't act in desperation.

First, as with any product, determine who your buyers are. You aren't panhandling. Or at least, you shouldn't be. Waving a cup at passerby hoping they'll buy your book is foolish at best. You need to plan on selling. Kids don't erect Lemonade stands in the dead of winter for a reason. 

Knowing your audience/target demographic is key to not wasting your time. And, if you're like me, time is precious. Sitting in a booth all day, not selling anything is a crime against your craft. Far better to sit at home, actually writing all day, than frittering away your weekend--and spending money you won't recoup.

"But I meet all kinds of cool people at cons!" you might protest. That is true. But you could meet those same people merely by attending. Which is far cheaper, takes less time, and is more interesting than sitting in a booth. 

But I'm getting ahead of myself. 

Once you've determined who your novel will sell to, determine where they might be. And where they won't be.

Got a kid's book about Giraffes who can't scratch their nose and need a friend with stubby arms? Odds are you won't find many kids at the latest Horror Convention in town. Yes, some zombie cosplaying parents might be there, but they might want to bring up little Johnny in the same gothic lifestyle they embrace. Itchy Giraffe may not sell. 

From personal experience, I will tell you that people at comic book conventions aren't looking for novels to buy. Unless maybe they're super hero novels. No, comic book conventions are places people go to buy comic book-related items. Like comic books. T-shirts with favorite characters. 

I know, I know. There's a whole cottage industry of crap at every convention. Candles. Soaps. Mugs. But those are RELATED to the focus of the convention. Would I buy a Human Torch candle? Maybe. Would I buy a Punisher coffee mug? Absolutely. But would I buy a novel about two star-crossed lovers embracing passionately on the cover as a field of grain sways behind them. Hell no. I want ass KICKING, not kissing.

What's that? You do sell at comic conventions? Bored wives dragged along by their geek spouses snatch up your literary porn on a regular basis? Little Joannie loves your latest "Rainbow Ponies on Parade" picture book? Well that's just swell. I'm sure all five copies will net you sufficient profit to stop at McDonald's on the way home. And now you have five potential future readers, that might buy the next six books in your series, once you finish writing them a decade from now. Well done. 

However, let's recap your costs to get those possible future sales. Your booth probably ran you anywhere from $100.00 to $300.00 depending on the size of the show. You sat in it for one to three days, instead of writing "Diverse Donkeys in Delaware", the spinoff you've been thinking about starting. Not being at home, you couldn't run to the fridge for meals or call for delivery. And you didn't pack a cooler of food. So now you meals--unless you skipped them, sacrificing for your art--go on the ledger too. And don't forget travel time. Gas. Print costs--you know, those little bookmarks you had made, or spent two weeks laboriously cobbling together at home instead of you know, writing. 

All in all, by the end of the day, that Happy Meal you treated yourself to on the victorious drive home ended up costing you several hundred dollars--if you're lucky. You'd have been better off digging in the couch cushions for change or begging in a street corner. Bum cosplay has been around for decades, you know.

So, keep the kids books at home. And the epic Scifi. And the Murder mysteries and self-helps and thrillers... you get it. Comic book shows aren't the place to sell novels. Nor are Scifi Conventions--even if you have a scifi novel. 

People at conventions aren't looking for new properties. And they aren't going to stand there and read your book for several minutes to see if it's any good. That's the disadvantage we novelists have. People really can't judge our books by the covers. Any other product they can pick up and decide if it looks good in seconds. Particularly comic books that are filled with art. Or mugs. Or jewelry. Heck, they can even sniff the air of defeat and longing in those Bring Back Firefly candles. Novels are just page after page of letters. 

If you want to sell your novels, go where people are looking for novels. Like Book fairs. Or book conventions. Not farmer's markets. Not conventions for Cosplayers. You can still go to conventions. Jingle with fellow authors and fans, promote your work with logowear or a pocketful of business cards. But please, stop spending time and money on booths. It just doesn't pay off. 

Oh, and for the love of God, STOP TRYING TO SELL OTHER AUTHORS YOUR WORKS! Nothing is more defeating than to be pitching your novel to someone to interrupt you and begin talking about their novel. See, they got bored sitting in their booth, not selling anything, so they took a walk to stretch their legs. I know, I said I'd consider bartering, but I meant for good stuff, like collectibles, or chocolate. Not books. I have plenty of books. Stacks of books.

Want to buy one?

STRIKE THREE LAPTOPS, AND YOU'RE OUT

Well, this is depressing...

I've been making my daughter stick with a schedule for podcasting lately... after she convinced me to start a podcast, she saw how hard it was and seemed to lose interest. It's been a struggle the past ten weeks to keep her motivated.

Ten weeks? Yep, ten. We only have seven episodes up though. We've missed three recording sessions now. One because we had to completely re-record. One due to technical difficulties in editing a session, and now, one because our computers crapped out. Yes, computers--plural. 

Being the packrats we are, the Martins have a collection of computers on hand. One desktop in need of a new HDD, one desktop that's about ten years old, running XP, my formerly-trusty Toshiba Satellite laptop running Vista, and the kids each got a brand new Toshiba laptop last summer when I retired from my last job. 

The working desktop isn't so good for recording... it freezes up repeatedly and has very little disk space left. 

The kids' laptops run that idiotic Windows 8 Tablet-wannabe OS, and have a single port for microphone and headphones, like a smart phone. So, we've been recording onto my trusty Satellite, which is about 5 years old. A great, albeit heavy, laptop that I do all my book covers on, format my novels for print editions and of course edit the podcast.

Well, it's time to bury the old Satellite. It's gone the way of the Amiga (although I have two working Amigas boxed up in the basement...). I believe it's a motherboard issue, meaning it's far beyond my paltry repair skills. Add in the kids repeatedly defy my prohibition on "free" gaming sites, clogging their laptops with adware and spam, and there was nary a laptop to be used last night. 

So no episode of Weirdology this week. 

This is doubly-depressing in it was our last episode before I started recording interviews with authors I've met online over the past three years of my own self-publishing endeavors. I was rather looking forward to that. 

Throw in the start of a new school year, a dog with ongoing, expensive medical problems and needing to set the wife up a home office for her work-at-home sessions from her job, and a new laptop gets bumped pretty far down on the old family budget. If only Kindle hadn't hamstrung my book sales with their Unlimited program. Not that I blame readers, I'd choose free over cheap too. 

Time to drown my sorrows in some Xboxxing...  

Weirdology 101, Episode 8

It's time to record another Weirdology101 episode... This week: "By the Numbers", where we'll talk about numbers and how they're all around us, inspiring fiction, folklore and superstitions.

Got a favorite number, number trivia, story or just interesting bit of numerical insight? Give us a comment below.

Podcasting Update: What we've learned so far...

So the eldest daughter really wanted to podcast--she was enjoying a lot of shows on Youtube. Alas, none of her buddies would help.

Meanwhile, dad was balking at the prices for advertising books on podcasts... A perfect podcasting storm.

Almost two months later and we're slowly putting out Weirdology101, our introduction to the strange and mysterious, the supernatural and the paranormal--with the occasional help of my nine year old daughter.

What have we learned in two months?

1. If you record, they will not necessarily come. Your 'cast of dreams is not enough to lure in listeners. Just like with self-publishing, you're one of thousands of free content producers out there. You've got to reach potential listeners. There are a number of sites you can send the equivalent of a pres release to, but even then, there's no guarantee of listeners.

We're going to try guests next. Guests not only provide fascinating, new content, they bring with them listeners. Listeners who will hopefully try other episodes and learn about other guests. It's like hosting a convention.

2. You need a plan. Yes, I could turn my teen loose and let her ramble on incoherently for hours, then break those up into episodes, but it would get pretty dull, fast. I've been listening to a lot of 'casts this year, having never really bothered with them before. The best shows follow a format and have segments. They don't just drone on and on. Just like good writing, you need an outline of what you're going to cover. Print it out and pass it out like a script--it alleviates lots of "uh"s and uncomfortable pauses.

3. You need to be able to hear. I'm amazed by all the 'casts that sound hollow and crappy. Adam Carolla's network of shows generally sound perfect, with studio-quality sound. Then there are independent shows like ours that sound boxy and hollow, like they were recorded in a garbage can with a first-gen smartphone. If you want people to keep reading, you write a good story. If you want people to keep listening, you need to record a better show--and quality of sound is a must. Eliminate echo, hums, background noises and the like, and make sure the volume is high enough to actually hear. Oh, and keep the volume level throughout. No high peaks or low dips. If I crank the volume all the way to hear a quiet person, I'll get a burst ear drum when someone else decides to scream into the microphone.

4. You don't need expensive equipment. I see a lot of articles online about the minimum equipment you need to record. I have to say, I don't think it's all correct. For Weirdology,  we use two Turtle Beach gaming headsets. I mean, they sound great when you're blasting Nazi Zombies in Call of Duty on Xbox Live with your friends, so why wouldn't they work for podcasting? They have a built in pop screen--a small windsock of foam, the boom is adjustable, and they fit snugly over your ears, controlling what you hear.

Next, you need a mixer. Not a DJ BigBucks Superboard, capable of accepting a bazillion different inputs. We got a simple 3 channel mixer on Amazon for under $30. Yes, it's pretty cheesy, but it works. It blends our gaming headsets and an external tablet with sound effects just fine. The output goes right into:

A recording device. Everyone shills Audacity, and I'm sure it's fine, but I've used Goldwave for almost 20 years. I bought the full version, loaded it on a laptop and then sent the output from the mixer right in. I can adjust volume, level out the recording, reduce noise... it does it all. Yes, we may sound a little soft, and recently I had the record volume WAY too high, forcing us to redo an episode, but it's really simple. And, with an editing program, we can chop out when we get tongue tied, wee say "um" too many times or we just don't like a comment or segment we recorded. It's not live, it's recorded, and we take full advantage of that fact.

Studio? We don't need no stinkin' studio. Simon Whistler, over at The Rocking Self Publishing Podcast has a nifty home closet-studio. with blankets hung for noise canceling. We record in the basement. At a desk. The only extraneous sounds we pick up are the occasional barks from the dog, or my wife walking through the living room above us. Again, I think those gaming headsets are totally the way to go...

5. Finally, regularity. It's not just for the bathroom. I've watched our paltry numbers, and both times we've missed putting out a new episode, it's hurt us. People expect regular content. If they don't get it, they might wander to another source and never come back. Keep it regular.


And that's pretty much what we've learned so far. As I force my daughter to finish what she started, making her commit to 6 months of episodes, we'll see what else we learn in this little fun, family experiment. Got any tips or lessons-learned you want to share? Put them in the comments below--we appreciate the knowledge.

PODCASTING!

Of all the many methods of marketing my writing, one I haven't tried is podcasting... Until now.

Now, I've been on podcasts, chatting with some nice folks. But I've heard a lot of people remark that hosting a podcast was a way to get yourself out there. Normally, I'm contented to stay in--it's my books I want out there, not me. But after advertising around the internet, it dawned on me that if I hosted a podcast, I could give myself free advertising. Of course, I'd need to create a podcast people would listen to...

Enter my eldest daughter. At 15, Sam is a typical fangirl, interested in all things internetty. And she wanted to have her own podcast with her friends. When she couldn't recruit any to do that, it got me thinking...

Fast forward several months and this where we're at. A Father-daughter podcast: WEIRDOLOGY101.

Unlike a lot of authors, I won't be babbling on about my books, or writing, etc. etc.. Instead, I'm going back to the beginning: The weird.

There are so many websites today devoted to the strange and unusual. Fervant believers and skeptics verbally duke it out as they debate bigfoot, UFOS, ghosts and many more unusual, unproven subjects.  That's all fine and dandy if you're really into that stuff, but what about the casual reader? What about the person who watches an episode of Supernatural and wonders if the writers created the Wendigo, or if maybe there's some mythology involved.

That's where Sam and I come in. Every week, we're hoping to educate the average listener on the weird. We'll discuss a variety of subjects, maybe interview some folks, give brief news blurbs, and offer up our picks for the Fringe Fiction of the week.

In the meantime, the writing continues, and sponsors this little endeavor. Maybe folks will want to embark on a fictional journey on their ereaders, led by yours truly, or maybe they'll just be content listening to some free content on that daily commute. In either case, this is shaping up to be an interesting adventure and a fun, family project.

Check us out, won't you? Weirdology 101 launches Monday, May 18th, with Episode 1: Paranormal vs Supernatural.

A Social Media Experiment

If you have luck like me, you've had to call in to a corporate "support" division and complain. You know, broken product, interrupted service, etc. etc.

In my many years, I have found that not only does this also lead to dangerous blood pressure levels, it seldom accomplishes anything. And if you weren't convinced the corporations don't give a shit, the fact many of them (AT&T, for example) have installed robot services. Apparently, it's become tooexpensive to emply semi-fluent Hindus to robotically answer complaint calls.

So here's my new experiment after blowing a half hour of my time. I'm going to prove social media shaming works for customer support. I mean, I know it works. I've used Facebook pages many times to get somewhere with uncaring corps.

See, when I call in and try and explain my plight to an uncaring Ghanesh worshipper, I get the run aroudn and no one but me and my cardiologist knows it. But when I owl at the moon online, say, Facebook, everyone knows it. And we can't have that. Oh, no, they have people who respond to these kind of public-image-damagign complaints. Often immediately.

I just need to convince the rest of my fellow interneters that THIS is the way to get customer support. Complain online and make a human take action. being put on idenfinite hold or talking to a robot service that mistakes the sound of creaking wood in the background as your answer just won't do.

Here's how the experiment will work.

Step 1, I post a pissed off comment on AT&T's Facebook page.

Seeing as how the people you talk to in person with Uverse are little asholes, and then when you call in, you get robotic, English-as-second-language liars, I'll try raising as much hell as possible here, until AT&T satisfactorily resolves my issue. What is my issue you ask? Well, at about 1:55 PM Eatserntoday, I noticed my Uverse service was out. I noticed this as I was trying to use the internet as I worked on my latest novel. It worked at about 1PM. Lo and behold, turns out that a Uverse installation tech, four foot tall, mustachioed "Justin" was next door installing new service. I walked over and interrupted his chit chat with the resident and informed him he killed my service. Oh, no, not he. Wise Napolean Bonaprick advised all he did was disconnect one wire, then reconnect a wire to give her service. (Her being my new neighbor he was tryign to flirt with). I told Justin that no, my service was down, wasn't down a half hour before, and he needed to walk over and fix it. Oh, no, he can't do that--not without a service ticket. I triedto see hisnametage but it had no name on it and Justin, if that's his real name gave me his name. Then as I told him I'd just call in, he short-manned and rattled off some number. Oh, he's so clever. 

AT&T, I want "JUSTIN" reprimanded. I dont' pay your ridiculously high prices so some little punk with an attitude, hopped up on viagra and hoping to renact the cable guy porno movie he watched last night can be a smart ass to try and impress some woman. I expect a "Sorry, about that. I'll check it out in just a few minutes, sir." 

I also don't expect tocall in to your robo call center, fight my way through to Ghanesh, then get "we'll write you up a ticket for that." 

Nor do I expect to be told that I can talk to a supervisor than get "forgotten" hold. 

I expect an apology. I expect a reprimand for "Justin". And I expect a free moivie or somethign for the hour I've wasted on this and the near-heart atack it's given me as my blood boils to Ultimate Fighting levels. 


You can expect to keep hearing from me until this is resolved. And your competitiors might expect a call a for new service.

Step 2, I await a satisfactory answer.

(Optional) Step 3, I begin posting daily, until that answer comes along. See, it costs money to respond, or erase posted complaints. Eventually, my squeaky wheel gets answered.

Step 4 (or is that 3) I post the results here, and come up with a clever trending tag, like #ForgetGhanesh or something.

We dont' have to play this game folks. There's a reason why HPSucks.com was a site and why HP took legal action to get it pulled. Customer service is a fairy tale. Public Relations isn't. One makes money, one costs money. To get the service they charge us so much for, we just have to know which one to use.

Because the customer is always right.