THE TRUTH ABOUT HDTV

TV holds a very dear place in my heart. Growing up, I saw more of my TV than my parents. When I was stationed overseas, none of my family wrote me letters, but TV was there for me. When I get home from work, and I’ve had a bad day, I can always plop down on the couch and find something to watch on TV. Yes, TV has always, and will always, be there for me.

You’d think I would be thrilled about the switch to Digital TV coming up this summer. But I can’t stand all the lies being thrown at gullible consumers, about my best friend.

First off, let me assure you, despite HH Gregg’s annoying commercials, your trusty old Analog TV is not going to “blitz off” this summer, when analog broadcasts stop.

While I’m at it, I’d like to also point out that you should never, ever buy HDMI cables from an electronics store. Go home and order them online- you’ll pay about 25% of store cost, and get a better cable.

And finally, a TV isn’t really “HD” unless it can output a 1080p picture. Read the fine print. Don’t get suckered into buying a 720p.

If you’re thoroughly confused at this point, keep reading. If you know what I’m talking about, go help a friend instead of spending more time on this article.

DIGITAL VS. ANALOG

Up until now, TV in America has been broadcast on the analog standard. I won’t get into the highly technical definition of what that means. I’ll simplify it. When a record player scratches a vinyl record with a needle, sound vibrations are converted into electrical impulses. That’s analog. When your computer is hooked up to a microphone, it converts the electrical impulses from a microphone into a computer code. That’s digital.

When television stations stop broadcasting in analog, your TV will not shut off. It’ll show snow (static)- just like if you turn to a channel now that there’s no broadcast on. But that doesn’t mean your TV is no longer capable of receiving a picture- it just means no one is going to be broadcasting one (in analog).

Have a VCR? A DVD player? A satellite or cable receiver? All of those items will still emit an analog signal, over cables connected to your TV. You’ll still get a picture. You won’t need a DTV converter, or an HDTV.

Remember when DVDs came out? The picture was so much clearer than a VHS tape or even broadcast TV. That’s because DVDs have a higher resolution. Resolution refers to the pixels on your set. Your TV displays a picture by means of thousands of teeny, tiny colored dots- pixels. Like the road side hazard signs, but on a much tinier scale. The smaller the dots on your screen, and the more there are of them, the finer the picture looks. Kind of like drawing with a crayon, vs. drawing with a pencil.

Broadcast TV has a resolution of 128,400 pixels on the screen. Most analog, picture-tube TVs however could display as many as 307,200 pixels. DVDs output a picture closer to the 300,000 pixels than broadcast TV- explaining why they look so much better.

HDTV has a picture composed of 3,000,000 pixels. Quite a difference.

HDTV’s are defined by two standards, 720i/720p, or 1080i/1080p. Those numbers are a measure of the vertical lines of resolution. Less lines means less pixels. A 720p TV, while being sold for the same price as some 1080p’s, DOES NOT have the same picture quality. Please don’t be tricked into thinking otherwise.

NOTE: The “i” and “p” is a reference to interlaced and “progressive scan” and is a technical TV term dating from the days of analog TV. Basically, if a picture is 480 lines high, the interlaced version shows 240 spaced lines in odd-numbered frames, and the other 240 frames on even-numbered frames, there being 30 frames displayed per second on television, creating the illusion of movement for your eye. Progressive scan shows you all 480 lines for each of the 30 frames per second, resulting in a finer picture.

(On a side note, bear in mind that on a 13″ TV, those pixels are going to be smaller than on a 42″ TV. A smaller TV then will have a finer, smoother-looking picture than a large TV)

DON’T OVERPAY FOR CABLES

Anytime you shop for a new HDTV, you’re going to be harassed about buying an HDMI cable. Don’t let your eyes glaze over and don’t cave in to pressure.

Those red, white and yellow cables your first VCR used are called “composite” cables. The yellow cable carries a video signal, and the red and white carry audio signals.

When S-Video (Super Video) came out, the yellow cable was replaced with a black cable full of several tiny pins. The video cable was now split up and was capable of producing a better, higher resolution image.

Component cables look just like composite, consisting of a red and white audio lines, and red, green and blue video cables. Component cables can carry stunning 720i/p and 1080i images.
But not 1080p.

See, when all the electronics companies got together to work out sharing the technology of HDTV, they agreed that true 1080p images would only be sent out over HDMI cables- a digital, computery-looking cable. HDMI carries picture and digital audio. No analog involved. This results in superior audio and video, and allows you to fully enjoy the HDTV experience. And you can’t record over HDMI connections.

The problem with HDMI is that the cables are sold in stores for 4 times what they can be bought online. Yes, FOUR (4) times. Or more.

Take the average 6-foot HDMI cable for your new 1080p TV. At Bestbuy, it’ll run you $39.99.
However, any number of websites will sell you a superior cable, for less. My favorite online store, Monoprice.com, sells a gold-plated, 6-foot HDMI cable for $3.56 +shipping.
Yes, $3.56.

Now, you can get more expensive cables at Bestbuy. You can also buy higher quality cables at Monoprice.com. But the cheapest, crappiest cable at Bestbuy is still far more than the best cable Monoprice has to offer.

It’s a racket. It makes McDonald’s profit margin on french fries look tame.

Moral of the story: before you part with your hard-earned cash to enjoy the wonderous beauty of my bestest friend TV, please do just a little reading. The money you could save could be put toward a lot of snacks, something every good couch potato needs.

EVOLUTION: A black and white issue?

Back during Barack Obama’s campaign, I noted in a cartoon the amazing similarity of Michelle Obama to the Geico cavemen. Having a rather caveman-shaped forehead myself, I felt this was fair game, and a funny way to work in yet another dig on Chairman Maobama.

But I’ve been thinking- primarily about the cartoons I could have done. And I’ve had a stunning realization about Western society.

The Theory of Evolution really is just another way to keep the black man down.

See, all those nature-worshipping elitists that push Darwin and Lamark believe that mankind evolved from monkies. And that the first human was a skeleton found in Africa that has been named "Lucy". Lucy is a black woman. Ergo, mankind evolved from black women.

Now at first glance, a lot of black people- and I use the color-descriptive term as Africa isn’t just full of black people- might take pride in this scientific quackery. That their race is the first race. That they are the oldest, noblest progenitors of mankind. But that means that they are also the least evolved.

Remember that Lamark and Darwin came up with their heathen blasphemies about man’s origins in the 1800s, a time in world history when black men and women were deemed sub-human in the West. White, western men considered themselves the top of the food chain- their way of rationilizing centuries of slave trading.

For Europe, black men, and even native Americans, were not the same as "normal" men. The Spanish used the same rationale for justifying their invasion of the New World and forcing natives there to convert to Christianity.

Even "Evolution of Man" charts have the black man following apes, with white men following black men.

Does all this mean that Barack Obama was the less-evolved candidate? That America has chosen a primitive paleo-liberal as the next President? Maybe if you wear a pillow case over your head and like lighting crosses on fire.

Without getting all preachy, let me just close by expressing my sheer wonder that this hasn’t been noticed by the black caucuses and NAACP before. Not really surprising since they have sought reparations from the United States, rather than the African nations that originally placed modern Black Americans' ancestors into slavery then sold them (if anyone could afford reparations, surely it would be the oil rich countries of Africa and the middle east who historically are infamlous for slave trading).

No, it’s now little wonder to me that so many black children going through are heathen school systems grow up feeling as though they don’t fit in with the rest of society. Or that all the rich, liberal snobs’ children grow up thinking they are better and that blacks need money thrown at them. We're subliminally telling them they're little more than animals.

This whole personal discovery has led me to revile Darwin and Lamark even more than ever- something I never would have thought personal. Perhaps with a less evolved President we could make some true progress and do away with the racist teachings of Evolution and begin telling our children that all men truly are created equal- not evolved differently.

WHERE ARE ALL THE REAL MEN?

I'm feeling a little lonely here. Like I'm the last real Man in America.

I’m talking about the e-Volve Gadget Shoulder Holster I just read about. It's the straw that broke the camel’s back. Or maybe wrapped it in sissified, purse-ified comfort.

The Gadget Shoulder Holster, or "dork purse" as I'll call it, vaguely looks like some kind of undercover shoulder holster for a handgun. But it’s a purse. Or maybe a bra with a side pocket.
And it's gotten me thinking. Has Mankind sunk so low?

Where have all the real men gone? Why am I surrounded by an America full of panty-waisted, metrosexually confused twerps? Look at the Presidential election for God’s sake! Obama is a pencil-necked geek. The toughest thing he’s ever faced in his life was a spoonful of crack. John McCain on the other hand was a bad ass Navy flier, who was beaten and tortured for five years to the point he can’t even raise his hands over his head. And yet he still campaigns and runs for office at an age when he should be retired, sitting on the beach sipping a cool drink and watching the ladies.

What is happening to America? Forget the left-leaning nazification helmed by the Devilcrats. What about the virtual castration of our male populace?

I'm not exxagerating people.

How often are you in traffic and you notice that the car ahead of you has no driver? You shake your head, realizing that KITT is a Mustang on NBC, not the rusted beater ahead of you, and then you finally notice the tuft of hair sticking up in front of a headrest. You think for a moment, "look at that little old lady." Then you see it's a dude! A dude so frickin’ short he can barely see over the steering wheel.

Or take all these Viagra and Cialis and other plumbing medications for men we see on TV all the time! C’mon! A real man wouldn’t whine about his manhood. Nor would he jump up during a commercial and announce "Hey! I need some of those pills!" I mean, who are these advertisements for?

Look around you carefully and take note of the men in your life. How many drink diet coke? How many go to a hair stylist instead of a barber? How many will admit to pedicures?

Do you think some pink-shirt-wearing, pedicured, purse-carrying, diet-coke-drinking, Weight Watchers-eating band of sissies could have defeated the Nazis in World War II?! Can anyone reading this imagine their grandfather worrying about the fat content of a cheeseburger from McDonald’s, or wearing black because it’s slimming?

I should have seen this coming. I mean, I’m a student of history. I remember when fanny packs came out. People called those purses. And what about body sprays for men, instead of just cologne? Penny Loafers. Izod shirts. Light Beer. Xena.

Our male population has been reduced to a herd of geldings. There are no bulls left. Just little twerps worried about their looks, their fashion and their health. What a bunch of girls.

A real man wears his phone in a holster on his belt, next to his gigantic pocket knife. Or carries it old school, in his pocket with a massive set of keys and a couple of dollars worth of change. Throw in a couple of nuts and bolts, a drill bit and maybe some beer tabs- remnants from that DIY project around the house the weekend before.

A man’s pockets should be like the junk drawer in the kitchen, containing a little bit of everything. You thrust your hand in and wince as sharp things pierce your skin, then you pull out a handful of shrapnel and transfer it to a new pair of pants. You don’t organize your belongings in a shoulder-slung, multipocket contraption made of fine leather that matches your damn shoes.

Oh, sure, the manufacturer probably thinks guys will buy it so they can look like Dirty Harry, whipping out their iPhones to call 9-1-1 at the first sign of danger. What, are you five? If it isn’t concealing a weapon that can actually kill someone, it’s a frickin’ purse.

Might as well start speaking French- they’re all a bunch of socialist, purse-carrying sissies too.

THE OBAMAGEDDON IS COMING- ARE YOU READY?

PART 1: Defining the Opacalypse

Mark my words, dear readers, the Obamageddon is less than a month away. Are you ready?

I know what you’re thinking- that this is just another attempt to dissuade you edjamuhcated libtards so you vote McCain-Palin instead of Osama-Lyin. But it’s not.

Seriously.

I mean, if simple facts can’t change your stubborn-as-a-mule, er- donkey, mindset, what else will?

No, today’s article is to look beyond the campaigns, the muck-raking, the election. Today, I want to talk about the impending Obamageddon that begins on November 4, 2008. I truly care what happens to each of you, and your innocent children (assuming you haven’t aborted them). I want you all to survive, because without Americans, there can’t be an America.

I am a worst-case scenario kind of guy. I like to plan for the worst. I don’t have a bomb shelter in my basement or even a generator out back. But I do keep candles, water and some other survival-type items in my home. I’m not expecting the undead to arise or anything (although they will on election day, and they’ll be voting Democrat). I’m anticipating the very-real threat of storms. Loss of power. Being unable to drive to the grocery store- assuming it has food to buy. That kind of thing.

But I was just thinking this week that a far more dangerous disaster is looming. Election Day. Let us look to history for a moment. Remember all the ruckus over hanging chads a few years ago? Look back a little further- remember all the ruckus over a pot-smoking speeder getting a King-sized whuppin’ by LA’s finest? And the riots that ensued?

See, I predeict that whether Beezlebarack wins or loses on November 4, 2008, there’s going to be civil unrest. And given recent events like Rodney King and Algore’s narrow loss, I think they’re going to be pretty serious.

Now there’s two ways this can play out. It could be a short-lived Opacalypse, or perhaps a truly earth-shattering Ragnabarack. In either instance, we all need to start preparing.

First, let’s look at the lesser catastrophe- Beezelebarack loses the election. I say lesser, because by Christmas all the rioting and anarchy will be over and Martial Law will reign supreme. By mid-2009, life will be restored to normal and the libs can start saving their pennies for Hellary’s run in 2012.

So, how does the Opacalypse start? Right off the bat, when the polls close and McCain is declared the winner, there will be rioting and pillaging like after a soccer match in England. All those inner city thugs who formerly spent their days counting down to welfare check day and their next fix will be whipped up into a tinfoil-hatted frenzy by the conspiracy nuts blogging from their parents’ basements. Cars will be overturned and burned and there’ll be muggings, lynchings, and worse. It won’t be a night for non-African American’s to be out.

The first week after the election won’t be much better, but at least sticking to main streets and public areas will be safe. We’ll all spend a lot of our time watching the police respond to marches (I should copyright the term "Million Mad March") and protests- particularly in large urban areas that were bastions of the Devilcrats. Cancel any plans to go to Chicago, cause it won’t be pretty there.

By week two, we’ll all be lamenting how there’s nothing but news on TV. DVD sales and rentals will skyrocket as the sane among us try to avoid the sore losers whining on an hourly basis into any camera they can find. Meanwhile, al Qaida will be pissing their pants in fear and US Forces will enjoy a nice Christmas break from the fighting. Which will of course infuriate the Doveocrats in Congress.

During this short-lived Opacalypse you’ll only need the same basics as you would for a hurricane. Food, water, shelter. Thankfully the severe winter weather won’t have set in so the power outages shouldn’t be more than a nuisance. For those in inner cities, concealment will be the best skill to develop as you’ll want to hide yourselves and your valuables from the roaming Bar-ackians.

Should Beezlebarack win, we’re looking at a far more serious, and longer-lasting Ragnabarack. Fortunately, Ragnabarack will be slower starting, but continue to gain in intensity. Kind of like a clogged toilet.

To begin with, the night of Beezlebarack’s win will be marked by very similar nights of pillaging by the inner city types who so fervently want someone to represent their interests. Years of imagined oppression will be vented on anything that fits the stereotypical image of "white America". Think Houston Astrodome, but with REALLY angry people.

By day two or three however, the revelers will have run out of steam. They can’t be too mad at this point, as they won. Mainly, there’ll be a lot of posturing on TV. And of course the Devilcrats in Congress will be patting each other on the back and working feverishly into the night to come up with ways to take away our rights and spend all our tax money.

Unfortunately, this will begin the decline of America. For one, foreign countries will think they can do whatever they want, without fear of reprisal. Don’t forget, during the Carter Administration, America was branded the "paper tiger". (I think it would be more fitting to call the Beezlebarack America the "cardboard panther") Terrorism over seas will rise sharply, because of the perception US forces will be withdrawn immediately on Beezlebarack’s coronation. A lot of US Troops will then come home for Christmas- in body bags. During it all, Beezlebarack will begin a whirlwind tour of gloating and surrender- I mean, diplomacy- in places like Tehran, Pyongyang, Venezuela and Moscow.

During the month of December, conservatives and Christians will need to begin stocking up on supplies. Come 2009, you won’t be able to buy much in the way of luxuries or essentials, as the US dollar will plummet in value. Those of you living outside the mid-west also ought to consider moving. After all, when America’s enemies begin invading, they’ll start on the coasts.

There will be a great many changes to our way of life in 2009. Far too many to go into at this time. Basically, you need to spend December unregistering as a Republican, stocking up on non-firearm weaponry before it’s taken from you, and hiding all the crosses and bibles in your home.

So in closing, we’ve got a tough year end coming. I know preparing for the worst will cut into your Christmas budget, but really, you need to plan ahead for the inevitable civil unrest and possible socialization of our country in 2009. Stock up on toilet paper, batteries, canned goods and water. The week of November 4th you’ll probably be staying home with your kids.

Barack Obama is the Devil

There’s an old saying that a lot of folks have apparently forgotten:

If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck and acts like a duck... it’s a duck.

Some may cry fowl, but I think Barack Hussein Obama is the Devil. I don’t literally mean Lucifer, the brightest angel cast out from Heaven into Hell. Just one of his minions.

We have a man who was educated as a child in Muslim schools. Who’s step-father was a muslim. Surely some of that wicked ideology rubbed off on him during those formative years. What person isn’t in some way influenced by the environment of their childhood?

Obama proudly declares that he formerly used drugs in his autobiography. So he’s a criminal as well. Not convicted apparently, but still a criminal- because to use you have to possess. Of course, being a criminal in the Devilcrat party isn’t a big deal. There’s lots of lawbreakers there- ranging from those who patronize hookers to drunk drivers that have killed passengers and then used their family’s standing to get out of it.

Oh, I know, Republicans also have criminals and sexual deviants in their party. And I know that all people are imperfect and make mistakes. But mistakes are a long way from out and out evil.

The final straw for me on the Demon Named Obama is his racist "former" minster, the Rev. Wright. For 20 years he sat in a Church that reverberated with speeches of hate, instead of compassion and remembrance of Christ. I wouldn’t have sat for 20 minutes in a place like that.

Of course, there is more I don’t like about Obama. How in an election he didn’t have a clear win- he challenged vote results over and over until his opponent conceded. What a whiner. Or how when he was an intern at Michelle Obama’s lawfirm he had a dalliance with a superviser and eventually married her. Not exactly professional behavior.

And I know that wanting to allow the murder of babies doesn’t singularly define you as evil. There’s always the chance you’re just stupid and don’t know any better.

What really irks me about Obama is all the political correctness among conservatives talking about him. I’m sick and tired of hearing folks say that they respect him and love him as a fellow American citizen, but he isn’t the right man for the job. Even the great Ted Nugent, a man who I am proud to live in the same country as, declared (during a May 2008 Glenn Beck interview) his affection for Obama as a fellow citizen and American. I expected a statement like that from the kinder, gentler-than-me John McCain. But not Ted Nugent. Especially with Mr. Nugent’s everyday-rage against drug users.

Conservatives have become a bunch of namby-pamby, pantywaists. Afraid to speak their minds about the evil of Barack Hussein Obama. Disgusting. Do they think Teddy Roosevelt wouldn’t declare Obama the flaming, hellspawn Mallard he is?

A lot of republicans declare that they are better than name-calling. They talk about how Obama is a great dad. I really don’t care if Obama loves his children. I’m sure Satan has great affection in even his dark heart for cursed souls like Adolf Hitler. Tell me that there wasn’t some food that Charles Manson doesn’t love. Evil can love. But it is still evil.

Devilcrats are quick to brand folks evil. I remember many a nut declaring Ronald Reagan to be the antichrist in the 1980s. George Bush likewise is branded evil on a daily basis. I know all about taking the high road, but some things you shouldn't ignore.

The Republican Party wants to tell us how great John McCain and Sarah Palin are. Unless they also share the truth about how evil the alternative is, it seems kind of pointless to paint a picture of how great John McCain is. What happened to all the straight talk?

If America votes for Obama, then America deserves the consequences. I will never lie to anyone and say that Obama is a good person. I’ll admit he may be nice to his kids, but he is clearly evil in a way Bill Clinton, Ted Kennedy or even Nancy Pelosi could never truly fathom.

Declaring anything else is just qwackers.

RAINBOW SIX VEGAS 2: Tropic Thunder!

In what is surely one of the most clever in-game advertising gimmicks ever, Ubisoft has hidden a sweepstakes within R6V2!

http://kotaku.com/5033350/rainbow-six-scavenger-hunt-promotes-tropic-thunder

Now, the screenshot given at the link above doesn't seem to do anything. I tried it, and got no response.

So i started playing the game itself- turns out Clue #1 is located on of the first levels in Vegas- you're out to rescue an undercover operative being tortured. When you pop out on the roof, as you hear him being mutilated, look around and you'll see a Tropic Thunder Billboard- which tells you to go to The Convention Center South Hall.

We'll see what we find there....

GOOD IDEAS FOR BAD COMPANY

(pictures coming soon)

By now, most of us that have Battlefield: Bad Company have cursed at least once about the game not working right. Many talk about getting their money back.

But hold on! Maybe EA can fix this before the next generation Xbox console comes out. Meantime, with gas prices so high, why drive back to the store and get your money back (assuming you can) when there are plenty of thinsg you can do with Bad Company?

GAME DISK USES

Coaster
Sure, this could damage the disk, but think of the protection it will offer furniture. Odds are, your furniture costs more than $60 to replace. And actually works as advertised.

Emergency Signaling Device
Slim, round with no sharp corners, the game disk can easily be placed in a backpack, glovebox or even hip pack for trips into the wilderness. Then, should you need help, it’s a simple matter to look through the spindle hole to site overflying aircraft and flash signals to them. Your chance of rescue is significiantly greater than EA getting their shit together, so what the heck? Give it a try!

Frisbee
The durable polycarbonate construction of the disk allows it to slice through the air with ease. And with the slim profile of a frisbee’d disk, you can make your backyard tosses much more challenging. Like High Stakes mode in Rainbow Six Vegas 2, a game that now doesn’t seem so bad, does it?

Baby’s Mobile
Many of us gamers have children. That’s because only an adult with a job can afford consoles and their overpriced games. So why not recycle some of the money spent on ourselves and make something for our babies? Fishing line, a clothes hangar and copies of other lame games like HALO3, or maybe a scratched Madden NFL disk or even all those HD titles Microsoft suckered us into buying (or that came "free" with the HDDVD player) can be strung up to provide magical entertainment for many hours. Unlike the game- which you’re lucky to get an hour a week of online play out of.

Note Pad/Scratch Paper
Face it, the worst thing about scratch paper is it blends in with garbage in your pocket and you often throw away those brilliant inventions or grocery lists you jotted down. But with a Sharpie marker and a game disk, you can preserve your idea in round, silvery splendor, sure to catch your eye. If only these suckers had a self-adhesive strip so they could be attached to the wall. And don’t forget, you can write on both sides of the disk. A great way to pass the time while waiting for EA’s servers to come back up.

Replacement Wheel
When one of the kids’ toys breaks, don’t throw it away. The tough polycarbonate disk can withstand a great deal of punishment. Heck, if the kids really like it, find some other disks and trick out their wagon with some fly disk spinners! Why, they look almost as good as the Bad Connection demo!

Cymbals
Just mount Bad Connection and maybe LAMO3 on a stick and tell the kids it’s a drum set cymbal! They can beat it all day long, venting your frustration at connectivity issues for you!

THE GAME BOX

Hey, the game sucks and will never work, but the box can live on! Don’t throw that M$ green treasure away! Here are uses for the Box itself!

Replacement DVD box
This just screams HULK replacement box. It’s GREEN. Or maybe you need a box for some of those time-shifted movies you rented from Netflix? One thing’s sure, the neon green case will make spotting your movie a piece of cake, whether it’s on the shelf with those old black cases, or kicked under the couch by the kids- who never put movies back anyway.

Money Stash keeper
In the old days, folks used to put money in cookie jars or under their mattresses. But this game case can easily hold a spare set of checks, bills, even change. Better still, by leaving the Bad Company label on it, you’re sure that no self-respecting thief will steal it from your home.

Turtle habitat
Got a pet Turtle, or hamster, or some other small critter? Look how easily the box converts into immediate shelter for their cage. You’ll be all the rage with PETA and the eco nuts, because your new pet shelter is green.

Snack Case
While not air tight, the game case can protect fragile snacks from crushing. Just place the snacks in a ziplock and close it up. For snacks you want to hide from the kids, use the case, with game label intact, as a food safe, similar to the money stash keeper. Mmmm... twizzlers, jerky and M&Ms- power food for the serious gamer. And by serious, I mean the gamer who plays a game for hours on end instead of trying to connect with EA for hours on end.

Cigarette Case
Okay, I don’t smoke, so I had to use straws, but you get the point. Heck, you could store pencils, paper, plastic knives.... the list goes on and on! Unlike the online game play.

Target
When me and my buddies go to the real firing range, one thing we always seem to forget are targets. Bullets are just so darned expensive, and it’s so rare we get to go. So, at the last minute, we’re scrounging up milk jugs, 2L bottles, even little green army men. Being M$ green, this box is guaranteed to be visible on the range. Extra points for hitting the center spindle/disk holder thingey.

GAME BOX INSERT

A lot of folks might overlook all the labels and insert in a game box. But really, they can be used for a lot of things.

Scratch paper

One side of the label is blank. If you have small kids like me, you’ll know how they like to draw on anything. Thanks EA for making the back side blank. It’s those little touches that so endear you to me.

Paper airplane
This one is so obvious. Why waste a perfectly good piece of paper the kids could draw on- or you could use for random thoughts- when you’ve got this game label ready to provide minutes of aerial entertainment for the kids? And it doesn’t require a network connection.

Paper plate
How many times have you made a sandwhich and then didn’t grab a plate for it? Then you sit down, get comfortable and before you can eat your snack the phone rings and you need somewhere to put the food down? Originally, I was going to have this as a use for the game disk or box, but I wanted something disposable (I hate recycling). So yeah, I’ll use the label one time to catch grease or crumbs and then throw the bastard away. Like I did my money when I bought the game.

Rolling Paper
Okay, I do NOT advocate drug use, but in the old days, folks rolled their own cancer sticks. Gasp! I know, hard to imagine anyone rolling anything up to smoke that isn’t illegal, but it’s true. And what better use for a label for a game that doesn’t work?

Fire Tinder
I like to grill. And I use charcoal, 'cause I just like that burnt taste on everything- rather than the sissified propane some folks use. To light my grill I use a charcoal chimney- it’s a tube that you fill with briquets than stuff paper in the bottom. Light the paper and the flames heat the bottom layer of charcoal, which add to the rising heat for the next layer and so on. And since I read my news online now and don't get a newspaper, I always have to scrounge for paper for the chimney. Hmmm... maybe I can get some use out of Bad Connection yet.

Toilet paper
Alright, while not particularly soft, or absorbent, when you have to go, you have to go. And then you need something to clean up with. I know, I’m skeptical that it would do much good, but I’m willing to give it a try. I’ll pack this sucker in the car for emergencies. I can think of no more fitting end to the game label than to let it meet my end.

BATTLE OF THE BULGES

I’m fat, and I don’t care.

I am so sick and tired of all the people- mainly women- I hear belly-aching about how they wish they could lose weight. They blather on about faddish diets, like not eating is the solution to their problem.

The person who has lost the most weight, hands down, is Richard Simmons. The man in the fruity shorts has burnt off more fat than the rest of the diet world combined. How did he do it? He made people get off their lazy arses and actually exercise. THAT is how you lose weight- you burn it off.

Whenever I try to tell people this- typically while knawing on a candybar or drinking a non-diet coke, I get death glares. I guess people see my manly stomach and think I’m full of hot air and fat. They fail to understand that I really could care less if I have a little fat. They must think I’m joking when I tell them that when the apocalypse comes, the skinny people will die soon, but those of us with fat reserves will be sittin’ pretty.

Still, despite my built-in survival rations and my laissez fat attitude, I have decided to enter the weight loss game for awhile myself. Not because I particularly want to or need to, but to shut people up. That’s right, I’m going to put my money where my mouth is and show how easy it is to lose weight.

I plan to do this by a combination of diet and exercise. Lately, fate has conspired to put me on a diet anyway. We had some storms last week that knocked our power out for 21 hours. We cleaned out the fridge, throwing potentially-spoiled food away just like a crazed dieter. In the aftermath, there’s just not a lot of good snack food left in the fridge. My gallon of vanilla ice cream is gone- partially melted and replaced with a flavor I don’t like (it was the kids' turn to pick the flavor).

Then there’s the kids- they have eaten all the cookies and snacks that didn’t require refrigeration. I know, I can replace them when I go to the grocery, but last night I had nothing to snack on. Oh, the humanity.

For the Diet part of my plan then, I plan to limit myself to one softdrink in the evening (down from my usual 3 or 4), one 32oz glass of milk (down from my 2 or 3), reduced snacking and I’ll swear off thirds at dinner and only have seconds every now and then. That alone is bound to knock a load of calories off my weekly diet.

For the exercise part of my plan, instead of spending all my evening time seated on the couch watching TV, I shall try one half hour on the pedal-powered clothes rack in the basement- or what most people would call an "exercise bicycle". We’ve had it for years, but it never gets used.

Finally, to make this a manly endeavor, and not some girly exercise in trying to justify a wardrobe change, I’m making a contest out of this: one of my pals and I are having a weigh-off. Whoever can lose the most weight by Halloween wins a cash prize AND a smorgasboard-like lunch at our favorite purveyor of fatty, delicious food: Wendy’s.

Personally, I don’t think this is going to be so hard. And I’m going to get the perverse joy of still eating a candybar and coke for breakfast every morning at work, in front of the diet-obsessed chicks in my office, while somehow shedding pounds. It’ll drive them crazy.

So here we go. Week 1, my weight is 315 Lbs, stacked 6'4" high- when I stand up straight. I'm wearing 46 pants. I’ll be following up with weekly weigh-ins, so my pal and I know we aren’t cheating.

NEVER GIVE UP- A Father's Day Tale

I was over at EngadgetHD this morning and saw a horrible story about a Dad who won a 65" HD TV from Charter, then they screwed him and tried to give him only a 19 Inch set.

Bastards.

This reminded me of Engadget's own HD TV giveaway. And of my own brush with a rigged contest back in 2004. It went something like this:


In my day job, I take complaints. A lot of complaints. Complaints from real jerks that haven’t the slightest idea of what manners are. And I don’t exactly make the big bucks for putting up with all their crap.

For many, many years, I have always been a person hesitant to make complaints. The complaint taker is almost never the source of the problem anyway, so why be rude to them. However, as I have grown older, and had to listen to other people bitch and moan for ten years, I have changed my mind.

Now, I complain.

Actually, I should say that I complain when I’m justified to do so. Fair is fair, and when anyone doesn’t get treated fairly they should speak up. And that’s just what this story is about.

Several years ago, a few months before Father’s Day, a major retailer advertised a clever contest- dad’s could write down a great moment with their kids that they wished they’d caught on video. The entries had to be handwritten, and dropped off at each participating store. Each store would then select one winner, and then all those local winners would be further judged for a National grand prize winner.

The prizes? Each local winner was to get a brand new flip cellphone with all sorts of gimmicks built in and a free year’s worth of service. The National Grandprize winner was to get a package worth $25,000. It included just about every electronic gadget a dad could want, a several-thousand dollar gift card to the Retailer and a Visa-type giftcard from the Retailer.

I was very interested.

I carefully printed off an entry and thought about what I would write for days. Eventually I settled on what I thought was a very appropriate tale of my three year old. At the time, my daughter greatly enjoyed watching the behind-the-scenes segments on DVDs with me. When Terminator 3 came out on DVD, we got a copy and raced home to watch it. When the movie was over, I started to watch the extras. However, my daughter wanted to watch some cartoons. Right about the time Arnold appeared on the screen and declared "I’ll be back." my girl grabbed the remote, declared "No you won’t." and turned the DVD player off.

Okay, it was a so-so story. Funny, but not a knee-slapper. We went to the retailer, driving for about 30 minutes to get there, dropped off my entry and ended up buying a few things when we browsed the store.

A few months passed and I thought I’d check online to see what the winning entries were. I was eager to read all kinds of great tales of child antics. One problem though. The webpage for the contest was gone.

I double-checked my bookmarks in Internet Explorer. I ran a search. Nothing.
Suspicious, I emailed customer service. They later emailed me back, claiming they had never heard of such a contest.

I called customer service. After claiming to not know about the contest, nor of being able to find it on the retailer’s website, the rep I talked to eventually started looking through the online Sunday fliers. Sure enough, he found the contest listed.

Unfortunately, I had called just one week too late. Had I called the week before, I could have requested a list of the winner’s names.

After a few minutes of arguing, the rep changed his mind and said that if I sent a letter showing I had emailed during the period posted he was sure they would give me the winner’s names.
At this point, I knew I was being had. It reminded me of the time I handwrote 650 postcards and deposited them in a drawing box for a free pickup. After all there was no limit on the number of entries.

My next step was the Better Business Bureau. I explained my complaint and cited some Indiana statutes that mandate the odds for winning in a contest have to be displayed.

By December, I began a series of emails with an attorney for the retailer. I learned that the contest had been delayed- that judging all the entries had proven too large a task for the company running the contest. I was assured the judging would continue and winners would be selected. I pointed out that a lot of retailers have been known to pull fast ones with these kinds of contests- claiming to award prizes merely to bait consumers into their stores.

February came and I checked back with the attorney- reminding him that I still wanted proof it was a real contest. I was told winners had been picked and I would get a list of the winners names.

A couple of days later, I came home to find a Fed Ex package on my doorstep. I opened it up expecting to find just a list of winners. Instead, it contained a gift card to the retailer for $576, and congratulations for winning at my local store.

The moral of this story is that like insurance companies, businesses will do their best to not respond to complaints how you want them to. But if you’re right, don’t give up. It doesn’t cost you anything but time to complain. On the otherhand, for a business, their attorneys are spending much more valuable time than you are answering your complaints.

And what’d I do with the money? Bought my little girl some DVDs and a wall-mount swing arm for her TV, got my wife a new cellphone, and bought myself a kickin’ graphics card for my PC and a couple of new games.

The 4th of JuLive:

This Independence Day celebrate in digital safety!

Ah, Independance Day. Unlike some cultures that sing and dance to celebrate the birth of their nations, we Americans do it right. We blow shit up.

It makes perfect sense, really. Look at our great National Anthem. "By the Rocket’s Red Glare, Bombs Bursting in Air...". While the rest of world celebrates their national holidays like a bunch of skipping pansies, we Americans remember the awesome whoop ass we had to lay out on our cousins from across the sea to gain our independence. We don’t sing Kumbayah or hold hands.

We... Blow... Shit... Up.

Unfortunately, blowing shit up is dangerous. Very dangerous. So how do you feed your demolitionist leanings and stay safe? How about Xbox Live?

Oh, sure, I know what you’re thinking- why stay inside on the Xbox when you could be out blowing shit up for real? I used to think like you. When I was a kid, I loved blowing shit up. Those were the good old days when firecrackers were illegal. My truck driving uncle never disappointed though. He’d smuggle some bricks of pure American firecracker fun back home to the Hoosier State and me and my cousins would celebrate in style. We would blow all kinds of shit up.

When I was a teenager though, I finally learned that blowing shit up could be dangerous. One day, after having run out of hotwheels, Army men, little frogs and everything else fun to blow up, my cuz and I really scraped the bottom of the barrel. The trash barrel. Where my uncle would burn trash. (they lived on a farm). There we found brown treasure- beer bottles blackened but intact. Previous experiments had shown that a firecracker dropped into a 16 oz glass coke bottle (yep, showing my age there) made a really cool noise. So we decided we would determine the tonal range of a Coors bottle.

Boom! The fire-weakened bottle exploded from the little firecracker- quite surprising considering these same firecrackers had done little more than sting our fingers when we didn’t time our throws right earlier in the day (I will, as a public service to parents everywhere, not divulge what we were flinging at or why).

Holy Crap! That was awesome, I thought in that first half-second of manic glee. Then a piece of glass hit me in the leg and my cousin, standing beside me, screamed and held a hand up to his face.

I spun in place, not looking at the incredibly f*cking painful spot on my leg I was sure was gushing blood, and panickedly asked my cousin if he was okay. Chills went up my spine as I envisioned the ass-whooping my dad would undoubtably be giving me when he learned I had put my cousin’s eye out. With a firecracker.

Thank God (thanks again Lord, I know it’s been years since I thanked you, but let me just reiterate my appreciation for your intervention that day) but Dan’s eye was intact. In fact, he wasn’t bleeding at all. He just had this bright red spot on his forehead that was causing him excruciating pain. I chanced a glance to my leg. Eureka! My bluejeans were intact. Even though my leg was stinging like crazy, I had avoided laceration. I was fragment proof! No glass in my leg, no glass in Dan’s forehead or eye!

From that day foreward, my love affair with explosives was tempered with caution. I am kind of accident prone after all, best to be careful and keep all my fingers. Unfortunately, cost of caution is the reduction of fun.

Then, years later, I got an Xbox 360.

Oh, the joy! Rainbow 6 Vegas, Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter. Battlefield Bad Company. Thanks to these wonderful first person shooters, I can get my maximum bomb on, and keep myself, my loved ones, and my home intact.

It started in GRAW, when I discovered that all those cars parked in Mexico would explode in these beautifully rendered fireballs. From that day on, it was not uncommon for me to stop chasing bad guys to take out some rage on a parked car, or use up all my grenades long before reaching my objective.

Rainbow Six Vegas upped the ante. Not only did I have grenades I could fling at doors, blowing them off their hinges, but I could lay traps of C4, remotely detonating my little surprises and then watch the digital bodies go flying. Mwuhahahahaha!

Both GRAW2 and R6V2 upped the ante on their predecessors. GRAW2 features much improved graphics and R6V2 added these great rippling shock waves- compression of the air that radiates out from blasts. With my surround sound turned up, playing in HD, I could swear I feel the blasts in each game. Ubisoft also added more stuff to blow up in R6V2; my favorite is the grand piano from the Villa map- it makes this swell noise, like it’s been dropped by movers when you grenade it.

But the culmination of all your explosive wishes has got to be the destructible environment of Battlefield Bad Company. Not only can you blow up other players, or vehicles- now you can blow up buildings. Trees. Even the frickin’ ground. And not just with grenades and C4. You’ve got rocket launchers. You’ve got GPS-coordinated mortar strikes. You’ve got laser-guided, air dropped bombs! Bodies fly through the air. Craters form in the ground. Walls and roofs explode into debris clouds. Vehicles fly into the air and burst into flames.

Firecrackers? Bottle rockets? Please.

What could be more fun than spotting a bad guy hiding in a building, whipping out your GPS unit, targeting the building, then sitting back to watch mortar rounds fall from Xbox heaven to demolish house and enemy? Oh, sure sometimes the first volley doesn’t get them, but if you hide in a good spot, where you can’t be seen, you can do it again.

Not Boom-o-rific enough for you? Then try the laser-guidance system. You target an area with your super-sized binoculars and then you suddenly see the area from far above. A bomb appears, as though dropped by a plane. Using your controller, you get to steer that sucker in, hitting whatever you want at ground level. It packs such a big boom you can take a tank out with one hit.

This fourth of July I’ll go outside and set off some sparkler cones and roman candles for the kids. Maybe some noise makers. But come midnight I’ll be down in front of the HDTV, unleashing some Rocket’s Red Glare on the Battlefield.

No igniter required.

Remember this great ad from the 70s...?

Here's a close up, panel by panel...

F@!#ED UP: The Career of Barbara Walters

Okay, clearly, Barbara Wawa has lost her mind.

I always have disliked Scarlet Walters, from her haughty arrogance while interviewing people all the way through her clear hard-on for liberalism. But I never would have guessed how right I was about just how terrible a person she is.

Thank you Barbara, for revealing to the world how despicable you are.

I’m speaking, of course, of Wawa’s recent book, in which she revealed multiple affairs she’s had with men over the years. Worse still, these married men were Republicans! Gasp! Not only did she spread her legs for other womens' husbands, but she didn’t even go for the donkey show! Maybe she wanted to be able to truthfully say "Republicans have been screwing me for years!"

Ironic, considering the women she's derided for affairs over the years. Like Monica Lewinsky.

Funnier still is Wawa’s noted stance as a feminist. You know who feminists are, right? Those uptight broads who condemn women for sleeping their way to the top. Apparently, Wawa misunderstood the movement and stayed awake for all her debauchery. Yes, I'm inferring she slept her way to the top. I mean, why wouldn't she? She had no moral qualms about adulterating with multiple males. Are we really to believe she otherwise remained pure?

And, while I don’t relish hearing about some 78 year old hag's sexual exploits, it does explain a lot. Like her pass at Osama when he appeared on her show in March of this year. Or why she’s so enamored with Osama bin Muslim. But, Wawa better keep her mitts off Osama. And not just because she's old enough to be his grandma. Personally, I think Mrs. Obama could take her in fight.

At this point, I don’t think that Wawa can go any lower. At least not until we see her hawking Cialis on commercials;

"Ciawis; it wucks wonders on youw caweeh. Buy some today fo youw boss. You won’t wegwet it."

Still, I've found the silver lining in all this mess: at least there's no pictures. Ugh.

DEER IN THE HEADLIGHTS JOHN...

So, Gov. Spitzer has shamed New York, his wife and his family.

But worse, his hypocrisy has provided some karmic justice for video gamers:

Seems Asstin Powers, in his pre-paying-to-shag days, said this about the popular GTA video game:

Like all parents, I know it is increasingly difficult to protect our children from negative influences... We have learned that when self-regulation fails, government must step in... We must do more to protect our children from excessive sex and violence in the media... Media content has gotten more graphic, more violent and more sex-based...

Currently, nothing under New York State law prohibits a fourteen-year old from walking into a video store and buying... a game like Grand Theft Auto, which rewards a player for stealing cars and beating people up. Children can even simulate having sex with a prostitute...

(Courtesy the great http://kotaku.com/366213/gta-critic-politician-in-prostitution-ring-bust blog)

What a hoot!I guess all that steamy research got his mojo rising and he had to move from virtual manwhore to paying john.


And what's with his wife standing beside him? Doesn't she realize he may very well have given her the gift that keeps on giving?

Just once, I'd like to see one of these sleazy politicians get ostracized as the scum they are. At lunch today I saw a brief clip of old Bloomberg commenting on how he felt sorry for Spitzer. WTF?! Sorry? As in, you pay less for your tail, Mike? Sorry he got caught, cause you wanted to expose him? What the heck are you sorry for?

Spitzer, Foley, etc. etc- they're all lyin' bastids. They can't even keep a promise to God- that they'd honor their marriage. I know politicians can't be trusted, but cmon!

And did I hear right? Did he pay $4000 for a Hooker?! Was it actually Julia Roberts he was shagging? He could have bought a big ass HD LCD TV, kick ass surround sound system, an Xbox Elite system and dinner for some intern for that much. Talk about misuse of funds!

Hey, if someone gives me four thousand dollars, I guarantee I can have more fun with it, legally, and for a lot longer than Gov. Spitzer.

And I'll even keep my pants on.

THE GREAT HOPE-A-DOPE HYPE

Man, just when I thought I couldn’t take any more "change" talk from Osama Barack, now he won’t shut up about "hope".

Is this guy a politician or a broken record? He’s got more double talk and empty speeches than... well... A wrassler.

In fact, as I think about it, that’s who Osama reminds me of- a smack talking wrestler, but without the yelling. Or maybe a boxer. And this train of thought led me to the great Muhammed Ali.

Here was a guy who talked some smack, but did so calmly and quietly, without a lot of rage. Ali was all class.

So now I’m confused. All this time I thought Osama was channeling his inner John Kerry- he uses the same gestures as Kerry when speaking. (Funny, I was always taught NOT to talk with my hands). But now I’m starting to see his inner stinging- butterfly coming out. Yep, there it is, Osama is ripping off Ali.

Think about- Ali protested the war in Vietnam by throwing his Olympic medal into the Ohio River. Quiet defiance. Osama likes to not put his hand over his heart during the national anthem. Again, quiet defiance.

Ali is famous for his rope-a-dope- a strategy of laying back and waiting for an attack, so as to conserve energy. In other words, Ali let the other guy do the fighting, then finished up.

Osama’s doing the same thing- he’s spewing out his constant rhetoric about "Change" and "Hope" without really saying much of anything. Meanwhile, Hellary and Haircut Edwards went out and worked it, talking about what they would do, what their policies were... sounding just like politicians. People are tired of hearing empty promises. Nobody believes ANY politician when they say they’re going to do this or that.

And therein lies the genius of the hope-a-dope. Osama’s just spewing out nonsense, totally unrelated to the issue at hand. He’s droning on, just to let people hear him talk. And of course, in our starry-eyed, celebrity-worshipping society, talk like that is working. Since Osama isn’t talking politics, people like to listen to him.

But I got news for Osama- He’s no Muhammed Ali.

John McCain said it best- "I will fight every moment of every day to make sure Americans are not deceived by an eloquent but empty call for change."

That’s right Osama, McCain may not be the Rock, but he can smell what you’re cookin.

ADDENDUM: I really should have researched this better. Turns out a LOT of folks have branded Osama a Hope-a-dope.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tag/hope-a-dope

Oh, well, great minds think alike. I'm just glad that so many are seeing through his empty talk.

BORN IN THE USA?

Okay, did I hear right this morning on the news? Someone is challenging whether or not McCain can run for President, because he wasn’t born within the physical confines of the continental United States?

Oh, good grief.

John McCain was born on a US Military Base in the Panama Canal Zone, August, 1936.

To American citizen parents.

That makes him a natural born citizen!

Don’t believe me, check out current U.S. Code:
http://www4.law.cornell.edu/uscode/html/uscode08/usc_sec_08_00001401----000-.html

The following shall be nationals and citizens of the United States at birth:
(c) a person born outside of the United States and its outlying possessions of parents both of whom are citizens of the United States and one of whom has had a residence in the United States or one of its outlying possessions, prior to the birth of such person;

I think this argument makes about as much sense as the crazy people that claim there’s no law requiring U.S. citizens to pay an income tax. (There is by the way: it’s the 16th Amendment to the Constitution).

Or of maybe disbanding the IRS. (Who would collect the taxes then?)

Did Ron Paul come up with this?

WHY CHILDREN SHOULD AVOID STRANGE TALKING CARS
(A Review of Knight Rider-2008)

Well, if it wasn't bad enough that we have to warn our children to avoid strangers, now we have to make sure they aren’t going to watch NBCs latest offering of "Knight Rider".

Yep, the classic cheese of a talking, black Trans Am piloted by pre-lifeguard David Hasselhof has been remade for a new century. As a Ford Mustang.

While I wasn't very impressed with Knight Rider in my youth, I did watch the show every week. It was scifi and there just wasn't that much else on TV back then. By today's standards, with 100-plus satellite channels and my Xbox 360, I have a lot better to do with my time... Except I do loves me some TV cheese.

So there I was, Sunday night, February 17, 2008, watching the pilot for the new Knight Rider series on NBC. With my eight year old daughter.

I should have known better.

Okay, NBC made the series a sequel, and not a "reimagining" like the gender-bending Battlestar Galactica on Scifi Channel. (Yes, I'm still mad about Starbuck being a chick) That's a good start.

And KITT is now the Knight Industries 3000- an upgrade from the previous 2000 model (and yes, it seems this is indeed a new KITT). I got no problem with that.

Michael Knight? Well, the Hoff makes a cameo at the end of the episode, and (SPOILER WARNING) the new driver, "Michael Traceur" is apparently an illegitimate offspring of Knight. And is a former Army Ranger. Now we're gettin’ cheesy. But cheese is good- you can't make nachos without it.

And KITT? He's now voiced by Val Kilmer! The Iceman doesn't bother me at all. William Daniels shouldn't have to look to hard for work Elsewhere, and he was getting a little old. And it was Michael Keaton who declared "I'm Batman!" Not Val. I am curious as to why Kilmer's casting was kept Top Secret for so long though. Maybe the Hoff didn't like being upstaged by a bigger actor than himself and tried to put some HEAT on the produers. The Hoff hasn't been a Saint lately- I'm sure he wouldn't be above that.

So far so good. Until we got to the scene where Michael Traceur's roommate/obligatory pencil-necked geek finds him in bed with two hot chicks (Seriously, one is actually credited as "Hot Chick" in the credits. Got to www.imdb.com if ya don't believe me).

Alright, the Hoff's Knight was indeed a manwhore- but it was implied. I don’t recall him ever rolling out of bed with some tart like a wannabe James Bond. And speaking of 007 I don't let my 8 year old watch Bond movies either. I just don't think sex is a topic a child needs to be seeing or discussing in any form.

If that wasn't bad enough, we also get to meet sweaty FBI agent Rivai jogging on the beach. She then has a quick scene where she rinses off her body- obviously meant for 13 year old boys who get excited at the sight of even scantily clad girls. But worse, Rivai goes inside and we get to see she's also a whore; her one night stand is still in bed, clearly nekkid (but partially covered by sheets) and comments about wanting breakfast. And she's a hot blonde. Not Rivai- her "date". Yes, NBC has once again worked homosexuality into a show. Maybe they'll rename the show "KITT and Grace"?

In checking a fansite, I saw a variety of debate on the whole lezbo/manwhore issue. Several dedicated fans pointed out the show did have a rating indicating sexual content. But really, who reads that? I don't get the paper or TV Guide. I saw commercials, had the wife set up the DVR to record the show, then watched about 15 minutes behind the real time broadcast.

And thank goodness I did. In this modern day and age, DVRs are a parent's best friend. When homos, sex or other TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE matter surfaces in a show, you can just skip ahead, like with DVDs. No need to corrupt your impressionable child(ren) with perversion.

And that's another point the fans make- why should children be sheltered? Either those who say that are pedophiles themselves, or they don’t have kids. Every parent knows if it isn't something shown on Nickelodean or the Disney Channel, it IS NOT child appropriate!

But how about the show aside from NBCs modus operandi of injecting sex?

Well, aside from those with a severe case of nostalgia going on, it’s pretty much crap. Cheesy lines, transparent plots, fair acting and some really lame CGI. A perfect show to watch with your kids- minus the sex stuff.

Oh, and if I’m going to blast NBC for the sex, I guess I should congratulate them for toning down the violence. In particular, a motel clerk gets murdered in cold blood, but it all happens between scenes. Kids won't actually see any shots being fired at the clerk or his brains splattering. And when a female character is later killed, the squib on her chest is very minimal. No John Wooish explosions of blood and gore when she's hit by a bullet. She dies slowly, with only a little blood.

So there it is, a show only a kid- be they young or old- would like, that has NBCs trademark, completely unnecessary sex and homosexuality injected to draw a rainbow audience.

And there is indeed something wrong with that.

"Where the f*#& is my Big Screen TV?!"

There are three things I have REALLY wanted in my life that I still don’t have. A new car, a gun collection and a big screen TV.

Now, I don’t really go anywhere. I tend to stay at home and play with my kids and watch a lot of TV. So I really don’t need a new car. Sure, it’d be nicer to have more head and leg room and not worry about rust for awhile, but really, I wouldn’t use a new car all that much.

Ten years ago, I married a woman who turned out to hate guns. She isn’t some kooky left-wing gun control advocate. She doesn’t want ME to have any guns. No matter that her dad and brother have several firearms, and no matter that I greatly enjoy shooting, am fairly good at it and carry a gun at work everyday. She just flat doesn’t want me to own my own firearms.

Since I don’t have the time to hunt, and going shooting regularly would cut into my time with the kids, I guess not having a gun collection isn’t so bad. If it weren’t for the fact that my dad was also obsessed with denying me firearms- even a BB Gun- as I was growing up, it probably wouldn’t bother me so much.

So, no guns, and no new car. I can get used to shooting once a year for work and driving used cars the rest of my life.

But I want to know where my f*#&ing Big Screen TV is.

Ever since I was a child, I’ve been a die-hard couch potato. I live TV. Especially movies. Every saturday night, I have "Daddy’s Movie night" where the wife and kids are just sh*t out of luck and have to watch what I watch, or leave me the hell alone while I watch what I want, without interuption, in the basement.

On my 25 inch, 1994, coax-input Sanyo color TV.

It’s f*#&ing pathetic.

I suppose it’s partly my own fault. When I got engaged, my wife wanted to know what I wanted as an engagement present. I could have said "a nice rifle" or "a big screen TV", but I was trying to be frugal, saving for our future, and told her that was okay, I didn’t need anything.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

After we bought a house and the missus popped out a baby, expenses increased and I didn’t dwell too much on my dream of a big screen. But when my first born turned four and was a full-fledged junior couch potato, I began to think that a big screen TV might not only be something for me, but the whole darn family. So I again began looking wishfully at the displays in the stores and their grand-plus price tags.

Then, in 2004, it looked like my dreams might actually come true. Bestbuy had this awesome father’s day contest.

Basically, it went like this: dads were to write a 100-150 word essay on a moment (about your kids) you wished you had on video. Each store was then to select a winner, who would receive a new cellphone with one year of service. Then, from a pool of all the store winners, a single GRAND PRIZE winner was going to be chosen; and woud receive the greatest friggin’ electronics package ever. PC, Big Screen TV, camcorder, digital camcorder, DVD player, surround sound system, an instore gift car and a regular gift card, total package valued at $25,000.

I knew this had my name all over it. Primarily because it didn’t involve luck, my mortal enemy. All I had to do was out-write the competition. Piece of cake.

So I wrote up my entry- telling the story of how when I was watching the extras on Terminator 3 with my daughter, right when Schwarzenegger says "I’ll be back" my cute little four year old snatches up the remote and says "No you won’t" and turned the DVD player off. Apparently, she’d had enough cyborg ass-whooping action for one day.

Months later, I came home from work one day and found an express mail envelope from Bestbuy on my doorstep. I had won the contest at my local Bestbuy. However, as the contest had gone way past the promised resolution date, they were awarding giftcards instead of the phones. So I ended up with $576 for my troubles.

And the Grand Prize package? Well, somebody from Slidell, Louisiana supposedly won it. Then Hurricane Katrina rolled through Slidell effectively more than likely separating the winner from his prize package. Poor bastard.

So another year rolled around and me still with no f*#&king Big Screen TV. I talked with the wife and we decided it’d make a swell tax refund purchase. Then she had to go and get pregnant again. Argh. No Big Screen for me- it was time to make another bedroom over and start stockpiling diapers.

Last year I stumbled across websites that tell you about DIY TV projecters. Now that would be a BIG screen TV! Alas, my electronics skills are sorely lacking, and my feeble attempt to make my own projector failed miserably. Well, not miserably- it’s not like I electrocuted myself or anything.

Soon after, a friend of mine gave me a projector! He’d been contacted by a school to see if the projector was broken or just needed a replacement bulb. After extensive examination of the unit, he decided that it was just a bad bulb. A three-hundred dollar bad bulb. So the school elected to just buy a new projector. My pal then gave me the projector to see if I could canibalize it for parts, or maybe get a bulb myself.

Knowing full well the old addage about a fool and his money, however, I was a bit reluctant to drop $300 for a bulb on the chance that would get the projector running. After all, it could be damaged as well. So I began surfing eBay, hoping to find a nice used bulb- something that would allow me to test the projector. No luck. The closest I came to getting my 120W UHP bulb was an auction for a refurbished bulb. I won at $40, but that didn’t match the "Reserve price" so I was again out of luck.

Would I never get a Big Screen TV?

At the end of 2006, I was able to land a gig writing freelance articles for a local paper. Not too bad a pay for such easy work: opinion pieces. I scored a nice $250 check for 7 articles. Alas, that bitch Lady Luck showed up, and the paper went under. My first check was my last. Couldn’t buy a Big Screen with $250, but I did manage to get an Xbox 360 for my daughter and I to share.
Of course, it looks like crap on the 25" Sanyo.

Most recently, the nice folks at engadgetHD.com sponsored a contest, pledging to "Trick out" a home entertainment system. Contestants were to send in photos and a brief plea for why they should be selected. I’m going to have to accept that since Engadget hasn’t called me, I didn’t win that contest either.

So what the hell?! Why can’t I have a big screen TV? I can’t win one. Heck, when I try to save my money for one, it doesn’t work out as some unexpected expense comes along. So here I am, stuck watching movies on a crappy old 25" TV.

I swear, if I ever see a married guy driving around with NRA stickers on the back of his big screen-equipped, new minivan, I might just lose it.

TREASURE IN, OR RATHER, UNDER YOUR BACKYARD

Now here's a great story that truly makes me jealous.

Dad digs up 50ft war bunker


So, apparently this guy in England is doing some yard work- something all dad's hate- when he finds a manhole cover. Not too surprising considering his home is built on the site fo a former airbase. But beneath the cover? A bunker!

A 30x50 foot bunker, left over from WW I and/or II. Awesome!

What guy wouldn't want a bunker they could retire to? Want to listen to some movies turned up all the way? No problem- odds are the neighbors wouldn't hear it- you're in a bunker with concrete walls meant to stop bombs.

The wife bugging you all day to do some job around the house? Or maybe the kids won't leave you alone for five minutes? Go lock yourself in the bunker. Ah, peace and solitude.

And the best thing about this bunker? It's not part of the house. So if the wife ever tells him "You aren't bringing that (insert prohibited item) in my house!" he still has somewhere to take it.

My hat's off to Andy Lewis! I think his backyard bunker is cooler than finding a meteorite in the backyard.

STOPPIN' THE HATE- EDITED

Well, seems some were offended by the crotch grabbin' Prez in my previous pic. So here he iz, hans in his pockits, all repsektibull N shit.

Remember, we all be bros in dis heer beyotchin country! Les stop all da dissen and agrees to diagrees!