So, awhile back, we got a dog. An albino, Border-Aussie mix from the shelter. She's on the hyper side, loves to play, and is VERY territorial of her yard. Barks at the birds. Barks at the dogs across the street, barks at the dog behind us, barks at the dog next to us. But hey, she's a dog, and they do that.

Today, came home and saw my neighbor- the one non-dog owner now- scraping white stuff off his driveway. Seems that when his soft water filter got changed, the dummies changing it spilled the old filter contents down the driveway, and didn't bother to clean it up. It solidified.

Now, normally, I keep to myself and don't talk to the neighbors all that much. But this guy is pretty old, so I offered him the use of my pressure washer to get the stuff off. He declined, saying that the coming storm should do it. Oh, and could he ask me something.

So this guy comes over and wants to know if I noticed our dog barks. As soon as we put her out in the morning, she runs around and barks.

I pointed out she hates birds, and the damn stray cat that comes by- the same cat I have a suspicion the neighbor feeds, but I didn't point that out.

Neighbor proceeds to tell me that if we were interested in getting a collar to uiet the dog, he'd pay for it.

Excuse me?

Did he tell that to the people across the street, with three barking dogs? Did he tell that to my other neighbor, who's dog barks all the time, who used to have 3 other dogs that barked all the time, and who works for my elderly neighbor? For that matter, did he tell that to the guy on the other side of him, who's dog barks across elderly neighbor's yard, at my dog, as though they are having a conversation?

Moreover, was it really the best time to bring this up when I was trying to be neighborly by offering use of a power tool?

Hey, neighbor, I was considering a collar to quiet some of the barking. But on second thought, I pass. Are you going to collar the constant parade of your relatives, your car-door-slamming relatives that come by every weekend, disturbing my peace and quiet? Are you going to stop feeding that damn stray cat, so I won't have to keep digging cat shit out of my wife's flowers? Are you going to pay for the damage to my fence from the idiot lawn care people that regularly mow your yard and ram into my fence while doing so? The same idiots that apparently think it's cool to trim tree branches on your side of the fence, then throw the clippings over into my yard?

Oh, well, this story has a partial happy ending. I found out, after Mr. Helpful's offer, that my dog finally lived up to the reason I agreed with the wife and kids to get a dog. She killed a varmint. That's right, I found a little bunny carcass by her food bowl. Seeing as how rabbits killed a tree I planted last year by nibbling on it, I am super pleased with my purchase.

Bark all you want, doggy. You've earned it.

THOR'S DAY RANT: Stars and Stripes FOREVER!

Nothing burns my ass more than hearing stories like this one- where a couple in Wisconsin are beign told by some pinko-commie property owner they can't fly the American Flag in the window of their apartment.

 

WHAT?!

 

All these mexicrims that sneak across our border and dodge paying their fair share of taxes are congratulated and protected on flying the Mexican flag on Stinko De Mayo, but the official flag of the United States isn't appropriate to be flown in the United States?

 

That's complete and utter bullshit.

 

Charlie Price gave up 8 years of freedom to ensure that American CITIZENS get to have their freedom.

 

I'm a veteran myself, and I feel the Prices' pain. In fact, I'm putting my flag up on my door tonight in their honor. I'm also going to adorn every window I can with an American flag. I was just planning on sitting at home this Memorial Day weekend, grilling and relaxing and remembering my fallen comrades who don't get to grill and relax, but now I may just have to travel around town, waving the Red, White and Blue in the face of all you liberal communistas that have forced your Marxist hatred of freedom into every corner of this Nation.

 

 

 

 

THOR'S DAY RANT:

"Artificial Life", My Ass

So now we have some arrogant scientists who think they have artificially created life:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science_and_environment/10132762.stm

"The researchers constructed a bacterium's "genetic software" and transplanted it into a host cell. "

And where, pray tell, did the host cell come from? Did they mix it up from their junior science kits? No. They used a pre-existing cell, overwrote it's DNA with something else.

They didn't create shit. They changed something.


If I glue fur to a pig, and put a dog collar on it, have I created the first synthetic dog?


What if I hollow out a coconut and fill it with mashed potatoes? Is that an artificial potato?


Their "artificial life" is no more groundbreaking than a boob job.


Why does this make me angry? Because so many scientists these days spout out nonsense and expect us ignorant peasants to believe it unconditionally. They're worse than tele-evengelists. Science is supposed to be it's own truth- not a bending of the facts to suit someone's ulterior motives.


The Church of Science has gotten way too far out of hand. Hell, even the Mythbusters think of themselves as all-powerful "scientists". Okay, maybe not all of them, but try reading Adam Savage's Twitter feed sometime. Adam, you have a great show, and I truly, honestly, from the bottom of my heart thank you for helping the Star Wars movie franchise continue along, but, dude. You're not a scientist. If blowing sh*t up and talking about it makes you a scientist, then I'm f*cking Albert Einstein. See, me and firecrackers, we did some heinous, dangerous sh*t when I was a kid. Trust me on this. (I know- firecrackers don't compare to C4 obliterating concrete mixers, but you have a whole production company and experts helping you. I was a frickin' kid and engineered my own experiments with the sole help of me, myself and I.)


But I digress.


My point is, science shouldn't be treated like some secret club. Nor should scientists arrogantly think you have to have credentials to understand anything. Scientists shouldn't think they are better, and then lie to us ignorant rubes to make themselves more God-like. And that's just what these pricks have done in Maryland. Lied about what they've done. They didn't create, they changed. The whole thing is disingenuous.


Fellas, until you can mix up a living creature, completely from scratch, you haven't created artificial sh*t. Go back to trying to clone Mammoths, so I can have me some Fred Flintstone-sized steaks, you pompous asses.

TROGLO-VIEW: IRON MAN 2

If you haven't seen Iron Man 2 yet, I'm here to tell you- you're missing an awesome flick.

 

To be fair, let me begin with revealing I'm an Iron Man fanboy from way back. I still have my comics from 1980s. Tony Stark wasn't my favorite hero, but I enjoyed the comics enough that when I thinned out the herd, Ironman was one of a few titles I couldn't bear to part with.

I loved the first Iron Man movie- despite the fact I generally despise origin movies, as they take away valuable ass-kicking time and replace it with talking, drama and the like as the reluctant hero comes to grips with their new powers. Still, Jon Favreau totally gets what a comic book is. Watching Iron Man was no different from reading a comic. Not too much yakkity yak, enough action to keep you watching. It was a brilliant movie. Well, except for Tony Stark's "sleepover" with a certain leggy, blond reporter. That was a bit much for my kids to see.

 

Iron Man 2 is way better. First off, no visualizations of adultery. Sure, there were Iron girls in skimpy outfits at the Stark Expo. Yes, the Black Widow changes her clothes in the back of car, revealing black (what else) bra. But no missing pants, no groping. Hopefully, I've shielded (pun intended) my kids enough that Tony Stark's little jokes were over their head and they see him more as a drunken philanthropist than degenerate philanderer.

 

So, dad-approved, kid-safe.

 

But how is the movie?

 

It's not shakespeare in a tin can. You aren't going to get long, Quentin Tarantino-esque dialogues. This isn't a movie about interpersonal relationships. It's a movie about guys in armored exoskeletons kicking ass. And it delivers!

 

Oh, sure, they could have squeezed in a bit more action. Hard Boiled (1992) shows that a movie can have almost nothing but action. But Iron Man 2 delivers so much iron-clad, repulsor-blasting ass whuppery no one should be disapointed.

 

Iron Man has more than one suit of armor. His lab is straight out of the comic book- complete with older armors hanging in the background. Happy finally gets to do some fighting, instead of standing quietly in the background like an Alfred Hitchcock cameo. But best of all, War Machine shows us what the Iron Man technology could really do in the right hands.

 

Seriously, anybody who likes the first Iron Man better must not like action movies. Or is a perve. Iron Man 2 is so incredible. I can't wait for Iron Man 3 to be in the can!

 

'Nuff Said!

Dishonesty in Political Mailings?

so I checked my mail yesterday and there was this flyer for Ron Grooms, a Republican candidate running for State Senator. I kind of remembered the name, but that was about it. Who was this guy.

 

Well, according to "Mayor" Dale Orem, he's great. Oh, and "Mayor" Regina Overton thinks he's swell too. And "Sheriff" Randy Hubbard likes him as well. Oh, and so does "joe Theobald".

 

First off, where's Joe's title? Who the hell is Joe Theobald? A Google search shows he once ran for State Rep- guess that's why he didn't get to use a title. He never earned one.

 

And that's my gripe- Dale Orem was once a mayor, but not anymore. I know that, because I used to live in Jeffersonville, where he was the Mayor. But what about some of the other folks getting this flyer? Do they know he's a FORMER Mayor? And Ms. Overton- isn't she the FORMER Mayor? I therefore assume Mr. Hubbard is the FORMER Sheriff.

 

It really irritates me how people use titles like this. It'd be different if someone retired from a position- military folks do that all the time. But just because you served one or two terms in a public position, why do you get to use the title over and over? And if Ron Grooms wants us to believe he's a swell guy, why is he listing folks who didn't get re-elected? What is their standing that makes them such good references? Are we supposed to know about their political history? If so, why give them these titles?

 

I think the whole thing is dishonest. Like actors pretending to be doctors in TV commercials, hawking medicines. Mr. Grooms, it's all fine and dandy that former-Mayor Dale Orem loves you, but what does the current Mayor think? I'd be much more interested in that. I mean, there are tons of former mayors in our region- anybody running for office is bound to be able to get an endorsement from one of them. You're coming across to me as being a little too desperate to get a qualified reference.

 

And that doesn't inspire confidence.

 

So let's look at your website. Ah. You run a business and were on the Jeffersonville Town Council for 13 years. That's much more interesting to me than a bunch of former politicos endorsements. And I see that you're for: Full Day Kindergarten, building an East-end Bridge, Capping property taxes and increasing funds for schools. That would also be great information to put on your flyer.

 

But I have to take offense at your flier's slogan of "The Leader Our Leaders Trust" and "He's the one our leaders can turn to for advice and leadership." That's not what your website says- it's all about your experience.

 

See, I don't think a State Senator is a leader of anything. It's a representative. I'm not voting for you to think for me- I'd be voting for you to represent me in the State Senate. To work for me and do what I would want you to do. Leader? Leader of what? A Conga-line during voting sessions?

 

If you can't get the job function straight (representation) than I surely don't want to vote for you. I think you're in this for you. So for the rest of your life you can go around introducing yourself as "Senator". I title that arrogant.

 

THOR'S DAY RANT: Avoid Danger!

My in-laws have this annoying habit of endangering themselves on a fairly regular basis. I'm not just talking about how they refuse to lock the door to their home during the day- despite there having been cases of criminals barging into homes and attacking people in their town. No, I'm talking about how they dash outside when they hear loud noises. Or sit on the porch to watch for tornados during Warnings. Or how when they hear there's a big fire, they get in their truck to go for a drive and take a look.

I like to say that my in-laws are the same people that Godzilla steps on in his movies. You know the ones. While all of Tokyo is running for their lives, these fools stop, turn toward the camera, point a finger and yell "Gojira!" Then a building falls on them. Or they get stepped on.

"Curiosity killed the cat" does apply to people. And not just my in-laws.

Just yesterday, I was reading an article about a shooting in our town. The police were called to a park where a shirtless man was walking around, pointing a gun at people as they drove past. The police responded and ended up having to shoot the man when he pointed his gun at them.

What really struck me as ignorant in this article, was the neighbor who walked outside to see why the police were at his nearby park. He sees the gunman, goes inside and tells his wife to take the baby and go to the basement. Then neighbor goes back outside to watch some more.

Folks, bullets can travel a really long distance. When they hit glass, or even bodies, they can continue to travel. They don't fly a few feet and drop to the ground like a baseball.

More importantly, bullets go where they are pointed- which is not always where the gun wielder was aiming.

When I was in the Air Force, this fact was hammered into us. We were told to never, ever discharge our weapons in the direction of the very-expensive aircraft. Especially our M-16s, which have an effective range of almost 400 meters (over 1200 feet and that fire a round that can punch through concrete blocks.

If you see the police with their guns out, or some criminal waving a gun around, don't just stand there looking. Take cover.

Which brings up a very important issue the movies are always getting wrong. About cover.

"Cover" means something that will protect you. "Concealment" is something that hides you. A bush will not stop a bullet. It might hide you, but if a bullet is accidentally fired (possibly through poor aim or random accident), it will go right through that bush. Similarly, car doors, couches, windows, etc will not stop bullets. Even human bodies don't stop all bullets.

It is very important to seek cover, or get the hell away. Don't stand there waiting for Godzilla to step on you. Seek cover. Run away.

Don't Forget Free Comic Book Day!

Don't forget, you can get your kids reading- at least a comic book- this Saturday, May 1, 2010.

 

www.freecomicbookday.com

 

 

 

THOR'S DAY RANT: The Earth is NOT Your Mother

Well, here we are again: Earth Day. When a bunch of tree-hugging imbeciles suffering from cosmic napolean complexes showcase their delusions of global-impacting grandeur.

 

Hey, Hippies, if you want to skip baths, stroll around barefoot and smoke weed while looking for trees (or whales) to hump, that's fine. But stop trying to convince me it will amount to anything. Moreover, please stop declaring our planet "Mother Earth". Did the Earth uncomfortably carry you around for nine months, then go through intense pain to squeeze you out an opening that on first inspection seemed woefully small for the task?

 

Do you call your house, Mother House? Do you call you state, Mother State? Just because you live on this planet (and trust me, I am not thrilled about you being here) doesn't make the Earth your parent. I'd bet money if the Earth were a living thing (instead of being covered with them) it would be quite embarrassed by you. It wouldn't put your picture out for the other planets to see. It wouldn't brag about you at galactic bingo. It'd talk about your successful corporate brother- the one with the big Audi, expensive suits and key to the executive washroom.

 

Stop calling it "Mother Earth". It's an insult to your own mother. Who has her own holiday.

 

I refuse to celebrate "Earth Day". Instead, I'm going to celebrate "Jelly Bean Day". Makes more sense.

 

Don't get me wrong, I live here on the Earth, and like the crying indian of the '70s, I'm all against pollution. Because I don't like to see or smell it. But I fully realize that we humans are about as threatening to the earth as a grain of sand is to the moon.

 

Think about it- assuming you can put down the weed long enough for your brain cells to fire up again. The Earth is 12,000 miles in diameter. It is believed to weigh 5,973,600,000,000,000,000,000,000 kg. I say believed, because there isn't a scale big enough to really weigh the Earth.

 

In comparison, the average human is between 5 and 6 feet tall- basically 1/1000 of a mile. The average human weighs between 54 and 73 kg. Assuming the numbers are right, there are 6,816,300,000 people in the world. That's about 436,243,200,000 kg (average weight of 64 kg X population). Or 1/13,693,279,355,099 of the Earth's mass. That's right. All of mankind is about 13 trillionths the size of Earth. But we can affect the Earth. Riiiiiiiight.

 

Let's hold off on the argument about whether people can affect the Earth for a minute. Let's look at some other hippie causes in the past.

 

Communism. Karl Marx invented it- the preferred hippy form of government, where everyone is treated equally, no one is expected to excel, and no one gets to own anything. The Russians put it to practical use- forming the Soviet Union. I'm sorry, the FORMER Soviet Union. Hitler tried using the watered-down form of socialism, Nazism. Didn't work so swell for him, or Germany, either. B. Hussein Obama is trying Socialism in the U.S. right now. And his approval rating is plummeting daily.

 

Saving the rainforest. Funny how in the 1970s, they were predicting Brazil would be a desert by now. Funnier still that archaeologists have since discovered that the Amazon wasn't always a thick jungle. There was actually a civilization there with canals, roads and huge tracts of clear cut areas for farming.

 

Saving the Whales. Spend boo-coo bucks on an Earth-friendly ship and try to use it to block Japanese whalers. Result: the whalers rammed the boat, knocking a large portion of it off and sinking it. Whaling continues. And so do the whales, coincidentally.

 

 

See, the hippy track record just doesn't impress me. There are no successes. And since I know the Earth isn't my mother- more of where I keep my stuff- I'm not too concerned about going green. In fact, my answer to all this Earth Day nonsense is:

 

Revelations 21:1 "And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea."

 

That's right- the ultimate recycling. After Judgement Day, God is going to recycle the Earth, providing us a fresh, new clean, and hopefully, hippy-free world to live on.

 

So hippies, have some Jelly Beans and shut up allready.

Dear, Taco Bell,

I must compliment the Veteran's Parkway, Clarksville, IN, Taco Bell as the best frickin' fast food restaurant EVER.

I am 42 years old, and grew up eating fast food- it being just my dad and I. Now with kids, I find myself driving thru way too often. I have eaten a LOT of fast food in my life. I'm like an expert on it.

And I have to say, in all my 42 years, I have NEVER had the level of service I got at your Clarksville, IN store.

See, the lady there started to hand me our order, stopped, looked in the bag and yelled back to the kitchen- "Hold on! I'm missing something here!"

That's right- not only did she check our order, she CORRECTED it! And apologized.

Clearly, this gal doesn't belong in any drivethru. She needs to go to Taco Bell's fast food academy or something. Or maybe be an executive in your company.

I personally hate Taco Bell's food- my wife loves it. But service like that could get me to start eating more than the caramel apple empanadas.

Congratulations on your amazing luck at employing someone who actually takes pride in a good work ethic!

Viva Taco Bell!

HAMMERS: Not Good for De-Icing

It's a classic American fixit method: hitting stuff.

 

Remember when we had analog TVs and the picture would go out, or get all weird? You'd smack your TV until the picture came back.

 

Electric, handheld appliance (drill, blender, toaster) not working. Smack it. Maybe the electric contacts will work.

 

Batteries in your flashlight failing? Smack the bottom- watch the light flicker and get brighter.

 

Car won't start, and you're going to be late for work? Pummel the dash several times, cursing.

 

In our modern digital age, the whacking method doesn't work so well. Things are delicate. Look at Amazon's Kindle- falls can break them. Or take cellphones that a little rain can ruin. But despite all the advances in delicate machinery, there was one thing that remained robust, and worthy of a pounding: the refrigerator. Like the mini, dorm-sized one I had in my basement, stocked with cold drinks for my movie marathons and video gaming sessions.

 

It was a great little fridge. Despite the fact the kids never bothered to close the door all the way, it still kept working. Oh, and frosting up quite a bit. Like over an inch of ice. To the point the door wouldn't close all the way.

 

So there I was, tired, ready to go to bed, and now I had to fix the mini fridge. In the past I did my emergency de-icing with a pair of pliers- carefully breaking off pieces of ice that blocked the door. But this time, I saw my hammer. My claw hammer.

 

I mean, it was right there. Laying out from a project earlier in the day. Taunting me.

 

Thinking about it, I remembered that once I completely de-iced a freezer on a full-sized fridge with a hammer and screwdriver- carefully tapping away at the ice like a paleontologist excavating fossils. Hmmm... any screwdrivers nearby? Nope- just that  punch I had been using earlier. Well heck, a punch is like an icepick with a screwdriver handle. That'll work.

 

Oh, it worked all right.

 

It blasted through that ice no problem. Even tap-tap-tapping, it was slicing through the ice pretty easily. Too easily. Then it hit the aluminum conduit on the mini fridge's freezer. Pffssssss!

 

No more freon.

 

No more mini-fridge.

 

No more cool drinks during movies.

 

Dammit. There's an $80 to $100 mistake.

 

The moral of this story is two-fold...

 

1. Close the door to the fridge, to prevent icing.

 

2. Time, not hammers, is the best way to defrost your fridge. Time spent with the door open, exposing frost to room temperature.

 

 

Happy St. Patrick's Day to one and all!

If you aren't Irish, don't despair- you can still celebrate this Christian holiday!

And while I'm at it, I thought I'd mention the origin's of this holiday- beyond the obvious Irish heritage that is. I noticed this morning, that my local station mentioned that St. Patrick died, but omitted any of the religious significance of the holiday.

When I was a child, I thought St. Patrick was just some magical guy who hated snakes- my grandmother kept a painting of him hanging in her house (years later I found out because her maiden name was McCracken, and her grandfather had been born in Ireland). But St. Patrick really is someone to be remembered- not for driving out snakes, but for his service to his fellow man.

The story goes that as a youth, St. Patrick was kidnapped from Roman-occupied Britainn, and taken to Ireland. God appeared to him in a dream and told him to flee his captors and run for the coast. A boat would then pick him up and take him home. St. Patrick did as he had been told, and sure enough, the boat was there and he was reunited with his family.

Now, you'd think someone who'd experienced something like this would never want anything to do with the Irish again- except maybe using them for target practice. But St. Patrick one day did return to Ireland- where he preached the message of salvation through Christ. St. Patrick even is credited with using the shamrock to explain the trinity (three-are-one) to the Irish. Others would follow in St. Patrick's footsteps, preaching the Gospel to the heathens- but it is St. Patrick whom the Irish credit with their Christian salvation.

Sadly, instead of celebrating St. Patrick's devotion to Christ, and willingness to put aside wrongs done to him, we instead use the holiday as an excuse to drink green beer and pinch people not wearing the right color.

But you can change that. If St. Patrick was able to heed Christ's message of forgiveness and return to the land of his captors, surely on this day in March you can do some good as well. Like witnessing your devotion to Christ, or forgiving a transgression against you.

Student of the Month?

As a parent, it may sometimes cross your mind- why isn't my kid Student of the Month? At my daughter's school, they always prominently display the Student of the Month in the main lobby, and they put their name up on the marquee out front.

 

What has really puzzeled me, is that last year, my kid was the only child to make straight As, for the whole year,  in the whole 3rd grade. She even got a letter the first semester, congratulating her on being one of only 5 kids in the whole school corporation (4 schools) to make the A Honor roll. But she never made Student of the Month?

 

What exactly is the criteria for student of the month? What kind of children are these that make student of the month, but can't make straight As?

 

Ah, I see.... I'm reading a report now at work about some kids fighting at one of the schools in our local school corporation. 13 year olds fighting... one gets held down by her opponents sister. A sister who is STUDENT OF THE MONTH. Yep, a high school student holding down a middle schooler so High school's little sister can win the fight. And High School is Student of the Month.

 

What a great selection process they have.

What Dreams May Come...?

Now, I am not normally one to discuss my dreams. Primarily because dreams are some kind of psychological expression of our subconcious, and I don't particularly want anyone rooting around inside my head.

 

I will note however, that for the first time in months, I didn't Xbox last night, and my dream was super-weird.

 

When I first started playing Xbox, I played a lot of GRAW and GRAW2. So much that when I went to bed, I'd close my eyes and still see the HUD symbols from the game and dream about shooting people. Not healthy. I soon began a strict regimen of watching something totally unrelated to the game I had been playing, for at least one hour. Stayed up til 3 AM playing a marathon session of Nazi Zombies on Call of Duty World at War? Watch an episode of Smallville. An intense, 3 campaign run on Left for Dead 2? Watch an episode of Burn Notice.

 

So far this has worked well. See, I'm a firm believer that it's more the events of the day, and what food you might eat, priot to sleeping, that amp up the weird factor in your dreams. Watch a bunch of scary movies, and odds are, you'll have something scary to dream about. At least, I do.

 

Last night was rather odd, though. I watched TREMORS THE SERIES on DVD, then fell asleep during a particularly disgusting episode of Dirty Jobs. No Nazi Zombies, no Infected, no Facehuggers or Xenomorphs in AVP (my current ghaming obsession)...

 

And I dreamt about Sherilyn Fenn. I'm not going to get much into the details here (I like to try and stay at least PG-rated on this blog). Suffice it to say I was literally in heaven and hanging out (figuratively and literally) with Sherilyn Fenn. When I was much younger this would have made perfect sense. I watched a LOT of her movies, and countless other B Movies those many years ago. I thought she was the most beautiful woman ever. But I haven't seen or heard of Sherilyn Fenn in many years. In fact, in the dream it took me awhile to even remember her first name.

 

I admit I had a thing for Ms. Fenn many years ago. I'm sure lots of fellas did. I even watched many a crappy Full Moon movie solely because she was in them. And I'll take this opportunity to apologize for all those "thoughts" I had. Still, I have to wonder, why did I dream of her now? When I'm married, have two kids, and can't watch those booby-filled B Movies anymore? (Because those kids won't leave my side- argh! A man can only take so much Spongebob!)

 

This morning, I decided to see what Ms. Fenn was up to these days- you know, besides still being one of the most beautiful women ever. She has a blog, and coincidentally, one of her latest posts was about her dreams. Her super-weird dreams. And she smokes pot and drinks too much wine. And had some kind of feud with her mom or something (hey, I was skimming). Glad she can admit it, but man, it really shattered the image I had of her. Well, maybe not- the image I had of her was as she appeared in many of her movies. Not exactly G-rated. And she's married- great, I already feel guilty having a dream like that, what with being married. Now I get to double that.

 

Clearly, I need to get back to killing xenos and zombies on Xbox live.

 

Thanks, Ms. Fenn, and best wishes. It was nice seeing you again- even in my own subconscious. Hope things work out with your mom, and you can kick the pot and wine. And again- my apologies for all those x-rated dreams and daydreams.

How can I use them...?

Well, it's that time of the month again. When I lose text messages.

Hey Spammers- Have you heard of SPAM Filtering

What the hell is with all these idiots that keep sending in SPAM viagra, gambling or real estate posts.

 

For one, no one even reads this blog. It's a frickin' online resume, dipshits.

 

I mean, if you're going to post your crappy attempts to scam people, why not pick a blog with real, honest-to-goodness readers?

 

Secondly... none of your comments get posted. Duh. What dumbass doesn't filter comments? 

 

Guess I'm talking to myself here (see sentence #2 above), but DAYAM!

 

 

Troglodad's Movie Re-View: Raising Arizona (1987)

Today's Movies and TV programs might seem too much for some parents to share with impressionable children. But before you pop in a classic from years gone by, make sure it too isn't a bit rough around the edges...

 

Long before he tore up the highways of the southwest as flaming-headed Ghost Rider, Nicholas Cage was stealing babies. Well, one baby. Nathan Jr.

 

I'm talking of course about the classic Cohen Brother's flick, "Raising Arizona". If you're old enough to have kids, surely to God you have seen this movie. It's on cable all the time.

 

I hadn't watched the movie in about ten years, when I saw it this past weekend on my wayback machine- my Xbox 360 running Netflix.

 

Hey, I thought, that'd be a swell movie to watch with the kids (mine being girls ages 10 and 4). I wasn't really on the money though. I guess being in your forties means you start getting senile, cause I totally forgot some stuff that was in Raising Arizona.

 

Okay, from the beginning, the movie is funny, but not really in a way kids might enjoy- the irony of career criminal H.I. McDonough (Cage) marrying Officer "Ed" (Holly Hunter) was clearly lost on my kids. But the movie had 5 babies- the Arizona Quints.

 

The plot is simple enough, Ed and Hi, cant' have kids of their own, so they decide to steal a Quint after reading in the paper that the Arizona's (furniture magnate Nathan Arizona and his wife) have more kids than they can handle.

 

The hapless couple steal Nathan Jr. and a man, or rather, baby hunt begins.

 

Back home in their tiny trailer, Hi and Ed try to give their baby lots of love, but life gets in the way. First, some of Hi's former prison buddies break out and want to stay with the McDonoughs. Then Hi's boss from work- who has 8 or 9 kids himself- starts asking a lot of questions about how Hi was able to adopt little Junior.

 

Worst though, was the nightmares Hi has after the babynapping- where he sees a scummy bountyhunter (Tex Cobb) coming into town- blowing up a bunny rabbit with a handgrenade as he rides along. That didn't sit too well with my 4 year old. I was laughing my ass off at the over exxagerated, Stoogian violence, but my littlest girl was horrified about a little bunny disappearing in a ball of flame.

 

Later, it got worse when Hi's boss proposes Hi and he swap wives to spice up their marriages. Thankfully, I remembered this conversation about 20 seconds before it started and hit the mute button. I explained to the kids that they were having adult talk.

 

Okay, so it's a freaking hilarious movie. For adults. Sure, there's some slapstick- like the fight between Hi and his prison buddies in the cramped confines of a mobile home. But really, this humor isn't intended for a child. Nor is the dialogue.

 

Overall, your kids are better watching this than SAW, but you should stick to "Baby's Day Out" if you want to watch a hilarious, baby-centric film with your kids.

Troglodad's Movie Re-View: Caveman (1981)

Today's Movies and TV programs might seem too much for some parents to share with impressionable children. But before you pop in a classic from years gone by, make sure it too isn't a bit rough around the edges...

 

Cavemen. Kids find them funny, from Fred Flintstone to the Geico insurance guys. But if you're looking for a caveman movie to share with your kids, you might want to think twice about Caveman (1981).

 

Starring Ringo Starr, Shelley Long, Barbara Bach and Dennis Quaid, Caveman was on of those flicks I remember watching after (middle) school in the 1980s. Back when Showtime, HBO and the Movie Channel were so young. I didn't remember anything particularly bad about the movie- just that it was very Airplane-ish, and the people in it didn't speak English- instead opting for a parody grunting-language.

 

So color me surprised when I fired up Netflix this past weekend and decided to share the film with my two daughters, ages 4 and 10.

 

Yikes!

 

Out of the gate, Caveman seems okay. Poor Atouk (Starr) is the wimpy neanderthal who gets no respect because he's brainy not brawny. Maybe this movie was going to have a moral lesson? Sure enough, Atouk fawns over the hottest Wilma in the tribe- Lana (Bach), who herself only has eyes for the brawny leader of the tribe, Tonda (John Matuszak). Poor Atouc shares food he was smart enough to stash for a rainy day with Lana. She promptly brings it to her brutish man to win favor.

 

As the movie progresses, Atouc is used by the hunters to taste test a new fruit. They discover it makes one very sleepy. Drugged? Uh-oh. Aside from the obvious plot point this will become later, I didn't like having to explain drug use in the film to my girls. Nothing funny about that.

 

Worse, Atouc tricks Lana and Tonda into eating the fruit. Once they are knocked out (and the rest of the tribe slumbers in the communal cave) he tries to cuddle up to Lana right next to Tonda. Oh, crap... I  saw where this was headed. Sure enough, Atouc tries to position the drugged Lana for some lovin', prying and positioning her sleeping limbs into a unseemly position. She comedically rolls aside as he leaps onto her- promptly humping the cave floor for a few seconds before he realizes she has moved. Then he falls asleep. Har-dee-har-har.

 

Atouc is then rightfully kicked out of the tribe the next morning after he passes out next to Tonda and Lana and sleeps alongside them. From there, Atouc goes on his merry way, finding his lost friend Lar (Quaid) and meeting new folks along the way, like blonde Tala (Long). Atouc, being smarter, manages to discover (accidentally) fire and its use, and his makeshift tribe of outcasts quickly begins living better than Atouc's former tribe. In the end, Atouc is reunited with his tribe, manages to become the new leader and dumps (literally) Lana when she begins to show him favor. In the end, he walks off into the sunset (or cave) with Tala, to procreate happily ever after.

 

Okay, so the film does have some good lessons for kids- brains are important, and loyalty is rewarded. It has some harmless humor too. I suppose if it had been on DVD, I could have fast-forwarded, or chapter skipped past the cave-humping scene. But Netflix isn't so good at fast forwarding for me. Maybe it's my slow connection.

 

Having daughters, though, I worry about the portrayal of Tala as less appealing than Lana. Tala was blonde and wasn't bulging out of her clothes. Don't get me wrong, Barbara Bach was a hottie back then, but Shelley Long was no ugly duckling. Still, it makes it seem like girls have to be smart or pretty, and can't be both. Geeze, no wonder women like Sarah Palin have such a tough time these days- years of stereotyping by Hollyweird makes the populace look at them like freaks.

 

In any event, I'd recommend against this movie for your kids. It was intended for adults, and if your kids haven't had the birds-and-the-bees talk yet, why risk having it mid-movie?

 

Now if you'll pardon me, I have to go let Dino in...

Survey says... McDonald's employs idiots

So your restaurant was hawking four extra mcnuggests for $1. Good deal, and my 4yr old loves chicken nuggets. I have to pull over and wait for my 2 dbl cheeseburgers (plain). I get home... and no extra nuggets. What the hell? They had EXTRA time to bag my order and they still couldn't get it right? I called the store, told them I went through and didn't get my nuggets and told them to pay better attention. And hung up- I didn't want to hear any bullshit offers that I could come back. I was already home, and my kid wanted to eat. You can't make up for something like this- even if someone had jumped in their car and driven here, by the time they got to my house, we'd be done eating. A dollar may not seem much, but it's the principle of it that annoys me. How frickin' hard is it to put a single order of nuggets in a bag? My 4 yr old could do it.

Survey Says...

Hey, anyone can do an online survey. I know I'll never win one of those $5000 shopping sprees at Target (and I keep laughing every time an associate suggests I will), but when I can, I like to have some fun with surveys. I mean, the more bizarre my answers, maybe a real person will read them...

 

So, kroger's, this was what I told you...

 

Please provide any additional comments about the canned and packaged foods department in the text box below.

　

What do you people have against BBQ beanie weenies? I've been having to make my own (with KC Masterpiece sauce, if you were curious) for years now. Yet, like some schlub, everytime I go to the store, I look at the beanie weenies, hoping against hope that you might FINALLY have them. But NO. You want those magic fruits in a can to be all plain and blechy.

You have no taste.

　

　

Please provide any additional comments about the frozen foods department in the text box below.

 

My wife is not very happy, and neither am I. she keeps making me look for some damn "carmelized onions" pizza. Every week. Frankly, I'm getting sick of looking for it. And she never believes me when I say it's no longer in stock. Either restock the damn things or induce some amnesia on my wife, or send me a certified document telling her that you no longer stock them. Please. I beg you.

 

　

Please provide any additional comments about the dairy department in the text box below.

 

Where the hell was the velveeta?! You know, Modern Marvels recently did an episode on Cheese, and I was shocked to learn the deliciousness of velveeta is actually good for you- it has the highest nutritional value of ANY cheese. So now i don't feel bad buying it for me and my kids (mostly me). So there I was, trying to get my cheese fix... and I could find no dang Velveeta. What the hell?

　

Please provide any additional comments about the meat department in the text box below.

Where's all the fish? It's like the only seafood you have are swimming cockroach cousins. I want something that swims inthe sea, not crawls on the bottom of it.

 

　

Please provide any additional comments about the checkout area in the text box below.

 

Not enough room for all the sheeple you crowd into the one or two lanes open. It's like a frickin' Japanese subway. With carts.